Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

COPY AND PASTE IT OR FM IT TO ME AND I WILL READ THROUGH AND ADVISE

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Was she apologetic? Does she know what an A$$ she is?

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

I can only imagine her response. After rereading your 1st post - it almost seems like this woman is jealous of you? Is that possible?
I mean to accuse you of faking allergies - she sounds very immature. Well we know she is since she would do all this in email rather than speak to you...

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

My reply:

Um. J...I can read this email, you know. I guess maybe this group thing is a bad idea if the cattiness is starting already. I'm pretty hurt you would talk like this behind my back,
so to speak. If you have something to say, say it to my face.

And just for the record, I have absolutely no problem with parking across the street normally, and I've done it every other time I've come to your place. I was certainly not intending to compare it to parking in Dupont...I KNOW that sucked, but you have to remember that was not entirely my decision
to hold rehearsals there. As for last night, I had hoped you'd understand that I was just worried about a little tiny black puppy who doesn't always walk straight being able to make it across a poorly lit street. Call me
overprotective, but I thought you'd understand as a fellow dog owner.

I'm also really upset at your comments about allergies. What, do you think I FAKE it? I've been on allergy shots for 2+ years now just
so I can survive at my own parents' house, Matt's parents' house, and numerous friends' houses. Do you think that's been FUN for me??Do you think I ENJOYED not being able to come over your place or anyone else's who had a dog? But the sad truth is that, even after all that, after 3+ hours with two
dogs running around, YES, I DO still get allergic. Sorry, but that's me. I even get allergic to Molly when it's just us at home sometimes. And why in the world would Mike be commenting on it when he wasn't even there?

J, I don't understand what you have against me, my house, or anything else. And I certainly can't deal with you 'stewing' over ME. I was feeling so good after we left, that it had been way too long since we'd all hung
out, that it felt GOOD to hang out again and talk about our plans and maybe singing together again. But I see that maybe that isn't what you really want. Reading your email made me just feel like crap and all my excitement over our discussion is pretty much gone. So maybe we should just forget
about it? From this email, it sounds like you don't even want me as a friend
anymore, much less a singing buddy.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

OMG....THAT IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alison....lose this girl! She is a total *****!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

The first email is AWFUL!!! What a horrid (fill in the blank!!)!!!!

I feel soooo bad for you!!!!!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

your response was great

but I agree with Sage, it's really time to just be done with this...

I'm sorry this will make problems for you singing but you can't continue with this girl.

AGain sorry you had to find out this way.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

If anyone sounds like there complaining it would be her, i advise you to rite back and advise that YOu are sorry she didn't have enough guts to tell you this personally and that you feel sorry that she is a grown women writing bs emails to the others. Thank her for the information on what a Sh** head she is ...........................LALALALALALALALALa and sing yourself all the way to happiness

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Yeah.. this is NOT a good situation..


I wish I sang well enough. Hang in there.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

GET RID OF HER!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

wow...you response was great...very mature...and I hope make her feel like crap...


did she respond?

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

honestly, I can be spiteful, I'd go to the next meeting with a copy of that e-mail and give it to her and say something about it. Then quit the group....you can find another group and better friends.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

What did she write back? I agree with Erica that was a very mature way to handle it

I would love to see her response to it

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

And last but not least, her (extremely LONG) reply. The parts in (BOLDFACE AND PARENTHESES) were added by me as a means of explanation for some of the things that might not make sense out of context. She has a bad habit of going point-for-point and I don't want to sink to her level. She has also been shown to be a liar in the past and I never know what to believe. Mostly, I just need a good way to respond...

>>Alison.

Well, obviously I'm very ashamed and embarrassed for my actions. No, I didn't intend for you to read this...I must have responded very quickly to an email from D, not realizing she sent it from the DM account. Regardless...it was ****** of me, and there is nothing I can say but I'm sorry...not because you found out, but because I was being a total ***** and talking about my issues to someone else.

