I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

I have a friend who smoked while she was pregnant. She had to have an emergency C section because the baby wasn't getting enough oxygen or something like that. (Not being a mommy myself, I tend to miss the details) Her daughter is now 2 and has all types of developmental issues. They're testing her for mental retardation and she has cognition issues. (I just found this out 10 minutes ago) This makes me so terribly sad She is the cutest little girl. Here's the worst part. My friend is talking about having another child - and she still smokes!!! I told her she needs to quit smoking now, in case of an 'surprise' pregnancy (she mentioned the possibility of that happening - as an excuse to still be smoking and being preggo) and her response to me was 'I can't.'

Now I know I can't control her life, but it is so terribly hard for me to stand by and watch her do this, I feel I have to do SOMETHING to get her to realize what she's doing is WRONG! What would you do?

Re: I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

You're right, you cant MAKE her change anything, but can I just say that's majorly f**ked up!! I have never been a smoker but I have heard that breaking the addiction is comparable to heroin which I've also never experienced but know that it's very very hard to break. So I dont think it's easy but get some help already! I knew someone who smoked while preggo and I found it very hard to talk to her (shes out of state) which she was preggo. She is lucky (so far! Her daughter is 6mths and seems fine) but why someone wouldnt seek some kind of help is beyond me. Did you ever talk to your friend about the smoking before? If not I would start there. Maybe she'd be open to it and thank you for bringing it up and ask for your support but be prepared for a not so nice reply as well. The question is how involved do you want to get? I mean, do you know her husbands viewpoint? Her families? In terms of her smoking, are they all standing by and watching it happen? If everyone feels powerless, an intervention might be in order. If you decide to do that, I'd get some further information about it before approaching her. I'm sure your goal would not be to put her into a depression over her current child's situation but rather to help her som you would want to be sure you have some ideas of how to handle it.

Good luck! It's not an easy position b/c you know it's 'not your business' but if someone doesnt say or do anything, it's another child's life (or quality of life) potentially at risk.

HTH Please let us know what you decide to do.

Re: I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

maybe her dr. will talk her out of smoking for her and the baby's health

Re: I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

I was a smoker too...I quit for me, before I had to do it under pressure of a pregnancy. I know how hard it is, but it can be done. it just gets me more angry with her.

Re: I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

Are you close with her DH? Is he a smoker? I think he could have an influence on her if he is a smoker and they quit together. If he does not smoke, then I am sure he is very upset about her smoking during pregnancy. Maybe if you 2 talk to her separately (since it may seem like you are ganging up) it may sink in. Sounds like she is going through so much already with her first child. Hopefully that will be enough for her to at least try every method she can to stop.

Re: I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

Wow, I really dont know what to say. You arent going to change her mind about smoking. She should realize for the health of her child that she should quit but then again I have never smoked and wouldnt know how it is to quit. I just hope for the sake of the baby she may decide to have she reconsiders trying to quit.

Re: I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

Her DH did not smoke when they got married. He does now, because of her influence. It's terrible. When she gave birth, her doctor said your daughter may have XYZ problems BECAUSE YOU SMOKED!! No beating around the bush, just straight to it - this happened and its your fault! And she got depressed but she's still smoking. I think the general consensus among her family and friends is that there's nothing they can do. Believe me, she didn't smoke in front of me while she was preggo. I was too busy yelling at her for drinking Pepsi and coffee.

Thank you all for your advice. I think I just needed to vent. I also think I won't be able to stand by and watch her do this to another child. I just can't support that kind of abuse.

Re: I need advice from mommies...(sad story)

You would think that she would stop especially since she was warned by her dr. Unfortunately some people won't quit no matter what. She isn't even willing to try to quit?