Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Okay, so there has been problems with my family since November. Everyone eles, but one cousin (a bm) and myself ,is way to stubborn to talk.

Let me give you the background.

My aunt passed away last September from cancer. This was of course very hard to deal with for the entire family. My mom and her were only 13 months apart and did everything together growing up and were very very close. But they moved to Jersey YEARS ago, so distance became an issue since neither sister drives over bridges.Now my Aunt was only 49 when she passed, and my Grandfather is still alive, so I cant even imagine what he went through. She was still married to her HS sweetheart and had 4 children, (ages 28, 24, 20 and 12; all now a year older). All of my cousins are supposed to me in the BP. If I had my way it would only be 2 cousins (the 24 and 20 year old, since they are the ones I really speak to).

When my Aunt first passed away my cousins (the 24 year old) came in almost every weekend with her bf and stayed over. My mom and my family were there for her and the rest of them continuously. My mom called all of them as much as possible and were their shoulder to cry on. As time went on, mostly during the summer, they started coming in less frequently. My cousin broke things off with her Fiancee and kinda distanced herself, I guess she needed to be alone. (BUT again, this is the cousin I am still speaking with right now).

Ok thats the background.

This is where the drama begins.

My youngest cousin's birthday was in November. My mom reminded my grandpa and uncles to call her for her birthday. But that day, she had stayed late at work and then our dog got really sick, so she forgot to call. She remembered first thing the next morning and called, no one answered. She tried all day and week and no one would return her calls. Finally she spoke to one of the cousins and they said they were all mad at my mom.. ...Should mention that not one of us ever gets a call from them for our birthdays.

Next thing, my stepdad and my siblings and I threw my Mom a Suprise 50th birthday party in December. I never got an RSVP from them (only the one cousin) so I had to call them up and their answer was I GUESS we'll be there. Like Thanks.

You could feel the tension when they arrived. They were very rude to all of us. The oldest cousin turned his back to my Grandpa. They were going to leave the party without saying goodbye before cake. They were made because we gave my mom her gift in front of everyone. They said that should've been done at home.

Now since then I've seen My uncle, and two cousins in the neighborhood at Unos, with an unfamiliar woman. My family suspects that my Uncle is trying to get them all against us so he can bring in his new babe and we not find out. Now the thing that also pis sed us off, was that they come in from Jersey, are 5 minutes from My Grandpa and ourselves, and they dont visit. You shoul'dve seen their faces when they saw FH and me!

I've tried to be the mediator in all of this, but my Uncle and 3 cousins have made no contact with anyone in the family since the party. We've called them for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and were basically rushed off the phone. I sent the 3 girls BM newsletters to keep them informed of whats going on.I had to contact them to see if the received them. Now again, my cousin which I'm closest to has still been talking to me about wedding stuff and has even seen my dress. But with the cousin who will be 21 next week, I've emailed and get nastier emails back. All i do in the emails is bring up the facts about how my grandpa deserves respect, and imagine how he feels in all of this. I got a recent one today where she said actions speak louder than words in response to the fact that I said I am not a phone person, hate the phone and am not one to call some one out of the blue to talk for an hour. With that, it works both ways. When I have called, she never answers or calls back. So I feel like I bother her and what more can I do.

At this point, I dont see the families coming together AT ALL. The only one I still want as a part of my wedding is the one I still talk to, the one I've been like sisters with since we're only 13 months apart. Would it be wrong to count the other three out of the BP?

I understand that I cant imagine what its like to lose a parent, and I feel so bad for them. And my family has tried to be there for them, but to them its not enough and we get pused away.

Thanks so much for reading ALL of this, if you did

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

I think you all need to get things out in the open and talk. There seems to be alot of misunderstandings and this is where the drama stems from. Come out and say, listen i think youre mad that my mom didnt call but she didnt forget, say how she is the one who reminded others and that your dog got sick and thats why she didnt have a chance to call and thats it and a small thing like that should not be something that divides a family. Explain how you feel, let them explain how they feel. And then just move past all this

I am sure this is the last thing your aunt would've wanted and maybe they need to be reminded of that. Should realize how important family is and instead of falling apart you should be getting closer to eachother.