Okay...being totally candid and honest.
I like you as a person. You know that...I wouldn't have made your veil or sang in your wedding if I didn't. In the group, though, there were some issues. Yes, yes...Matilda and new people and sniping...of course. But the main problem that I have had was with some of what I have called non-group-thinking mentality. And I think I might have mentioned that to you 2 years ago or however long it was that we sang in DM. Group thinking mentality is about what is best for the group as a whole, not always pleasing every individual but trying to find a majority or a compromise or something in the middle. You are very particular in your tastes and needs as an individual, so much so that it impacts the others around you tremendously. Whether it's dietary needs or fashion requirements, you need/want what you need/want, and everyone should fall in line with those needs. (THIS IS AN INTERESTING COMMENT SINCE MY ALLEGED NEEDS ARE ENTIRELY FOCUSED ON THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN ON WEIGHT WATCHERS) It's not to say they're not always legitimate or anything, but when trying to come to a consensus, having someone digging their heels in and saying, 'yes, but I want what I want' is not always helpful. It's not really about you, but the group. Just like the 250 trips I had to take into the City during horrific rush hour traffic...after 9 hours of work, not on the top of my to-do list. (FAR AS I KNOW, THIS WOMAN NEVER PUTS IN 9 HOURS AT WORK AND NO ONE ELSE LIVES WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF HER PLACE...EVERYONE ELSE IN THE GROUP LIVED NEAR EACH OTHER; SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO LIVED SO FAR AWAY, WHICH IS COMPLETELY HER CHOICE). It put undue burden upon me, and whenever I even suggested having it somewhere else, I was shot down. So I had to suck it up, for the good of the group...or quit. Because it wasn't about me, but what was best for the majority of the group.

Now, when we've had to hold retreats or all-day events, I always through my home in as a suggestion, and it was ALWAYS shot down. People who didn't have cars didn't want to carpool, didn't want to take the bus or the VRE to my house. I was in TIMBUKTU. So it was okay for me to drive *from* Timbuktu every week and for every gig, but it was not okay for anyone to return the favor when they have the luxury of no-traffic on a weekend. (AGAIN, NO ONE LIVES NEAR HER, SHE DOESN'T LIVE NEAR A METRO (SUBWAY), AND THE VRE TRAINS SHE SPEAKS OF ARE ON A VERY LIMITED SCHEDULE AND COST FAR MORE THAN THE SUBWAY. AND PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T HAVE CARS OFTEN COULDN'T CARPOOL EITHER.)

Then, toward the end of DM, we said let's have a retreat at Jill's house. Everyone was for it. But YOU. Why? (ACTUALLY THIS IS NOT ENTIRELY TRUE, THERE WERE OTHERS WHO DIDN'T WANT TO GO THERE EITHER, BUT THEY WENT ALONG WITH THE SUGGESTION) Because of your allergies. I don't doubt that you have allergies and that they are very uncomfortable. But so does Mike. He's deathly allergic to cats. But he goes over people's houses with cats and just takes some heavy allergy meds. If it's just a couple of hours, he does it because he wants to see his/my/our friends. (MIKE IS HER HUSBAND). Then it was what you were allergic to: my dog. My dog who is hypo-allergenic; in fact, the vet said that Shih-Tzu's are the best for allergy-prone people moreso than other dog breeds that are also considered 'hypo allergenic.' (AGAIN, AN OVER-EXAGGERATION. MY PARENTS HAD A POODLE AND A BICHON FRISE, BOTH SUPPOSEDLT 'HYPO-ALLERGENIC' DOGS AND I WAS ALWAYS STILL ALLERGIC). Jennie (my old roommate) was clinically a very sick girl...allergic to everything. Allergic to air practically. Spent most of her childhood and adult life in and out of hospitals because of her allergies. Serious, serious allergies. She was able to stick her face in Phoebe, petsit for us, and stay in our home for long periods of time without a single tear, sniffle, sneeze, wheeze, etc. To me, she was the biggest litmus test for allergies. But to have the retreat at my house, I was going to keep Phoebe on another floor of the house and gate her in, Mike was going to clean the hell out of the house, even put away the dog toys if the dog saliva was what was giving you the troubles. If it was nice out, we could have gone out on the deck. We were going to go to these lengths to make you comfortable. Because I REALLY wanted it at my house; after giving so much to this group I thought it was the least I could receive in return. But it never happened, because you wouldn't try it. Your comfort came above everyone else's needs. So my location was shot down. (THIS TO ME IS SELF-RIGHTEOUS BS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY ALLERGIC TO DOGS AND SHE KNOWS IT. PUTTING ME IN A POSITION TO SUFFER FOR AN ENTIRE DAY WAS NOT SOMETHING I FELT I HAD TO SACRIFICE MY HEALTH FOR)


