problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

my best friend got engaged 3 years ago...we always knew her FH had a cruel streak...he and i never really got along so when they got engaged i offered to take them out to dinner as a way for us to start fresh since he would become her husband....she agreed...when i approached him with the offer (after we'd all had a few drinks too many) he laughed at me sarcastically....i asked him what was funny and he just said ' i don't know, it just is'...

i know that's not really a big reason to get upset, but my feelings were hurt so i went to the bathroom to compose myself...my friend saw me and asked what's wrong and i made the STUPID mistake of actually telling her what happened....i left the bar shortly after that having no clue of what was to happen next...

well, all hell broke loose...to make a looong story short, she yelled at him that night (she was drunk) and threw the ring back at him...their fight lasted for weeks...she apologized to him over and over and promised she would never drink again, and that she knew she overreacted but that she was only trying to stick up for her friend, etc...in short, they eventually made up and he blamed me for the fact that their engagment was almost ended and he accused me of trying to break them up....

i felt horrible for what she was going through, but i NEVER thought she would take it that far with him...i honestly thought it was just him being mean again, he would apologize and that we could work it out...when i saw this wasnt the case, i offered to stop being friends with her, since he hated me at this point and really didn't want her hanging out with me...but she insisted that we still be friends...

when it came time for wedding, he didnt want me there as a guest....she and i went back and forth on this...she said she was fighting him on it....eventually i told her i wouldn't go because i didn't want him or her to feel i was ruining their wedding day by being there....again, she insisted that i attend but that i shouldn't speak to him....i did go, and i actually shook his hand and said congratulations because i thought it was ridiculous to go to someone's wedding and not say that to them....he was civil and that was that....which fine with me..

finally, here is the problem....i am getting married in less than a month and my friend calls me last night and says that she won't be attending my reception (maybe just the church) because she doesn't want to bring it up with her husband since it will just conjure up all the old horrible memories for him....and she doesn't think it is worth it....i honestly NEVER thought she wouldn't come to my wedding....we had been best friends for 12 years and although i knew he wouldn't come, i thought that she would come alone and hang out with our other friends...but she says they're a couple and she can't go anywhere without him...

i'm not mad at her, but i feel hurt because i went to her wedding, i was there for her, even when i knew i wasn't wanted by him, because SHE wanted me to be there....i did it for her...it was hard thing to show up there and know that so many people who knew only HIS side of the story were pointing fingers at me....

at this point i am thinking of pulling away from her completely, not out of anger, but out of the feeling that why should we even pretend to have a friendship when she can't be with me on the most important day of my life?? is it fair that we have to sneak around to be friends?? is it worth it??

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

You have to understand that this girl is now married to this man - and if he hates you with the passion you describe, she must choose between him and you. She has made her choice. I would say - cut your losses. I know its hard but she is not worth your time.

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

you should never have to pretend anything. this is so hard and my heart goes out to you. I think your best bet is to respect her decision, tell her you wish her only the best, and know that you were strong enough to make it there for her. You did the right thing back then, and sometimes one good turn just does not get another....I am sorry for you. Sounds to me like it may be time to retreat from this relationship and let the memories of your friendship bring a smile to your face.

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

I'm sorry you lost your friend. Her husband sounds like a real a$$. You tried to keep the friendship but obviously her husband really dislikes you and its probably taking its toll on her and causing her to keep a distance. Its very sad. I would just let her be.

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

I really feel for you. This is a tough one.

I think you did the right thing by attending her wedding. She, after all, is your friend. Her decision not to attend yours, well to me that's not right. If her husband does not like you then she should attend for at least a little while, without him.
You did tell her that you would end your friendship if that was a way to make things better for her. She needs to take a step forward and be there for you as you were there for her. It may be a little uncomfortable for her to be alone, but I think it's the right thing to do.
Remember that you did make the first step in trying to start over way back when you offered dinner. He obviously wanted no part of it. That is HIS problem.
Having a friend for 12 years is a long time and she should be at your wedding. Just my opinion sweetie. I hope that you will let this go and enjoy every minute of your day. Good Luck to you!!

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

When someone is in an abusive relationship this is how it is handled (and from your story she probably is in one). He makes her feel that ONLY he loves her and is good for her. It is very sad but true. Her husband knows that you know his deal- he is not a nice person and probably treats your friend like crap. So now he has gotten her so paranoid about your friendship, she is willing to let it go for this guy.

My advise- send her a christmas card and a b-day card. Wish her a wonderful happy life but beyond that I would just stay away.

I am sure that when this relationship finally hits rock bottom (and they always do) she will want and need your friendship again.

Sometimes being a friend is staying away until you are needed.

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

I agree with Nanjoe. She can't come to your wedding because they are married now??? What the **** is that???? Just becase she's married they are attached at the hip?? 12 years of friendship is a hard thing to walk away from. I have a friend since I was 7 & I have not liked her husband from day one! But we have learned to deal with it. They've been married for 14 years (H.S. bride) now. We are just civil to eachother. She really has to look at her life (& marriage) and make sure that she won't loose all of her friends. She will end up being a VERY lonely woman!
I hope this helps! I wish you luck!

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

I am very sorry that you are going through this. I know it is very hard to lose a friend, but i agree with Sonicef on this one. It will be better for your well being also in the long run.

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

Simply put..
YOU did the right thing by going to her wedding because you were the better friend and the better person.
SHE is in a very abusive relationship and cant not see that she is being hurtful or wrong. Being in an abusive relationship is almost the same as having a sickness.. She cant help herself, He is her drug
Don't let it ruin your special day.
Accept it
Pray for her
Move on

It is unfortunalty her loss. She will see this one day as well..
I"m sorry for our pain. It is always hard to lose a friend.

We are here for you..
:-)

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

thank you guys so much!!

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

I am very sorry that you are going through this. I agree with all the ladies who have said that your friend is in a abusive relationship. She cannot see that now and there is nothing that you can do about it. I have been in your postion and I know how much it hurts to see someone you care about in such a horrible situation. You cannot convince her or persuade her, she has to decide on her own that she is not happy with her life. This is not about your wedding, its about her husband's control of her life. She doesn't want to hurt you. She knows what a good friend you are. For your own peace of mind you should distance yourself from her a little. Just leave a little room so that she knows that she can turn to you when she gets the courage to make some changes.

Re: problem with friend(sorry- VERY long)...please advise!

Sorry about this ... but all the girls are righ ... you got to move on, and hope the best for her.

good luck,

Elena