Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

One of my friends husbands recently started daytrading. He lied to her about how much money he was spending/making. He got the so far in the hole that they just want to see their house before they loose it. They have 3 kids and he told her he doesn't care if she leaves him, he won't stop because his big break is just around the corner. He wasnts to take 1/2 the money they make on the house and day trade it. Is this what you want?

I think your FH needs help. Gambiling is a, well, gamble!

Also, do you want to live a life where your money is his?

How would he feel if you just went and made a $10,000 w/o consulting him? Is that okay.

I think you need to have a great big talk with him!!

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

After reading your update, I do not feel any better about your situation. I agree with stephanie that it sounds like your FH has a gambling problem. This is something you need to resolve or at least begin to work on before the wedding. You're not talking dollars and cents here. 10,000 dollars is a lot of money!!
He was very condecending to you to say that you are not good in that area, and therefore he should have all the control of your money and you have no right to know what he does with it. Hello, this is 2006, not 1950.

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Especially if he is a gambler, I would tell him 'I am going to handle the money, not you'

what if he gambles your mortgage payment and loses. I'm sorry but you need to be more proactive. A gambler is the last person you should leave in charge of your finances. Remember, once you are married, his debt becomes your debt and his problems become your problems. I think you need to have a LONG talk with him. Good luck !!!

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Posted by MaybeNotIn06

My fh and I are supposed to get married within the last 6 mo of the year. We have been engaged for a little over a year and have been dating for 3. We have a joint wedding account and are paying for the wedding ourselfs (except for $5,000 that my father gave us when we first got engaged) Our wedding is going to cost $29,000 total. As of the first week in december we had saved $22,000 in HIS account (including my fathers 5k) I went to put a deposit in today, and 13k is missing, when I ask fh he tells me that his friend, who is a stock broker, had a great tip for him and he just gave him OUR 13k. he said that was HIS money that he had saved and I should 'shut up'. That we could replace it, and whats the big deal? We have NEVER been in a fight before and he has never done anything like this, what would you do?

UPDATE::

We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.

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sweetie, not to be rude, but this is a load of BULL$HIT. there shouldn't be ANY compromise! $10,000 dollars is where you should be involved- that is the biggest crock of crap. I'm so sorry, but that is just ridiculous. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let this go at that. it is so disrespectful.

edited to correct my spelling. this upset me so much I lost my mind.

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

In response to your update::

I'm am very sorry to say this, but get out now. HE will handle all the finances and he 'does it all the time' to remove money from savings to gamble or invest or whatnot? I DON'T THINK SO. Sweetie, I'm sorry, but you need to be in control of your fiances too. What happens if something happens and your left to handle this? You need to know what's going on. Number one, I would get out of the relationship (easier said than done, I know) if he is not willing to compromise.

If you want to learn more about money and fiances, I highly recommend picking up the book Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach. Not only about being rich, but managing and controlling your money.

Good Luck!

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Posted by MaybeNotIn06

UPDATE::

We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.

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This is disturbing. I wouldn't be able to stay in this situation.

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

After reading your update, I do not feel any better about your situation. I agree with stephanie that it sounds like your FH has a gambling problem. This is something you need to resolve or at least begin to work on before the wedding. You're not talking dollars and cents here. 10,000 dollars is a lot of money!!
He was very condecending to you to say that you are not good in that area, and therefore he should have all the control of your money and you have no right to know what he does with it. Hello, this is 2006, not 1950.

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I have to agree with this post. I would be worried that he intends to take charge of the finances once you are married.

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

Either get out now, tell him you will handle the finances, and if he doesn't like it, then too bad, or he has to join GA. End of story.

If he does this all the time, marrying him will not change that. Today it's the wedding money, tomorrow it's the rent or mortgage, and after that it's the kid's college fund. Gambling is no different from any other addiction, because that's what it is, an addiction.

My FH gambles also, and it worries me when he tries to spend more to win his money back, but the most he has ever lost was $600. And even that I b!tched at him for. He would never in a million years lose more than he could handle and he can walk away. It doesn't sound like your FH wants to walk away and is willing to lose you over it.

The headache and heartache is not worth it!

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Posted by JanuaryBride06

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Posted by MaybeNotIn06

UPDATE::

We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.

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This is disturbing. I wouldn't be able to stay in this situation.

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I agree that would be a red flag to me.

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

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Posted by FallBride05

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

After reading your update, I do not feel any better about your situation. I agree with stephanie that it sounds like your FH has a gambling problem. This is something you need to resolve or at least begin to work on before the wedding. You're not talking dollars and cents here. 10,000 dollars is a lot of money!!
He was very condecending to you to say that you are not good in that area, and therefore he should have all the control of your money and you have no right to know what he does with it. Hello, this is 2006, not 1950.

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I have to agree with this post. I would be worried that he intends to take charge of the finances once you are married.