Then, a year later, you got Molly. I knew you were going for the allergy shots, and maybe you could tolerate dogs more...but if someone is allergic, shots or not...they don't get a dog themselves! They get the shots to tolerate the limited exposure they have to them. So it was like, 'Oh, she can't be around Phoebe, but she can go buy a dog?' It just rubbed salt in an old wound. (I AM STILL NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND HOW THIS CONCERNS HER. GETTING A DOG IS SOMETHING DH AND I TALKED ABOUT FOR A LONG TIME AND PART OF THE REASON I CONTINUED THE SHOTS AND ALL THE EXTRA MEDICATIONS AS LONG AS I DID)

So, okay, fast forward to now. I have been stressed out of my mind at work with this proposal, so maybe I was being hypersensitive. Or maybe I was being hypersensitive in anticipation for the issues that bothered me with the group last time. But the food issue...20-something emails to nail down a time/place/cuisine. I understand you're on a diet (which is insanity, because you're so thin!...but that's neither here nor there), but I don't live in Arlington. We're very limited for takeout and restaurants. I work in the 'sticks,' so I don't have many options that way either. D was coming from Bethesda, so I didn't think she could/should have to pick something up on the way. (OF COURSE D SENT AN EMAIL SPECIFICALLY OFFERING TO PICK SOMETHING UP, BUT APPARENTLY IT'S NOT HER DECISION). I know Chinese was an option, but I knew the local Chinese place...they don't speak English. I just pictured the nightmare of you trying to explain *how* you wanted your meal cooked, and what was to placed 'on the side', and the guy being all confused, delivering food not up to your specifications, and then you being hungry and grumpy about it. I thought...hmm...if the suggestions I'm coming up with aren't suitable to her, maybe she should bring her meal? So...we found a good place, everyone was happy. Phew. (OF COURSE, SHE LEAVES OUT THAT THE ORIGINAL PLAN WAS TO MEET AT A RESTAURANT MIDWAY BETWEEN OUR HOUSES. SHE WAS THE ONE WHO INITIATED THE 20-SOMETHING EMAILS, FIRST ASKING TO MOVE THE LOCATION, THEN SUGGESTING ONE PLACE THEN ANOTHER. I DIDN'T EVEN MENTION MY WEIGHT WATCHERS REQUIREMENTS UNTIL THE 4TH OR 5TH EMAIL WHEN SHE CHANGED THE VENUE YET AGAIN TO ORDERING IN FROM RUBY TUESDAYS. I TOLD HER I WASN'T A HUGE FAN AND THE MENU DIDN'T LIST NUTRITION INFO BUT THAT I'D BE OK WITH A BAKED POTATO AND BROCCOLI, TO WHICH SHE REPLIED 'THAT'S RIDICULOUS, YOU CAN'T LIMIT YOURSELF LIKE THAT' AND TOOK IT UPON HERSELF TO FIND YET ANOTHER PLACE, REQUEST A MENU, AND FAX IT TO US. I COULD HAVE FOUND SOMETHING TO EAT WHEREVER, BUT SHE CHOSE TO MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME AS TO WHAT WOULD OR WOULD NOT BE CONVENIENT.)


So before you arrived, Mike went nuts cleaning up the house. He's been working crazy hours, but this last minute decision to have the meeting at our house (AGAIN, THIS WAS HER DECISION) forced him to go without some sleep and make the time to clean up the house. (WHY DIDN'T SHE CLEAN HER OWN F-ING HOUSE??) Vacuuming, dusting, lots of clutter, clothes and suitcases from our various trips, finding a place to 'dump' our holiday gifts we received but haven't found places for, etc. He wanted the house presentable, he even gave Phoebe a quickie bath and comb. (HIS CHOICE, AND PS, THE PLACE WASN'T EVEN CLEAN WHEN I GOT THERE ANYWAY!)

