We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Okay, Dr Ferber's technique for sleep training a child is hotly contested to say the least. I'm not really looking for a debate on this, just some support and guidance from any of the BTDT Moms.

We are at a loss for effective ways of teaching Paul to fall asleep on his own. We've tried introducing a 'lovey' or 'cuddle friend' and he's not really taking to anything. He is soooo used to drinking a bottle and being held by Mommy or Daddy, just to fall asleep. This all started back in the winter, when he had his first really, really bad cold. We should have broken these habits sooner, but living w/my parents and then moving to the new house really prohibited us from doing ANYTHING with much consistency.

The nights after nights of him crying is really painful for me. I often cry too, b/c I feel so guilty and awful. Paul's pediatrician says that he is not crying for any other reason than being upset b/c we changed 'the rules' on him. I know there is some truth to this, but his crying just sounds so pathetic that it's breaking my heart! How do I survive this, and does anyone else have an experience to share? I want to know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

I really dont know anything about babies since I am not a mommy but I am sorry you have to go through this. It must be hard.

what about putting him in his crib and singing to him, maybe that would help him by hearing your soothing voice putting him to sleep.

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Thanks Melissa. I appreciate the suggestion. Unfortunately, there are certain 'rules' in Ferberizing that you must follow in order to show your child consistency during the sleep training process. One of the rules is to only stay in the room for a few minutes at a time. So, that would prevent me from singing to him until he falls asleep.

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

ok then how about a shot of jack daniels or shivers regal??? that could help

This baby stuff sounds a lot harder then I thought.

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

I so get what you're talking about. I did the whole 15 min of crying and 15 min of my being in there rubbing his back yada yada well DH could not go through with it. So we have stuck with the whole giving him a bottle and putting him in his crib. Although I think we may have gotten lucky as he has not needed a bottle every night this past week and a half.
Maybe the Ferber routine is just not for you guys. Perhaps you should try something else.
Wish I could say the solution to make this easier for you two. is the best I can give you

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

It's only hard right now, really. Once he's used to the new 'rules' he should go to sleep just fine on his own. It's getting there that just might kill me!

And, not everyone believes in sleep training their child, so I guess you could say I'm self-inflicting this misery on myself. But, I just can't be holding him and feeding him a bottle every night until he's five!

Give me strength!

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Have you spoken to your peditrician that maybe like briarose said ferberizing just isnt for you and the baby. Maybe the doctor has some suggestions that can help.

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Claudine I have to say I know nothing about Dr. Ferber or the methods he suggests. I guess I am showing my age. However I am a BTDT mom from way back and my daughter lived with me til my granddaughter was 3 so I have a bit more recent experience with the whole sleep thing.

I know that it is difficult to let your child cry and cry. The guilt can be overwhelming I know. It's easier and less painful on the heart to go get them and say 'forget it' and try another day. However, the key to most learning with children is consistency and that I know from experience. You have to tough it out, there is not a lot else that you can do. What you might want to try though is gradually decreasing the time that you are in the room with him. Perhaps stay with him for 20 minutes for a few nights, then 15 minutes, then 10 and so on. But when you leave the room don't go back in. No matter what. Go in your bedroom, put the pillow over your head and hum (this is what I did ). Eventually he will get the idea and just give up.

I wish that I could offer you a better solution or a magic sleep potion (ohhhhh that would make me rich ), but unfortunately there isn't one. Just stick with it and it will work out in the end. Good luck.

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

You're right 'This too shall pass'
Somedays I dont think there's any part of parenting I think I'm gonna survive.
As far as the whole sleep training thing, you gotta do whatcha gotta do. Sanity is so fleeting these days.

A little strength for ya!!

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Awww... Claud Im sorry you have to go through this I agree with Wendy though. Is there any way you can feed Paul BEFORE he falls asleep take the bottle away and let him fall asleep on his own?? Have DH rub his back and cuddle but not laying on him.

Have you read No Cry Sleep Solution? It has many ideas for falling asleep.

I read the book with Emma. She used to sleep with me and FH. Now she is in her own crib (yes still in my room because of MY issues) and sleeps through the night. FH puts her to sleep. They lay together (sometimes on him sometimes on the floor next to each other) he rubs her back and she falls asleep. If she is with me she expects to nurse... this is where FH comes in to help teach she doesn't need it to fall asleep. So far so good.

I tried to let her CIO... it worked ONCE!!! She cried for about 15 minutes and fell right asleep... never again. I couldn't listen to her cry.