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i agree - this is not acceptable! I'm so sorry

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Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

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Posted by BHW

It sounds like he has no respect for you or the money you've saved. Since the money is in his account, you can't get it back on your own. I'd at least ask him to return the $5000 your dad gave you b/c you don't want to risk him gambling all of the money away.
The fact that he takes thousands of dollars out of your wedding account and doesn't even think to consult you is a serious problem. It seems like you don't want to risk losing him by fighting over this issue. By allowing him control over your money, you risk losing the money and incurring substantial debt due to his actions. If you're going to continue in this relationship and let him withdraw thousands of dollars without your knowledge, make sure you protect yourself. Keep separate accounts. It's obvious he has a problem. He's going to throw away his money, but don't let him throw away yours. For every good tip or streak at the tables, there are many more losing streaks. Good luck.

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this is everything I meant to say in my post. Please look at YOUR future and decide if this is how you'd like to live- like a second-class citizen in your financial world. They say we learn more about our significant others as time marches on...you learned something SIGNIFICANT about your fh BEFORE you marched down the aisle- don't let this knowledge go to waste.

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

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UPDATE::

We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.

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I would be careful about this if I were you - this is a tough thing to know about even going into a marriage - and stuff like this doesn't get better without help...

have you 2 thought about counseling to discuss this?

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I think it is a big deal! Since he has been doing this and you had no idea...that is really wrong

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Posted by BHW

It sounds like he has no respect for you or the money you've saved. Since the money is in his account, you can't get it back on your own. I'd at least ask him to return the $5000 your dad gave you b/c you don't want to risk him gambling all of the money away.
The fact that he takes thousands of dollars out of your wedding account and doesn't even think to consult you is a serious problem. It seems like you don't want to risk losing him by fighting over this issue. By allowing him control over your money, you risk losing the money and incurring substantial debt due to his actions. If you're going to continue in this relationship and let him withdraw thousands of dollars without your knowledge, make sure you protect yourself. Keep separate accounts. It's obvious he has a problem. He's going to throw away his money, but don't let him throw away yours. For every good tip or streak at the tables, there are many more losing streaks. Good luck.

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This was very well said.

Re: not new!!!! Updated!!

First off, it sounds like he's the one that is not 'saavy' in the area of finances. He has basically been doing this behind your back which, to me, violates a huge amount of trust. I would have a serious talk with him and if he can't respect your feelings/wishes regarding talking over anything to do with $$ (or anything for that matter) before he acts, then I would seriously reconsider my feelings on the relationship because it shows a lack of fundamental respect towards you on his part. JMHO. Good luck with everything. I truly hope it works out for you.

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Posted by Faith

I would kick his a$$. Seriously, that's not acceptable behaviour and you should be consulted before an action like that is taken.

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I agree 100%. He would not live to see tomorrow! And i hate to say this, but if he's doing this now... just wait until your married! Obviously he doesn't see anything wrong with this and it doesn't sound like he's ever going to stop. What happens when you have a lot of money in that account, more than now and he gambles it and loses it?

My FH and i have a joint account together that we've had for almost 2 years now. Each month, part of our paychecks are automatically deposited. I have to say though, that i have complete and ultimate control over the account (which he contributes a lot more than i'm capable of). He doesn't even check it and i'm the one who pays the bills. But i would never ever make that kind of a move without talking to him first. Anything that pertains to OUR money should be talked about first. IMO.

When my parents went through their divorce, i learned quite a lot. Mostly i learned to make sure that your name is on everything (the car, house, etc). NOT JUST HIS. I also learned that you should have a joint account and your own that he can't touch. I know it sounds untrusting, but personally, i think its just smart. If i were you, i'd consider doing this right away.

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i would be so very upset that is a HUGE amt of cash, are you guys going to be ok with the wedding money now? did he get more money and put it back??

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I think you should make sure he consults you if he is going to take ANY amount of money out of a JOINT account.

If he can't agree to that, you should not share your finances with him.

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So he's been doing this all the time? So he's been taking money out, gambling it or 'investing it' and then putting it back? What is he doing with his 'winnings'? Has your account grown from anything other than what you have earned and put in? Is he pocketing the proceeds? He is essentially using your joint money to gamble and not sharing the rewards?

This is a mess..I would not be ok with what he is doing. Any investment whatsoever should be discussed together. This is not a good basis in which to start a marriage.

I'm sorry for being so blunt, but this needs to stop!

ETA: IMHO he has a problem with gambling.

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Posted by Blu-ize

So he's been doing this all the time? So he's been taking money out, gambling it or 'investing it' and then putting it back? What is he doing with his 'winnings'? Has your account grown from anything other than what you have earned and put in? Is he pocketing the proceeds? He is essentially using your joint money to gamble and not sharing the rewards?

This is a mess..I would not be ok with what he is doing. Any investment whatsoever should be discussed together. This is not a good basis in which to start a marriage.

I'm sorry for being so blunt, but this needs to stop!

ETA: IMHO he has a problem with gambling.

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I agree - I didn't want to be that blunt, but I'll second that...

I hope we don't scare this poor girl away!