when you go to an out of state wedding...

Honestly... do you give less as a gift b/c you also have to pay for hotel / travel expenses?

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

One of my best friends just got married and ran into this problem with some of her OOT guests. The groom's family is from South Carolina and did have to stay in a hotel for at least two nights and alot of their gifts reflected this. Some did not give gifts at all...So, I don't really know the etiquette on this, but I know we were all in shocked and embarassed for them. However, in their defense, I don't think they are used to New York weddings and did not know what to expect. Where is the wedding? And how close are you to the couple?

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I'm just curious if most people do or do not. I'd never bash someone for giving a small gift at a wedding, CERTAINLY not someone who had to pay travel expenses. (I don't consider this a problem...)

ETA - I'm not asking for advice for ME. I'm going to an OOS wedding this weekend and was just curious what others do. For us, if we can afford to, we give the same gift. If we can't, we give a little less.

Message edited 10/26/2007 12:28:33 PM.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

we have an OOT/non-NY wedding to go to 2 weeks before our own, but we won't have to travel for it since we currently live there while I'm in school.

Should we give cash/check (a la NY) or physical gifts (a la the norm out here)? The couple currently lives in TX so it's OOT for them too (bride's family lives out here) so I don't know if we're expected to bring a physical gift, or if we should mail it to them in TX, or just give cash.

FH wants to get them a mini deep fryer (but that's just a $40 gift, so we'd obviously need to buy them lots of other stuff or give a check too). I'd prefer to give them the deep fryer and a check, but FH seems to think we should give physical gifts.

What do you think?

Message edited 10/26/2007 12:33:15 PM.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

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Posted by bluegreen08

we have an OOT/non-NY wedding to go to 2 weeks before our own, but we won't have to travel for it since we currently live here while I'm in school.

Should we give cash/check (a la NY) or physical gifts (a la the norm out here)? The couple currently lives in TX so it's OOT for them too (bride's family lives out here) so I don't know if we're expected to bring a physical gift, or if we should mail it to them in TX, or just give cash.

FH wants to get them a mini deep fryer (but that's just a $40 gift, so we'd obviously need to buy them lots of other stuff or give a check too). I'd prefer to give them the deep fryer and a check, but FH seems to think we should give physical gifts.

What do you think?

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Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I would do a gift...My friends and I called it even if we got married within 6 months of each other. We would just be giving each other the same gift back. I got my friend a nice set of candlesticks that were on her registry.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

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Posted by Kara and Todd

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Posted by bluegreen08

we have an OOT/non-NY wedding to go to 2 weeks before our own, but we won't have to travel for it since we currently live here while I'm in school.

Should we give cash/check (a la NY) or physical gifts (a la the norm out here)? The couple currently lives in TX so it's OOT for them too (bride's family lives out here) so I don't know if we're expected to bring a physical gift, or if we should mail it to them in TX, or just give cash.

FH wants to get them a mini deep fryer (but that's just a $40 gift, so we'd obviously need to buy them lots of other stuff or give a check too). I'd prefer to give them the deep fryer and a check, but FH seems to think we should give physical gifts.

What do you think?

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You give whatever you are comfortable giving! It's a GIFT!! Seriously - whatever you feel is appropriate. However, don't bring phsyical gifts TO the wedding if it's OOT for them, too. They won't want to have to lug them home.

My question is about when travel expenses are involved, do you take that into account... not whether you give less just b/c the wedding isn't a "NY wedding."

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Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I've been to a few OOT weddings (one in Vegas) and I gave the same that I would give to a local wedding which was cash, because it's easiest to transport.
We had a lot of OOT guests at our wedding as well and they were all extremely generous. So for the most part I think people don' t consider traveling expenses when deciding on their gifts.

Message edited 10/26/2007 12:50:29 PM.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I don't - I give the same amount.

As far as cash versus gift - it depends on the person. I always used to give gifts for OOT, but a lot of my OOT friends gave checks at my wedding so I'm going to change things around. If I think the person would appreciate the cash more, I'm going to give them a check. If they typically give gifts, or seem to prefer a gift over cash I'll buy a gift.

I feel awkward giving certain friends and family cash, even NY/CT/NJ friends, so I buy them something nice off their registry in the same amount that I would have given in cash.

Message edited 10/26/2007 12:59:51 PM.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I give the same ammount. Since I live in CT I am a OOT guest for most of my family's (and friends') weddings and I don't give any less if FH and I have to stay in a hotel.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

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Posted by Kara and Todd

Honestly... do you give less as a gift b/c you also have to pay for hotel / travel expenses?

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Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I am having an OOT wedding in pa so i guess I am a little biased, but I don't think you should give a different amount. I went to a wedding in NH and gave what I would've given if it was local...