But it just feels like my house, my location, my dog, my food options...nothing ever seems satisfactory to you. The parking, the traffic (like I could do anything about that!), the way the dogs got along or didn't get along (and who attacked who, like it was personal!). (OH YEAH, HER DOG BASICALLY ATTACKED MINE) I have anxiety over what you will find wrong or uncomfortable or inconvenient whenever we get together, particularly if it's at my house/on my turf. I don't know why, but I do. So, again, after a stressful week and day, it just drove me nuts to hear your comments. (I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT COMMENTS SHE IS REFERRING TO HERE)

I have a nice house, I live in a nice neighborhood, I have a very well-mannered and sweet dog, one that doesn't cause discomfort to anyone (UMM, SHE SAYS THIS BECAUSE IT'S HER BABY. I HATE TO BREAK IT TO HER BUT THE DOG IS NO ANGEL), I have plenty of parking (NOT TRUE), my commute is no better or worse than anyone else (FOR HER, NOT FOR SOMEONE COMING FROM WHERE I LIVE, WHICH TAKES AN HOUR), I don't live in Sterling or Ashburn or Loudoun County or anyplace totally out of the way to the DC-ers, my husband cleans the house pretty well, and yeah...our bedroom was a wreck but Mike made me promise not to show it and it just so happened that Molly ran up there. But the comment that 'Molly was just playing amongst the clothes on the floor' just didn't make me feel any better about my embarrassment. (MY DOG MOLLY STARTED TO RUN UPSTAIRS AND I YELLED AT HER AND J TOLD ME 'OH DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, THERE'S NOTHING UP THERE THAT SHE CAN HURT OR THAT CAN HURT HER.' EVEN SO, I CHASED HER UPSTAIRS BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HER OUT OF MY SIGHT AND THAT'S WHEN I FOUND HER PLAYING IN THE ENORMOUS PILE OF CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR.)

As for parking at my house, you would have only had to walked through two pine trees to get to where you could park...not across the street. (SHE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS WHEN I CALLED ASKING ABOUT PARKING, BUT SHE DID NOT) Even if those 10 spots were taken, worst case scenario (THERE ARE ONLY 10 SPOTS FOR 10 TOWNHOUSES AND YES, THEY WERE ALL TAKEN), I just thought you could carry her, like I carry Phoebe, if I have to cross the street. Or park behind me for now, bring the dog inside, and then move your car to another spot. I just didn't want you to get towed...because that's a nightmare I didn't want you to risk. (NOT A TOW TRUCK WAS IN SIGHT. I PARKED BEHIND HER CAR AND LEFT IT THERE THE ENTIRE TIME AND IT DIDN'T SEEM TO BE A PROBLEM, SO I AM NOT SURE WHY SHE THINKS IT WAS)

And then after you left, I went downstairs to see if 'Angel' had taped and found two piles of dogshit (one of which was runny and was a ***** to clean) from Molly that she left. One on the new carpet. I know she's a puppy, so I am not mad in the least. It was just annoying. (ONCE AGAIN, I YELLED AT MOLLY WHEN SHE RAN DOWNSTAIRS AND J TOLD ME, 'OH JUST LET HER PLAY, SHE'LL BE FINE.' THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT!!)

And after a whole evening of hearing how Phoebe is attacking your dog, when they were honestly being just normal dogs figuring out who's boss and normal, healthy rough-housing (I know, I am panicked when I hear the growls and see the teeth too, but everyone tells me it's normal and dogs need to do that so that they're not scared of everything and everyone) (SHE'S IN A BIT OF DENIAL HERE...HER DOG WAS GROWLING, SNAPPING, AND BITING AT MINE. IT WAS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR NOT PLAY. AND EVERY TIME I KEPT TRYING TO PULL MY DOG AWAY, SHE WOULD YELL AT HER DOG INSTEAD AND TELL ME TO JUST LET MOLLY PLAY) ..it just made me snap and I sent the email to I thought was D's personal account, and I was a total inexcusable catty *****.

