Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I totally agree with being able to stand on your own two feet financially. When I was growing up I watched the woman across the street (who was very dear to me) have her husband leave her for someone else and saw how she had to sell her big home in Smithtown and go into a small small apt in Middle Island. It was not the life she knew. I also watched my aunt go through her divorce without a penny in her pocket, never having money. That left an impression on me. I was raised to always take care of yourself and never depend on a man. It always stuck with me. When you get married, you become a team. My opinion is though that you should never lose your sense of independence financially or any other way.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I rely on DH financially 100%.
I know there are women out there who don't and never will understand that, but the situation works for us and scary as it was at first, I'm very happy and completely adjusted to the situation. I love being a SAHW and look forward even more so to being a SAHM. I don't even keep a secret 'just in case' account.

I have my own credit cards, but he pays the bills. I have access to the checkings and savings for when I need cash. He earns all the money, but I'm never in the dark in terms of how much we have in terms of our assets. Call me idealistic but if I thought about the what ifs of divorce than I would have never married him to begin with. Let's just say that in this case our marriage is an excercise in blind trust and faith.

In the event of his death all the assets go to me.
My name is on the mortgage to our house and to his flat in England. All the bank accounts have my name on them.

We don't talk about what would happen if it didn't work out, because we focus on the committment we made to stay together. I have no desire to do it any other way and if it bites me in the @ss later on...so be it. That's the chance I choose to take.

Something else to add: I do have a friend who was married for 13 years and when he divorced, his wife got MORE than half of everything...so the circumstances vary. She never worked and they had no children. So in the event of divorce, it varies by situation. Not everyone is left high and dry.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

There is such a sense of security gained by knowing you can take care of yourself.

When DH asks me if I need money, or when he holds out money for me to take, I say 'No thanks, I'm okay.' Not having to take that money makes me feel good about myself. He's always shocked that I don't want it. I suppose even if I don't need it, I could take it anyway and go shopping!! LOL But I'm not ready for that yet. I still wouldn't feel right about it.

I was in a relationship when I was younger, in my late teens and early 20s. He worked and I went to school. He basically supported me financially. I HATED it. It made be feel trapped, dependent, and like a leech. When I wanted to leave him (he became abusive), I felt obligated to stay, since he had done so much for me. I had trouble breaking up with him because I couldn't just walk out the door. I had to get a job, save some money, etc. It took me almost a year to leave after I had decided in my heart that's what I wanted to do. So basically I 'faked' my way through that last year, biding my time while I built up resources. Talk about demeaning! It was NOT easy.

It's so tempting to say, 'Okay, I'll quit and you can work and handle the money.' Let's face it, who LIKES work? Not me. But having been on both sides of the fence, I'll choose work and financial independence ANY DAY over sitting by the pool eating bon bons while DH brings home the bacon.

Naturally, this doesn't apply to SAHMs....

EDITED TO SAY: Susans, as long as you are happy with your choice, that's all that matters! Maybe you are the stronger one of us all, who has the courage to take such a leap of faith in a day and age where most women are choosing otherwise. We all have to do what we feel is best for us individually. Good luck to everyone in their choice!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

KYSHA My girl to bring out reality issues that yes its unfortunate, but does happen. I am not talking about just divorce, but also death. You have to be prepared. My father was the one that always talked to my sis and I about marriage, relationships, education, financing. And he always told us to be prepared b/c you never know what may happen to your husband. If he passes away in a fatal accident, or decides to walk out on you, you can stand on your 2 feet and move on financially. Because you have your career and you make your own $$. To this day I value my father's conversations. They have pushed me to be a much stronger and independent woman. Where I don't need to rely on anybody but myself for anything. FH and I aren't married yet, but we have joint accounts, our own credit cards and our own bank accounts. This is the way it will stay. I handle all the bills but we both know where the money goes. We go over it each month together so he isn't lost in the finances. Because if anything is to happen to me, he knows where everything is and what to do moving on forward. I know that sounds very morbid, but you have to be prepared. Because we don't know what may happen from what minute to the next.

You can get joint credit cards? I never knew.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I don't think having secret accounts is the idea of being financially independent...but having your name on the mortgage IS important...

both cars are in my name as well (since my credit was better )

I have stocks that I acquired well before I met DH and I am just too lazy to change it...

We both have our own credit cards (he only has one...b/c of credit reasons)...but we pay them together

I do have my own bank account (at the same bank as our joint) b/c I rolled over a 401K and wouldn't be able to close it without penalty


what I have seen is my neighbor go through a horrible divorce and b/c of that my mother preached to me about having my name on everything...my friends sister also was separated and the ex closed the account...so there was nothing for her...


Its hard to say...

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Yabbobay - Why is it important to have your name on the mortage? My husband added my name to the deed of the house and my name is not on the mortgage. Is there a difference?

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Having your name on the deed is the important part. The deed is what determines the ownership of a home, not the mortgage. DH already owned his home when we got married. We had to have the deed changed in order to reflect a joint ownership in the property. DH added my name to the mortgage which then made me responsible for paying, so you can bet that after that my name was added to the deed!!!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

yes thank you Wendy...thats what I meant...

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

You're welcome Erica.I knew that was what you meant! Until that happened I always thought it was the mortgage too. Only found it when we refinanced the mortgage and I was included that it was the deed that made the difference. Hey, if I'm paying for it, it's mine too!!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Thanks Wendy and Erica!!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I also agree with keeping some finances separate. I have all of my credit cards still in my name with my good history and he has his own. I also have a 401k with my current employer, an IRA from a past employer, ROTH IRA, & mutual fund all in my name. I have several savings accounts in my name and we have several joint accounts as well. After buying a house, I intend to keep my credit cards, retirement and one savings account in my name.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

We have everything together except what we came in to the relationship with. I have my own checking account and savings so does he.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I agree with susans - when we get married it will all be together.

I could not get into a marrige with 'what ifs' and 'well if we get divorced'

That is just me - but I couldn't get into a relationship with escape plans if it doesn't work out.

I will always have my education to fall back on as well as family but I don't think about it like that.

Now it makes sense to keep your credit up and keep it in good standing because you don't know when you as a COUPLE will need it - but I never think of it as I as an INDIVIDUAL. That's just me but I totally understand what it's like to think about the 'what ifs' especially when hearing about the horrors of getting divorced

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I'm the same as Shamma -

'We have everything together except what we came in to the relationship with. I have my own checking account and savings so does he'. I also have my own credit cards. So does he. I pay mine, he pays his.

I know the situation will take some adjusting to when I am a SAHM. I have banked all my money thus far from working and have a healthy 401K going. I will use that money to draw upon in the future when I want my own spending cash so I don't feel as though I have to rely on him. However, he will be my total support financially when I am a SAHM. And I applaud susans for being confortbale in her situation. I think it works.

However, my name is not on the mortgage to the house. I do not pay any part of it either. And that is fine by me. After we got married, we put my name on the deed to the house though.