A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back...AND yet another email

Ladies, I'm upset and confused and need to vent a little (apologies for the length of this). I also need some advice.

I have this 'friend' who, every so often, turns out to be really two-faced. For example, we're getting along great in person and then she lambastes me with some email for some tiny thing I apparently did to her that most of the time I don't even know I did or was relevant. But for the past 7 years, we have sung together in an a cappella group and remained friends, so I thought. She even made my veil for my wedding! So I thought things were ok.

The singing group broke up last year and we agreed to meet in January '04 to discuss when/if we wanted to start up again. We met the other night, the three of us remaining, and I had a great time seeing these women. It was fun and felt like old times. And there didn't seem to be any animosity.

Well, yesterday, I checked my email and there was an email from her completely bashing me! Only this time, it wasn't addressed to me, it was addressed to the other girl in the group, but this woman had accidentally sent it to me instead! And the entire email was complaining about me for reasons I didn't even understand, including an accusation that I fake my allergies! She was completely talking behind my back (or so she thought) and I couldn't help but wonder how often she does this, above and beyond the occasional nasty email she intends to send directly to me.

I was so hurt and upset that she would do this and now I don't know if I can bring myself to sing with her, much less continue our friendship under this pretense. It certainly sounds like she doesn't want to be friends with ME anymore if she hates me so much and feels the need to complain to someone else about me! I wrote her back telling her how hurt I was but received no reply. What should I do?? Should I just email both girls and tell them I changed my mind, I don't want to be part of the group anymore? I am so upset.

Thanks for listening and for any advice.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

Very easy solution:

Say Hasta La Vista to this 'friend'. You do not need this negativity in your life. This is unhealthy.

Move on and don't look back.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

I would REPLY to her email saying that you want to discontinue the friendship since it's obvious you are not one.

I am so sorry

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

Yeah I guess that's what I should do. The sad part is that it also means giving up on starting a new singing group.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

Can you start one with other people??

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

The problem is, I can't do it alone. I don't have the time, energy, or, most importantly, the skills to do it completely on my own. The three of us have sang together for so long...my music skills are not strong enough alone to start a group myself (I know, because I tried once).

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

I think I would forward the email to the other 2 ladies and ask them if this was meant for one of them...then tell them that you don't think it is a good idea that you continue with the group (this happens all the time...think Beatles)


I know it hurts...it has to be AWFUL...but in the end...it is good that you know and don't waste your valuable time dealing with this woman...


and keep this in mind...she has to live with herself...and that is more punishment than I would wish on my worst enemy...

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

I would respond to the email and say 'Did you send this to me by mistake?' - make her squirm!!!!!

Find out if the other person in your group wants to ditch her!!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

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Posted by AlisonMT

The problem is, I can't do it alone. I don't have the time, energy, or, most importantly, the skills to do it completely on my own. The three of us have sang together for so long...my music skills are not strong enough alone to start a group myself (I know, because I tried once).

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can you post in some music departments? or in a trade magazine?

my cousin used to sing accapella in a group in Binghamton...she is in Westchester...but I can put the 2 of you together if that helps

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

Well there are only three of us total...me, this woman ('J'), and a third woman ('D'), who is this woman's REALLY good friend. Case in point, J sent the original email thinking she was sending it to D. She even addressed it to D and it's very obviously about me because she uses my name in it a bunch of times. I'd actually like to remain friends with D (and D knows nothing about this email because it was sent to me instead of her, by accident). I wrote J back last night and asked her if she realized she had sent it to me and then told her how hurt I was, but she hasn't replied. The irony is that she has since replied to a different message I had sent her re group logistics, so I know she is on email today, so obviously she just hasn't found it necessary to address my concerns (or she is too embarrassed?). I wonder how wise it is to send the email to D...whether she will think ill of J or whether she'll just think I'm being catty... God, how I hate this!!!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

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Posted by yabbobay

my cousin used to sing accapella in a group in Binghamton...she is in Westchester...but I can put the 2 of you together if that helps

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Thanks, Erica, but I live in Washington, DC. I appreciate the thought, though! ETA: What group? The Pegs?? I went to Cornell, less than an hour away, and my group there often sang with the Crosbys...

And I did contact the choral director at AU(where I am doing my MBA) once before when I thought about going it on my own, but he didn't have the time to help me...

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

I would foreward to the other lady in the group and tell her as much as you like singing with her, you can not continue with the group as long as the nasty lady is in it. Maybe after seeing what she wrote,sh'll continue singing with you and dump her.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

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Posted by ChristineC68

I would REPLY to her email saying that you want to discontinue the friendship since it's obvious you are not one.

I am so sorry

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Exactly!!!

What a beotch

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

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Posted by AlisonMT

Thanks, Erica, but I live in Washington, DC. I appreciate the thought, though! ETA: What group? The Pegs?? I went to Cornell, less than an hour away, and my group there often sang with the Crosbys...

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they were the Binghamtonians (?) I have the CD that they put out (for fun) and there were lots in the group...she also lived in DC for a bit...maybe she knows someone...I'll shoot her an email and ask...

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

Erica, that would be great. When did she graduate Binghamton?

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do?

YOU DO NOT NEED THIS FRIEND IN YOUR LIFE.......

Trust me, I went through a situation a few months ago where I had to make a decision to break ties with a friend of mine and I feel SO MUCH BETTER for having done it.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Well I just got an email back from the beotch. It's extremely long but would take me even longer to expain it. Would anyone be willing to read it/advise if I pasted it in? I don't want to waste your time if not... it's probably something I need to figure out myself, anyway. I've got mixed feelings here...

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

First I'm sorry this happened to you....

I would talk to the other woman (who was supposed to get the email) and let her know that you will need to rethink your position in the group. This is also a way to find out if she's your friend too...

Good luck.

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

what could she possibly have said??????!!!

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Ok, bear with me while I paste it in...

Here is the original email...

>D...
>I'm still stewing from last night...I probably am too sensitive,
>but I took some offense to Alison saying that my house didn't have parking
>available...no, you can't fall out of your car and into the house, but
>there is ALWAYS street parking! Even during the blizzard we find parking!
>Think about what we all had to endure driving into the City and trying to
>find parking in Dupont Circle every week, and then having to let her
>doorman let us in, and then taking the elevator x-number of flights to her
>apartment....I think walking 25 feet to the road is not a lot to ask. And
>the 'traffic' she was complaining about...yeah, in 5 years of singing with
>DM, that would be 52 weeks x 5 years = 260 1-hour commutes for me to get
>into the City and/or Arlington. Cry me a damn river.
>
>I am glad to have rehearsals at your house. It's close to my house, I can
>take 66 from my work to get there in a reasonable amount of time (20-30
>minutes, tops), don't have to come crawling back home at 11pm after a long
>night of rehearsing and driving home, etc. I'm all about having it at your
>place. I just hope that we don't have anyone allergic to cats, because I
>don't want to have the discussion about having the rehearsals at
>Alison's...I will blow up.
>
>Mike loved the comment about how she was feeling allergic by the end of
>the night, that the two dogs were just too much for her. Puh-lease. That
>was just the icing on my evening.
>
>Ugh, I'll stop stewing...I truly must be insane to think I can stand this with her
>again...
>