And I'm honestly very ashamed about it. I'm glad you found it, though...certainly not because I wanted your feelings hurt or for you to think this happens all the time when you're around (it doesn't, this was a one-time incident)(I AM NOT SURE I BELIEVE THIS, GIVEN HER PAST BEHAVIOR AND TENDENCY TO LIE)...but because it put a spotlight on my behavior, which was juvenile and really unbecoming of me.

So that's it in a nutshell. The God's honest truth. I think you've become high maintenance, (THIS IS EXTREMELY IRONIC, BECAUSE SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST HIGH MAINTENANCE PEOPLE I KNOW) and I think I've become hypersensitive and neurotic to try to please you and get some kind of 'seal of approval.' (HUHH??? I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THIS COMMENT) I'm sure if an impartial third-party saw us, they'd say we'd both have to adjust ourselves in how we deal with people.

Regardless of all of this, I do like you. I enjoy singing with you. I wouldn't have said 'hey let's do it' given all of what I perceived as criticisms from you. I don't have regrets in making the decision to restart. I just had a very weak and unbecoming moment, which now highlights that I can be a complete and utter ******* and I really need to work on that. That is not who I want to be or how I want to treat someone who has been a longstanding friend to me.

All I can do is apologize, hope you realize that I'm being sincere, and hope you forgive my despicable actions.

J

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

I wouldn't even respond.....

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

OMG...My head is spinning from all of that...

IMHO, it just doesn't seem worth it to go through more of this non-sense with her...
It seems that you both are trying to push something that's not there anymore...

I know it's hard to let go of long-standing friendships....but this one seems to have hit it's peak.

I would just politely reply that you are willing to forgive the e-mail, but just don't see reason to go on with the group...or the friendship.

Good Luck - and I am so sorry you had to go through all of this!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Good Lord!!!!

Alison, if I were you, I would not respond and I would never speak to her again. Clearly she has a lot of issues with you and she is trying to speak about them without really speaking about them. It is clear from her emails that she bashes you to your mutual friend and to her husband.

I admit to being a person who gets annoyed and vents. But I move one. She is clinging on to things that happened over two years ago and writes about them like they happened yesterday.

You will never be good enough and for some reason, whatever you do, even if it is going to her house, where she has brow beat you into going, somehow, she will still find some perceived 'high maintenance' behavior on your part. And since she is obviously looking for it, she will most definitely find it.

She would be dead to me, but I have no tolerance for that kind of B.S.

I agree with her on one minor point - you don't need to be on weight watchers!!!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

I think Becky and Sage said it great!!!


don't respond...don't deal with her...life is too long to have to have this kind of crap bothering you if you prolong it


(btw - I emailed my cousin if she knew anyone in the DC areas till who sings )

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Thanks Becky, but I put on way too much weight since the wedding (including the 12 lbs I'd originally lost through WW), so it's a necessary evil right now.

You guys are right, it's probably best not to respond at all to this nonsense. But I do need to reply regarding the group, since I just placed an ad for auditions.

I was thinking of sending something real short like this to both J and D. I am sure J will think I am being a baby and will never speak to me again but I guess I shouldn't care (though it will be tough since we do have a lot of mutual friends...side note: I was supposed to be MOH in her wedding and dropped out because she was pulling this same kind of cr@p on me then too). D may ask why, in which case I'll tell her.

What do you think?

>>After further consideration and soul-searching, I do not think I will be able to pursue this project any further. I will call the Post and have them pull the ad and I will reply to any potential auditionees to whom I have spoken to let them know. <<

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Perfect! And then don't respond to any further emails, phone calls, etc. from her. I would probably send an email to D (did I get that right?) and explain to her that you read an email from J that was meant for D and based on the things she said in that email and a subsequent email, you don't feel comfortable singing with the her. I bet any amount of money that D will know exactly what you are talking about without elaborating further. She has probably been listening to this girl complain about you for ages.