What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

Ok ladies.. I bring the subject to you since my FH is asking me to. He's such a wise man for knowing where to find the answer. So here is our little dilemma:

Tradition has it that the grooms family hosts the Rehearsal Dinner. Well, due to some financial worries and a few house repairs that are not finished, we decided (FMIL, FH and I) that I would ask my dad to host it. My parents are divorced, and since my dad is often left by the wayside with being involved, I thought this a nice thing to make 'his own' and let him feel a part of the wedding. Well..... 2 months after I asked him to do it, and he was excited and said yes, NOW FMIL tells FH that she is hurt that she isn't hosting the dinner. I don't understand.... we had this discussion over and over and we all decided it would be best to have it at my dads. Now she's changed her mind, and wants to do it. I told FH that I am not asking my dad to cancel his plans, so if it really means that much to him and his mom, that HE should bring the issue to my dad. What would you do? I really appreciate your opinions, and I know you ladies are the right ones to come to about this. TIA

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

I dont think it would be fair to have your dad cancel his now. Maybe he and your FMIL can make decisions together but you cant take it away from him now. JMO

Edited for spelling.

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

You made a promise and deal with your father - don't take away this limelight away from him.

One suggestion if your FMIL is concerned with wanting to hold it - see if she can provide some food, drinks, or a cake - so she is helping with the cost, but not really fully hosting it.

She can't renig on a decision that she made a while back and then complain now.

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

You have to let your dad handle it, that's what was decided and your FMIL has to go along with it. It was partially her decision in the 1st place!! Remind her why she didn't want to hold it originally. Maybe suggest that she can hold a morning-after brunch, that way she still gets to host something and doesn't feel too left out now.

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

I would not change plans. Maybe FIL's could contribute by creating the favors, decorating, or something else? Just an idea.

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

Erin, you know my feelings on this! There is no way, no how you can ask dad to step away from this now!!!! He is so eager & willing to provide a wonderful affair...FMIL had her chance & she agreed it was better this way...Stick to your guns girlie!!!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

DO NOT CHANGE YOUR PLANS. Im sure you dad feels honored to host it and that would be completely out of line to change it. Dont you love how people feel that wedding plans should me made and changed according to them. Tell FMIL Sorry, we already made arrangements!!!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

Well..,. since yesterday the events have escalated a bit and I'm starting to lose it slowly. I've been very nice up until now, trying my best to keep all the parents happy.. which mind you isn't easy because we are both kids of divorce a few times! So I'm dealing with an entourage now

I was doing invites last night with my mom and aunt, when FH calls me to tell me his mom is upset that she wasn't invited. WHY would he mention this to his mom, and then why would he feel the need to tell me when he knows what I'm dealing with for the RD?

So being the person I am... I called her right up, invited her over (which she declined...) but she DID mention again about the RD. So I told her if it meant that much to her, that she or her son should contact my dad cause I'm done with it. I'm not putting my dad out.

We'll see if anyone calls my bluff.

More to come today I'm sure..... Thanks for listening!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

I can't believe the headaches you are dealing with at this point! But then again, this is all because you are so close!!! Remember one thing, you have to wipe your hands clean & let other's deal! You made decisions w/FH & that is what stands!!!!

I am always here for you buddy

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

I think that it would be completely unfair to make your dad cancel his plans. I would tell FMIL that it is too late. Maybe she can help in the planning... Good Luck!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

why not have your fmil host a brunch the morning after instead - this way she can contribute if she wants and your dad can have the rd

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

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Posted by snowprincess805

why not have your fmil host a brunch the morning after instead - this way she can contribute if she wants and your dad can have the rd

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That is a great idea. She could not do it so Dad stepped up. Don't take that away from him. That is not right and deep down FMIL knows she is wrong. NO WAY..Keep it as is Dad hosting!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

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Posted by snowprincess805

why not have your fmil host a brunch the morning after instead - this way she can contribute if she wants and your dad can have the rd

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I was just going to suggest this...there is no way that your Dad has to change the plans that he made...she can;t do this to you less than 3 months before the wedding!

Suggest the brunch and if she declines...that is her problem!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

stick to your guns. you are sooooo close!!!!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

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Posted by snowprincess805

why not have your fmil host a brunch the morning after instead - this way she can contribute if she wants and your dad can have the rd

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I thought this would work, but since we won't be there for the brunch, she doesn't want to do that Which I can understand... but it's still something. FH keeps calling me to see if I've changed my mind... NOT happening. Him and his mom know what they have to do. I'm not coming out the bad guy with my dad. Him and I (dad that is..) don't have the closest relationship, so it took a lot to ask him to do this in the first place. He was honored So to take it away isn't right.. I'm glad you ladies agree. Thanks so much for your words.. they are keeping me strong!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

How about they split the cost? If she wants to contribute that would be a great way to help out.

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

Your wedding is in less than 3 months...its too late to change plans now. maybe there is something else the FMIL can help out/plan...

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

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Posted by kissy27

Erin, you know my feelings on this! There is no way, no how you can ask dad to step away from this now!!!! He is so eager & willing to provide a wonderful affair...FMIL had her chance & she agreed it was better this way...Stick to your guns girlie!!!

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Your Kissy is absolutely right kiddo. it is completely unfair for FMIL to try to take this away from your dad. like the other girls have said...it was a JOINT decision that SHE was involved in..

if your fh is going to talk to any of the 'rents, it should be his OWN MOM. sorry for her if she feels bad now, but I can't understand how she could ask you to take this away from your father in good conscience.

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

Thanks so much again ladies... the issue is still not settled. No one has talked to my dad though

I guess I am also kind of hesitant for her to do this RD because of financial reasons. She still owes us money (a decent amount...) and I can't see her being able to swing this dinner if she can't find the money to pay us back. I can't in good conscience do it.

I'm holding on, standing strong.. but I see the tides turning and a storm is on the horizon. I expect a 'nice' chat from FH tonight. I'm going to be prepared

And they say I was crazy to want to elope?! These people are crazy!

Re: What to do about RD..... I'm at my wits end

I agree with everyone on this that you cannot ask your dad now and especially since he is excited and willing to help. IMHO (and don't get upset please), I don't think it would be right for your FMIL or your FH to ask your dad either. Your dad may feel awkard and say ok when he doesn't mean it and especially if you were not that close to begin with, he may feel obligated to say yes. By your posts, it seems your dad is excited about being involved and I don't think it would be fair at this point for anyone to ask him to give up that honor. I would kindly explain to your FMIL that she declined to to host the dinner and as a result, you are forming a better relationship with your own father. Hopefully, she will stop asking. JMHO and best of luck.

ETA: You should tell your FH to drop the subject, it is what it is and it hurts you that he keeps on insisting this.