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

you need to call a family meeting. You need to assure everyone you are inviting that there will be no name calling and no fall guy and that everyone will have their right to be heard.

Clearly your cousins are still grieving. Be prepared to hear some ridiculous things!

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wow my heart goes out to your family its so hard to lose a family member- especially one so young.... It would be great if you guys could all get together and talk out your feelings and see if you can resolve this- especially for your grandfather's sake. As for the bridal party, maybe sit down and talk to them and if they dont want to be in it, excuse them, but i wouldn't just not include them without talking to them first- it will only cause more hurt feelings on both sides- good luck

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I've said to my cousin that we all need to come together and have a meeting. My grandpa, all of them, all of us, and even two of my Uncles, who have also been given the cold shoulder. My cousin said that the rest of her family is to stubborn and not in the mindset to talk to the family. No on on this side is opposed to doing so. I think it is soo sad.

Denise you're right though. I think my Aunt would be disgusted my all this.

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Posted by futuremrsfab

wow my heart goes out to your family its so hard to lose a family member- especially one so young.... It would be great if you guys could all get together and talk out your feelings and see if you can resolve this- especially for your grandfather's sake. As for the bridal party, maybe sit down and talk to them and if they dont want to be in it, excuse them, but i wouldn't just not include them without talking to them first- it will only cause more hurt feelings on both sides- good luck

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Thanks. I know I should talk to them first about it. But its not like they answer emails or phone calls right away. I emailed my cousin two weeks ago right away to her email, and just got her reply back this morning, when I know she's been online and myspace since then.

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Are you sure we're not from the same family?? I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, it is really aggravating and depressing. I know and I went through so much similar stuff with my family. The best you can do is just try your best but take my word, do not consume yourself with this. I hate to be the pessimist but these things just snowball over stupidity and hurt feelings.

My whole family divided over a 'rumor' that my one aunt said something to the other aunt while she was all the way in EUROPE while she was at my dying grandfather's bedside (God rest his soul)!!!!!!!! The other Aunt heard about it when they got home and then got mad and wouldn't go to the other Aunt's sons Graduation party and THERE YOU GO!! Huge family battle over stupidity. People can be very sensitive and feel they have been wronged over nothing. This got so bad that the entire familie's got torn apart and when my Uncle ended up with a Brain Tumor, the one Aunt forbid the other Aunt to come visit (Who is his sister, mind you). I don't mean to get off your topic but i'm just trying to show you an example of how totally out of control this gets. My poor Aunt couldn't even come to my Uncle's funeral over family stupidity.

It is not just you. I don't mean to be cold, I know you love and care for your family but you have a wedding to plan and you are starting your own family. I was stupid in the beginning too and tried to include everyone and be the family mediator and I only got backs turned to me and unreturned phone calls. The one cousin that was supposed to be in my wedding never returned my calls, wouldn't return my emails and I had to chase her down and finally she answered that she didn't feel she'd be able to walk down the aisle for me b/c she's so upset for her father. I lost my dad when I was only 19 so I can totally understand. HOWEVER, meanwhile she can post pics all over her myspace of her drunken binges with her friends and trips all over. PPUHHHLLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

Sorry so long but i'm trying to save you some trouble. You are starting your own family, make that #1 in your life.

FM if you ever want to talk. GOOD LUCK HUN!!

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Posted by cherish83

I've said to my cousin that we all need to come together and have a meeting. My grandpa, all of them, all of us, and even two of my Uncles, who have also been given the cold shoulder. My cousin said that the rest of her family is to stubborn and not in the mindset to talk to the family. No on on this side is opposed to doing so. I think it is soo sad.

Denise you're right though. I think my Aunt would be disgusted my all this.

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sometimes it takes a strong person to put things aside, let go of things and reach out and say listen i dont want things to be this way, i love you and lets just please find a way to get over this and move on.

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Posted by anamaree77

Are you sure we're not from the same family?? I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, it is really aggravating and depressing. I know and I went through so much similar stuff with my family. The best you can do is just try your best but take my word, do not consume yourself with this. I hate to be the pessimist but these things just snowball over stupidity and hurt feelings.