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

Kara---i find out the gross median salary of the location of the wedding that i am staying at and then divide, using the next amount i then multiply it by what i think the & spent on the wedding itself, garnering a % that i multiply by the number of years we have been friends. then i take that number and using a ratio, i determine on a scale of 1-10 how CLOSE friends we are and if i would miss them if they died; divide that up, and then i add up all expenses that i paid to arrive to their happy day, and subtract it from the final product. after which i cross reference my handy dandy gift book to find out how much they have given me over the years since our friendship started to ensure that the wedding gift is equal to or more than the questioned amount.


that's not how you do it?!??

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I'll be honest. I do.

Let me clarify. If it's a wedidng in the tristate area I don't give any less. But if I am flying somewhere, renting a car, paying for a hotel, and all the expenses that go along with it, I do give less. I'm not saying I buy the couple a picture frame and call it a day...but I'll give $200 instead of $300....ya know what I mean?

Now if it's a family member or really close friend, that's a different story - I probably wouldn't give less. But other people, yes.

We're inviting a ton of OOT guests (not from the tri state area). I would expect the same form them. The fact that they are travelling so far to be with us is sooooo generous in itself. I wouldn't expect a big gift from them at all.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

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Posted by MJDoc12

Kara---i find out the gross median salary of the location of the wedding that i am staying at and then divide, using the next amount i then multiply it by what i think the & spent on the wedding itself, garnering a % that i multiply by the number of years we have been friends. then i take that number and using a ratio, i determine on a scale of 1-10 how CLOSE friends we are and if i would miss them if they died; divide that up, and then i add up all expenses that i paid to arrive to their happy day, and subtract it from the final product. after which i cross reference my handy dandy gift book to find out how much they have given me over the years since our friendship started to ensure that the wedding gift is equal to or more than the questioned amount.


that's not how you do it?!??

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Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

It depends. The last OOT wedding DH and I went to we had to fly, then rent a car to drive three hours(!) to the town the wedding was being held and then rent a hotel room for three nights. Add on to the fact that the couple had told us it was going to be a trashy wedding (they sent out evites, not real invitations, it was a backyard bbq with paper plates and drinks in a cooler you take with you to the beach, I could go on and on) plus the fact that I hate this couple (they are or rather were DH's friends- not mine) they should be glad I gave them anything! So yes, I gave them significantly less than what I would give someone else but it had more to do with how i can't stand them than all of the expenses I had.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

We gave the same that we give to everyone. But paying for gas, tolls and hotels does suck a bit. Then again I'm getting married on LI - out of state and everyone will be doing that for us. I feel really bad about it too.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

i have never been to an out of state wedding but we had several guests from out of town/state who were actually more generous than we expected, but then again, it was mostly family.

if it were me, i would give the same i always give, because by accepting the invitation, i knew that i would incur extra expenses, and i don't think that should come out of my gift.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

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Posted by MJDoc12

Kara---i find out the gross median salary of the location of the wedding that i am staying at and then divide, using the next amount i then multiply it by what i think the & spent on the wedding itself, garnering a % that i multiply by the number of years we have been friends. then i take that number and using a ratio, i determine on a scale of 1-10 how CLOSE friends we are and if i would miss them if they died; divide that up, and then i add up all expenses that i paid to arrive to their happy day, and subtract it from the final product. after which i cross reference my handy dandy gift book to find out how much they have given me over the years since our friendship started to ensure that the wedding gift is equal to or more than the questioned amount.


that's not how you do it?!??

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Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I've been to a lot of OOT weddings. I gave the same gift (or spent the same on a gift) that I would've spent if I went to a wedding here. In one case, I gave a little less because at the time I really couldn't afford to give the same with the travel expenses added in.

We have two OOT weddings in 2008. I'm going to give similar gifts to what they gave us.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

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Posted by GinaZ

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Posted by Kara and Todd

Honestly... do you give less as a gift b/c you also have to pay for hotel / travel expenses?

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No I give the same

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Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I've been to a bunch of OOT weddings, and I give the same that I would here. But I have to say that most of the time, the couple has been shocked that we gave so much. So I would think that it might be OK to not give as much if you are spending a lot to travel.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

idk what the etiquette is. i can tell you that i gave $200 for my friend's albany wedding in spite of the fact that we had travel expenses (hotel, etc.) and i gave $400 for my friend's maryland wedding, but i was the maid of honor. in general, i think there def less of an expectation bc weddings don't cost nearly as much, so if you're struggling w/ a budget, just give what you can and forget about it.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I give the same.
But, if its someone I"m not that close with, and its really out of town -- like a plane ride rather than a long drive away -- I might not go.
That happened to me last year. A girl I was friendly with, but not too close with got married in Ohio, between Christmas and New Year's. I really couldn't justify spending all that $ on airfare, hotel, etc around the holidays for someone that wasn't one of my closest friends. So I sent her a gift off her registry and didn't go. She understood, and actually expected a lot of the people she invited to do that.

Re: when you go to an out of state wedding...

I give the same anount that I would give if it wasn't OOT.