Re: not new

Another thing....$22,000 - $13,000 is only $9,000 and considering your father gave $5,000, that means he left you back at only contributing $4000.

Now keeping in mind your father gave $5,000 and you had $22,000, that's $17,000 you both have contributed. If you have contributed more than $4000 of your own money, then you can argue that that it was NOT his money, but YOUR money as well.

Re: not new

I think what he did is completely unacceptable... Investing money/letting someone borrow money, whatever is fine, but the thing is that he needs to discuss big decisions like this with you first. You are marrying this man and it should no longer be about what's mine and yours, but OURS. I would have a big discussion with him and honestly, start saving some money on both your joint account and your own account....

Re: not new

That's a tough situation you are in. I am in charge of FH & my finances. He has to clear it by me before he does anything major with money and we have seperate accounts. Watch yourself with this guy - is he really trustworthy if he took your joint money and basically gambled it away without discussing it with you first??? Have a long talk with him and let him know that a. he shouldn't speak to you like that and b. taking this money is going to have a HUGE effect on your budget.

I hope everything works out!

Re: not new

I would be upset...that is a large sum of money!

Re: not new

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Posted by SexyEsq

Honestly, I would take everything left that I put into the account out and run like the wind in the other direction. If you have been contributing it is not HIS money alone it is your money also - not to mention the fact that it is supposed to be for the wedding, and 13K is a lot to make up.

For him to speak to you like that (the shut up part) is just not right, and IMHO if he had really invested it he would have discussed it first or having not discussed it, would not have gotten so defensive and obnoxious about it, but rather would have been apologetic for not discussing it.

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I completely agree with this.

And I'm truly sorry that this is happening to you

Re: not new

i am confussed.. i thought you had a joint account? but the money for the wedding is being saved in his account.. either way.. that is a BIG decision to make on his own.. not that he is not capable but it is your $$$ too.. i dont know what i would do.. he even discusses things when he spends HIS money.. and i tell him it's up to you it's your money.. and he gets mad and says no it's OUR money, get use to it... ha.. thenwhen i say my nephew or my niece... he is like OUR nephew/niece! he is very OUR and WE...

was it a last min decision?? how long before you found out?? if it was a GOOD investment i would try not to be too mad... but definitly state he should have discussed it with you...

Re: not new

wow!! there are some many issues here. Are you sure he actually invested the money???? I hope he is not covering up a problem here.

1. He should be discussing these things with you .
2. He should not be treating you like this
3. Your money should not be in HIS acct.
4. How can you be sure the money is actually invested?
5. If he has done it once he probably will do it again.

I wish you the best of luck.

Re: not new

This is a serious problem. What he did is totally wrong, there is absolutely no excuse for his actions, and telling you to shut up when you asked him about it is terrible.
I agree with the other ladies, you need to find out exactly where that money went, and then take the rest of the money away from his hands. If he did something like this once, then he will do it again. You need to sit down and have a long talk with him about what is going on and how you will handle your finances in the future. Depending on how this conversation goes, I would take it from there.

Re: not new

If Fh had done that I would probably smack him upside the head! I think you have to sit down and have a talk with your FH (men sometimes get weird about $$$$ - it is the one thing that I have to choose my words carefully when we talk about it).

Although I have no problems with putting money into investments, I think there is a time and a place for investments - and a few months before a wedding is NOT the time (even 'sure' things aren't always really for 'sure' - esp. in the stock market). I would tell him that regardless of who put that $$$ in, it was put in with the understanding that it would go towards the wedding/hm/etc - which is a wedding for BOTH of you. I would tell him that I was most hurt by the fact that he did something (that could potentially lose all that money) without even consulting me, and then was nasty and defensive when you wanted to talk about it (perhaps he realized what he did was wrong - which could be why he snapped). Good luck - hopefully you can talk it out

Re: not new

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Posted by SexyEsq

Honestly, I would take everything left that I put into the account out and run like the wind in the other direction. If you have been contributing it is not HIS money alone it is your money also - not to mention the fact that it is supposed to be for the wedding, and 13K is a lot to make up.

For him to speak to you like that (the shut up part) is just not right, and IMHO if he had really invested it he would have discussed it first or having not discussed it, would not have gotten so defensive and obnoxious about it, but rather would have been apologetic for not discussing it.

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Well said and I agree 100%

Re: not new

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Posted by BKtoLI

Another thing....$22,000 - $13,000 is only $9,000 and considering your father gave $5,000, that means he left you back at only contributing $4000.

Now keeping in mind your father gave $5,000 and you had $22,000, that's $17,000 you both have contributed. If you have contributed more than $4000 of your own money, then you can argue that that it was NOT his money, but YOUR money as well.