Im sorry here I am babbling about my problems and issues when its you who needs help... I really can't offer too much advice just some 's

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Claud-
I really cant offer my advice either but just lending an ear Its hard to listen to them cry and then its even harder when you KNOW what they want and are trying to change the routine.. Unfortunately, I do think that Wendy's advice is the thing to try. Even my pediatrician at one point I was telling him JA would sometimes get up in the middle of the night and just whine/cry to be picked up & entertained (not hungry) and he also said 'let him CIO, he'll be fine'. I know its hard words to give to a mommy. and im sure the road ahead for us doesnt get any easier (but it DOES get more rewarding!!! )

For a while now, I have maybe once or twice a day, I lean JA against my boppy and give him his bottle. He loves to drink it on his own, he puts it down and picks it back up and takes his time drinking it. He might even play in between and then 'leap' to it to finish it up. and he'll take a bottle from anyone that is visiting and wants to feed him. As far as sleep, I used to wait till he fell asleep in the swing or packnplay (he outgrew the swing ) and then we'd put him in the crib. But about 2 months ago, my sister told me 'you better start putting him in there awake and letting him learn to fall asleep himself' so im glad she told me that, because since then, we just put him in there and give him hugs and kisses and hold him a little and he's good to go. He entertains himself with the aquarium for a bit, babbles to himself, and within 15 minutes, he's asleep. Some nights, with teething really bothering him, he might cry for a few minutes, and if it does sound like a harder, more painful cry or if it goes on for more than 5 minutes, we do go get him (I know that pull at the heartstrings-feeling ) so if he needs to be comforted or given tylenol for his teething we do that...
I really dont know what other words to offer. Sometimes it seems they go through phases that we just cant understand, youre not alone.
My niece (2) wakes up crying. She is the most happy, bubbly girl ever, but she almost ALWAYS wakes up with this whiney drawn out cry ...
She gets plenty of attention and its another one of those things that can make mommy go koo-koo
Big hugs to ya.
Let us know how this progresses for you !

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

I have no advise. But I do hope that it gets better.

Keep us updated.

heres what ive done so far...

dONT know what to say cept I'm right there w. ya. Most nights Julianne starts cranking up at around 6ish...this are her witching hours......
then after I feed her dinner- baby food- and nurse her she still sometimes does not settle down.
I walk the floor with her...take her to the sliding glass doors so she can see the traffic going by...for some reason this starts to settle her down...USUALLY. then its lots of swaying, crooning and shushing.
then I put her in her crib like 85% -95% asleep

Other nights, its the swing and baby neptune until she conks out.

dont know if I'm doing the 'right' thing...but it seems to work most of the time.

(if we are out I put her in the stroller reclined all the way, with a lovey and drape a recieving blanket across the hood to block the outside distrations...then its back 'n forth over and over again. Hard to do when you are in a restaurant (like last night) cuz she usually starts up must as the appetizer hits the table. (I'm learning to eat left handed!)

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

I went through this with Annalise at 4 months and it was tough for a few nights. We were using ideas from 'Sleeping Through the Night'. There was some crying, but we went in to reassure her and never spent more than a minute. It was very tough, but you cannot give in and pick them up if you want a method like this to work. It may not be for you, but if you decide it is BE STRONG. In a few nights it will be so much easier - fussing a little, then no complaining. You could also put him to bed more awake each night if it is too hard to go cold turkey. I still nurse her before bed each night, but after her routine is done she goes in her crib. She now looks forward to going to sleep and thrives on her routine. She sleeps 9-10 hours, sometime more. We did go on vacation a few weeks after sleep training her. She slept in bed with us in the RV because it was the only place for her. We resumed sleep training after 3 weeks on vacation. It was much easier the second time around.
I send you strength and hugs

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

I wish I had some miracle advise to give you but I don't really know much about this yet. I'm sure it has got to be heart renching to listen to your child cry and not be able to make it stop but stick with it (easier said then done I'm sure) I know you can get through it....and if it just doesn't seem to be working out then try something else.

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Claud- I cannot even get my cat to sleep past 4am so I am probably not the right person to offer advise but I can say perhaps another book will have some good ideas that you can incorporate into your current routine.
And maybe you can sleep when the baby takes a nap during the day because I am sure you also need some sleep

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Claud,

How's it been going since you posted this?
I dont have any advice, just some Mommy support

Re: We're Ferberizing, and I am going to lose it!!! HELP!

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the support! Over the last 3-4 nights, Paul has been doing much better w/his new bedtime routine. DH and I are trying VERY hard to keep his routine consistent. Dinner, a tiny bit of playtime, bathtime, then he drinks his final bottle of milk downstairs in the kitchen, and then we brush his teeth and finally, storytime w/Daddy then IN THE CRIB. He's down to about 10-15 minutes of crying before he'll fall asleep. A couple of times, he only cried for 5 minutes. I think it's working. I am crossing my fingers.

The problem wasn't getting him to sleep through the night - he's been doing that (for the most part) since he's 10 weeks old. It was getting him to fall asleep w/o us holding him or feeding him a bottle.

I thought about the suggestion of giving him a piece of my clothing, or a blanket, but I decided that's not a good alternative for me. It's still making me his 'crutch' if that makes sense.

Again, thanks for all the hugs and support. I'll keep you all posted....