My whole family divided over a 'rumor' that my one aunt said something to the other aunt while she was all the way in EUROPE while she was at my dying grandfather's bedside (God rest his soul)!!!!!!!! The other Aunt heard about it when they got home and then got mad and wouldn't go to the other Aunt's sons Graduation party and THERE YOU GO!! Huge family battle over stupidity. People can be very sensitive and feel they have been wronged over nothing. This got so bad that the entire familie's got torn apart and when my Uncle ended up with a Brain Tumor, the one Aunt forbid the other Aunt to come visit (Who is his sister, mind you). I don't mean to get off your topic but i'm just trying to show you an example of how totally out of control this gets. My poor Aunt couldn't even come to my Uncle's funeral over family stupidity.

It is not just you. I don't mean to be cold, I know you love and care for your family but you have a wedding to plan and you are starting your own family. I was stupid in the beginning too and tried to include everyone and be the family mediator and I only got backs turned to me and unreturned phone calls. The one cousin that was supposed to be in my wedding never returned my calls, wouldn't return my emails and I had to chase her down and finally she answered that she didn't feel she'd be able to walk down the aisle for me b/c she's so upset for her father. I lost my dad when I was only 19 so I can totally understand. HOWEVER, meanwhile she can post pics all over her myspace of her drunken binges with her friends and trips all over. PPUHHHLLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

Sorry so long but i'm trying to save you some trouble. You are starting your own family, make that #1 in your life.

FM if you ever want to talk. GOOD LUCK HUN!!

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It really is stupid. Those are the times when families should be coming together. That is ridiculous that the aunt wasn't given the respect to say goodbye to her brother. That is soo sad.

OMG, though, about the Myspace thing! My cousin, the one who's emails are nasty and pi ss me off, says that they are in mourning and how we don't understand what they are going through. YET, posts pictures on myspace of her at a Christmas party, and going out to hooters with her friends. And on NYE, when you think would be an emotional time, is out with her friends instead of home with the family.

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

Ok I have a very similar situation in my family right now that definitely has divided my mom's side and she only talks to her brother now! Ok here I go just for some background:

My Nana (mom's mom) got sick in August and actually had a heartattack and needed quadruple bypass surgery. She got out of surgery fine. But doctors said she probably can't live on her own. She was in a nursing home for 2 weeks to recoup. And while in there my mom and her 2 sisters and 1 brother talked about what they should do with Nana. She has her own apt and cant live there by herself. She couldn't even stand to go to the bathroom by herself. Well ultimately my dad said his mother in law (my nana) could live with us. Not even his own mother and he offered unlike my mom's 2 sisters. My mom's younger sister (who we are sooo close with) said ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVING HER MOTHER MOVE IN WITH HER!! Even for just a little bit while she recoups. Well assistant living was too expensive so my mom agreed Nana could move in with us. My dad even took out a 2nd morgage at the age of 50 to build an extension onto the house to make another bedroom for my Nana. But in the mean time my mom has 6 kids, works full time and my youngest brother is 9 so he definitely still needs her. Well during my Nana's whole recouping stage not one of my mom's sister called. My uncle came over and helped out but seriously how much can he help with bathing, bathroom etc. My mom's youngest sister told my mom she wasnt driving 30 minutesto our house to bring my Nana to doctors appts if my mom was working etc. (and my aunt doesnt even work) and my other aunt lives in florida and she is the biggest baby! Always about her. So after 6 months of living in our house my mom finally suggested my Nana go stay with my aunt in florida for a while who has a huge house all to herself. lol. So my Nana is down there right now. But my mom's 2 sisters have not talked to my mom since about oct. because definitely alot more than what I have written here just alot of drama with my mom's siblings actually helping my mom take care of THEIR MOTHER! And I feel soo bad for my mom. Thankfully the cousins arent dragged into it.