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Excellent illustration of the point!!! I agree with what all the other girls have stated - I would have a long conversation with him regarding his lack of respect for you , the wedding, and the lack of communication. I sincerely hope everything works out for the best and please update us on what happens!!

Re: not new

If you had the joint account, why was the $ in his account? Was it something he wanted? I fear that he didn't invest it, and has used the $ for other reasons - perhaps to cover a bigger problem? Based on his reaction of 'shut up' it sounds as though he knows he is in the wrong. Even if he did invest it, that kind of decision should be talked about beforehand. You guys are entering into a partnership here. I'm with the ladies - you need to get to the bottom of this.

Re: not new

we had a joint acct pretty soon in the relationship.... If 20 bucks were missing, he'd ask me where the money went - we are not allowed to take out any extra money over our budget unless we talk to each other - of course, our acct never saw more than 2000 dollars at one time - let alone 13K!!!

Re: not new

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Posted by JanuaryBride06

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Posted by SexyEsq

Honestly, I would take everything left that I put into the account out and run like the wind in the other direction. If you have been contributing it is not HIS money alone it is your money also - not to mention the fact that it is supposed to be for the wedding, and 13K is a lot to make up.

For him to speak to you like that (the shut up part) is just not right, and IMHO if he had really invested it he would have discussed it first or having not discussed it, would not have gotten so defensive and obnoxious about it, but rather would have been apologetic for not discussing it.

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I completely agree with this.

And I'm truly sorry that this is happening to you

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I agree completely with Darlene's post.



ETA: In the end, whether the money was truly invested, went towards a house for the two of you, settling a gambling debt, securing a drug deal...you were NOT consulted on it. Yes, you're not married yet, but it was for the TWO of you and even if a PENNY was taken, you should have been informed.

It's a huge 'FLAG' to what could happen in the future, and you should not tread lightly.

Re: not new

My FI invests as well, but he would never do anything without discussing it with me first, and he would never use the money that we are saving for the wedding.

I agree with everyone, you really need to have a discussion with him. I don't like the fact of utter disrespect to you on his part, I truly hope he sees the light on this, because I would be out the door. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Re: not new

There are some bigger problems than money here. It's a power thing. A big sit down is in order..now!

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

bump

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

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Posted by MaybeNotIn06

My fh and I are supposed to get married within the last 6 mo of the year. We have been engaged for a little over a year and have been dating for 3. We have a joint wedding account and are paying for the wedding ourselfs (except for $5,000 that my father gave us when we first got engaged) Our wedding is going to cost $29,000 total. As of the first week in december we had saved $22,000 in HIS account (including my fathers 5k) I went to put a deposit in today, and 13k is missing, when I ask fh he tells me that his friend, who is a stock broker, had a great tip for him and he just gave him OUR 13k. he said that was HIS money that he had saved and I should 'shut up'. That we could replace it, and whats the big deal? We have NEVER been in a fight before and he has never done anything like this, what would you do?

UPDATE::

We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.

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Thank you for updating us, and honestly, IMO, this is STILL A HUGE PROBLEM. Besides putting you down b/c you're not 'savy' to handle the finances, he has revealed that he has some gambling issues (we're talking A LOT of money here) and that he DOES NOT want to answer to you.

I'm sorry to say this, but either you take that money and put it into an account he does not have access to, or you get the hell out of that relationship.

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

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Posted by MaybeNotIn06

My fh and I are supposed to get married within the last 6 mo of the year. We have been engaged for a little over a year and have been dating for 3. We have a joint wedding account and are paying for the wedding ourselfs (except for $5,000 that my father gave us when we first got engaged) Our wedding is going to cost $29,000 total. As of the first week in december we had saved $22,000 in HIS account (including my fathers 5k) I went to put a deposit in today, and 13k is missing, when I ask fh he tells me that his friend, who is a stock broker, had a great tip for him and he just gave him OUR 13k. he said that was HIS money that he had saved and I should 'shut up'. That we could replace it, and whats the big deal? We have NEVER been in a fight before and he has never done anything like this, what would you do?

UPDATE::

We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.

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I hate to sound harsh but It seems like your FH has a gambling problem. I had a family member who had the same problem and it really destroyed their life and messed up their family pretty bad as well. If he does have a problem, there is help available. Please FM me if you would like to discuss this further, I wish you all the best

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

After reading your update, I do not feel any better about your situation. I agree with stephanie that it sounds like your FH has a gambling problem. This is something you need to resolve or at least begin to work on before the wedding. You're not talking dollars and cents here. 10,000 dollars is a lot of money!!
He was very condecending to you to say that you are not good in that area, and therefore he should have all the control of your money and you have no right to know what he does with it. Hello, this is 2006, not 1950.