BUT- to get back to your story megan I think it is hard to get the families to talk. I tell my mom she needs to have them all come over and talk. But I know my aunt that lives 30 min away will NOT come over she is so stubborn. And if you ask me they are all being selfish. So IT WILL BE HARD to get your family there. And I felt at first like getting into it and stepping in to help my mom. but she even told me no because it's not my battle.

but in your case megan it might be rough and they might not talk to you. and i think you have to mkae the decision if you want your cousins in the bridal party still. maybe talk to teh cousin you still speak wiht and see what she thinks about it. Because in the end u dont want her not talking to you either!!!

GOOD LUCK! Sorry mine was long as well haha

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by cherish83

I've said to my cousin that we all need to come together and have a meeting. My grandpa, all of them, all of us, and even two of my Uncles, who have also been given the cold shoulder. My cousin said that the rest of her family is to stubborn and not in the mindset to talk to the family. No on on this side is opposed to doing so. I think it is soo sad.

Denise you're right though. I think my Aunt would be disgusted my all this.

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sometimes it takes a strong person to put things aside, let go of things and reach out and say listen i dont want things to be this way, i love you and lets just please find a way to get over this and move on.

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Yup. I know thats what I should do. But at the same time, I feel like my family has taken the brunt of everything and has been used and taken advantage of time and time again. We've apologized for things done that they took the wrong way, just to try and drop it, but they arent.

My mom has apologized to my cousin for not calling her on her Bday, and she said its okay. Took the money my mom gave her and left the card on the table. My grandpa overheard her telling her sister to throw it out. So its like, how much do they really care.

Re: Family Drama continuing on for way to long, what would you do. Warning-Extremely long

I can't imagine what you are going through, but my heart goes out to you. I agree with whoever suggested a family meeting. I know it might be hard to get everyone together with all the hard feelings, but perhaps you know someone who is sneaky and can get everyone together without them realizing what the purpose of the get together is for?

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OMMGGGGG EXACTLY!!!!!!! It's too 'difficult' for her to represent her family and walk down the aisle with her cousin that loves her....but she can post NYE pics getting wasted while she should be home 'mourning.' Her dad had only passed away less than 2 weeks ago at that time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love them to death but i'm so hurt over it. My dad walked her mom down the aisle and he won't be here to walk me, I at least wanted some part of her family there for me. Guess that's just expecting TOO MUCH!

Be strong. I really don't understand people at all. IMO if they're being that way to you, just 'relieve them of their HUGE responsibility of being in your wedding', I mean 'WHAT A BURDEN!!'

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Posted by cbcf

Ok I have a very similar situation in my family right now that definitely has divided my mom's side and she only talks to her brother now! Ok here I go just for some background:

My Nana (mom's mom) got sick in August and actually had a heartattack and needed quadruple bypass surgery. She got out of surgery fine. But doctors said she probably can't live on her own. She was in a nursing home for 2 weeks to recoup. And while in there my mom and her 2 sisters and 1 brother talked about what they should do with Nana. She has her own apt and cant live there by herself. She couldn't even stand to go to the bathroom by herself. Well ultimately my dad said his mother in law (my nana) could live with us. Not even his own mother and he offered unlike my mom's 2 sisters. My mom's younger sister (who we are sooo close with) said ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVING HER MOTHER MOVE IN WITH HER!! Even for just a little bit while she recoups. Well assistant living was too expensive so my mom agreed Nana could move in with us. My dad even took out a 2nd morgage at the age of 50 to build an extension onto the house to make another bedroom for my Nana. But in the mean time my mom has 6 kids, works full time and my youngest brother is 9 so he definitely still needs her. Well during my Nana's whole recouping stage not one of my mom's sister called. My uncle came over and helped out but seriously how much can he help with bathing, bathroom etc. My mom's youngest sister told my mom she wasnt driving 30 minutesto our house to bring my Nana to doctors appts if my mom was working etc. (and my aunt doesnt even work) and my other aunt lives in florida and she is the biggest baby! Always about her. So after 6 months of living in our house my mom finally suggested my Nana go stay with my aunt in florida for a while who has a huge house all to herself. lol. So my Nana is down there right now. But my mom's 2 sisters have not talked to my mom since about oct. because definitely alot more than what I have written here just alot of drama with my mom's siblings actually helping my mom take care of THEIR MOTHER! And I feel soo bad for my mom. Thankfully the cousins arent dragged into it.

BUT- to get back to your story megan I think it is hard to get the families to talk. I tell my mom she needs to have them all come over and talk. But I know my aunt that lives 30 min away will NOT come over she is so stubborn. And if you ask me they are all being selfish. So IT WILL BE HARD to get your family there. And I felt at first like getting into it and stepping in to help my mom. but she even told me no because it's not my battle.

but in your case megan it might be rough and they might not talk to you. and i think you have to mkae the decision if you want your cousins in the bridal party still. maybe talk to teh cousin you still speak wiht and see what she thinks about it. Because in the end u dont want her not talking to you either!!!

GOOD LUCK! Sorry mine was long as well haha

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Caite, I'm sorry your family is going through cra p too. Its soo foolish. You would think it would be a no brainer for people to show decency when it comes to their own family. I can't believe how selfish people can be. Your Dad seems like an amazing man to do that for your Grandma. Atleast she has you guys to be there for her.

You're right though. I should talk to that one cousin and see what she thinks.

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Posted by anamaree77

OMMGGGGG EXACTLY!!!!!!! It's too 'difficult' for her to represent her family and walk down the aisle with her cousin that loves her....but she can post NYE pics getting wasted while she should be home 'mourning.' Her dad had only passed away less than 2 weeks ago at that time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I love them to death but i'm so hurt over it. My dad walked her mom down the aisle and he won't be here to walk me, I at least wanted some part of her family there for me. Guess that's just expecting TOO MUCH!

Be strong. I really don't understand people at all. IMO if they're being that way to you, just 'relieve them of their HUGE responsibility of being in your wedding', I mean 'WHAT A BURDEN!!'

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The way I see it they are selfish. THey have to understand what we're going through too. In your case, how hard it is going to be for you to not have your dad there. She should understand that.

My cousin talks about how she just quit her job and the gas and tolls is too much to spend to come in and visit. So i'm thinking 'what a burden' it will be when we get closer to the wedding.

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Listen, i'm sure you have alot of people in your life that truly want to be there for you. Try to focus on the good and enjoy your enagement with FH. Life is too short.

What a happy time ~ You're getting MARRIED!!!! Enjoy it and good riddance to the people who are too 'burdened'.

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Posted by anamaree77

Listen, i'm sure you have alot of people in your life that truly want to be there for you. Try to focus on the good and enjoy your enagement with FH. Life is too short.

What a happy time ~ You're getting MARRIED!!!! Enjoy it and good riddance to the people who are too 'burdened'.

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Thanks!! You made me feel a lot better

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You're so welcome. I know how frustrating this can be, it's a total bummer (for lack of a better word).

FM any time!

Goin to the Chapel and she's..........GONNA GET MARRRIIIEEDDDD!!!!!

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Posted by anamaree77

You're so welcome. I know how frustrating this can be, it's a total bummer (for lack of a better word).

FM any time!

Goin to the Chapel and she's..........GONNA GET MARRRIIIEEDDDD!!!!!

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You're soo funny. Iove that song. And thanks!

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im really sorry about your aunt

i think your cousins and uncle may not know how to deal - it actually might make then feel worse to see your family together - since their family is now incomplete i seriously doubt that the missed bday phone call is the reason they are distancing themselves - it might be the excuse they were looking for though - in a way it might be easier for them to be mad and upset at your family/grandpa then for them to be around everyone while they are all so happy - its kind of far fetched buts its the only thing i could come up with - it just might be there way of dealing - seeing you guys together and happy may anger them because they are jealous and upset that their mom died which i could totally see happening and i could understand how they might feel that way - this isnt the same thing, but my FH's family is very close and very different from mine - holidays are always hard for me because even though my parents are alive - they are in florida and i dont see them or talk to them much and being around FH's close knit, lovey dovey family makes me sad, upset and sometimes a little jealous and i guess angry - i dont take it out on anyone but on the inside i feel like crap....

im glad your one cousin is still good - does she have any insight into how her bro/sis are feeling? why are they so angry? does she get along with them?