DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

I am supposed to go to book our hall today and was just checking the boards for anything I must have in our contract. We are already getting a good deal - $55pp++ with 150 guarantee.

I peeked over at the newlywed board to check my post about hall contracts and realized everyone is depressed and in lots of debt from the wedding expenses.

I am now rethinking this whole wedding thing. Although I LOVE the idea of a wedding and having everyone we love in one place - I do not want to be in debt and stuck in an apartment for an extra year or two. I bought my coop years ago - before I even met FI - so that is not a problem but I know he wants a house soon. FI does not live with me but probably will once we start signing contracts since his rent can be used to pay off vendors. That is a totally different story - we will be living in sin. LOL LOL

Seriously though, from my estimates, we are talking about spending $20K - $25K for an 11:30 a.m. - 5 p.m. party. I do not want to elope although FI is totally fine with it but I also do not want to spend $20K - $25K for 5 1/2 hours.

How did you ladies (and gents) reconcile this?

And yes, I already considered that we will only get married once so we should have a beautiful wedding. FI parents were married for almost 30 years until his mom died and his family members are all for the most part still married after 20+ years. But going in to debt for a wedding is NOT appealing to me at all.

FI said he would elope and we had planned a Mexico destination wedding. Friends and family balked at the idea so we started planning for NY. But it's just so expensive and I really can't justify all this $$$$ except to say that I want a wedding. FI is totally on board with spending $20K too - he is absolutely great about it in fact. I wanted to stick at $10K - $15K since I was naive about NY weddings being from VA.

What do you all think? I am just not ready to commit to spending $20K - $25K....but I do not know that I will ever be able to commit to it either.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Well you have to do whats right for you and your future. Is this something you think you might look back on and regret that you didnt do down the road?

Also I am paying almost twice what you are paying per plate with the same min. and doing it for 25k so it can DEFINITLY be done for less then that! you are having a daytime wedding so that should make it easier to negotiate. I am using all great vendors also so it really can be done for less!

ETA - If it makes you feel better I think honestly EVERY bride has these same thoughts going through her head at LEAST once during the planning process. I know I have posted about it myself about a year ago.

Message edited 9/11/2004 12:34:32 PM.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

FH's coworker did a very small wedding with just their parents and 2 friends on a cruise. She really regrets not having had a "real" weddding (her words, not mine). Have you considered maybe having the wedding in VA? There are so many beautiful places in VA and you could probably get exactly the same thing as you would here (if not better) for 1/2 the price. This could also help with cutting down the guest list since some people might not want to travel. Just an idea. Good luck!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Perhaps reconsider the destination wedding - people will "balk" no matter what you do...
I think a getaway wedding with your closest family and friends is intimate, is a "real" wedding experience, and will cost you less - especially in mexico!

Whatever you do, go with your gut. If you know you will become depressed as a newlywed with that much debt hanging over your heads, then don't do the big shebang. I agree with the above poster, I think you can have a lovely wedding with all of your friends and family for 10-15K. It takes work, but it is possible!

I really wanted a "clambake/BBQ on the beach" wedding- fun, yummy, everyone has a blast, and cheap (er) !

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

I don't think you should base your decision to have the wedding of your dreams based on a handful of people complaining about debt. We budgeted, saved and planned for all of our wedding expenses as do a lot of other people on this message board that do not regret one cent that was spent on their wedding day.

There are ways to scale back the wedding you started to plan - less people, not as formal, etc.

You have to follow your heart it only matters that you are married at the end of the day.

Message edited 9/11/2004 1:04:58 PM.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Time for me to talk from my heart.

I understand how you are feeling. Sometiems I regret spending 17k and thats not alot for a wedding in New York. I still have not justified it in my head..DH is happy as a clam. I could hav elived with a destination wedding with a great photographer and videographer with a smaller guest list....hence next years "party"..we want to do it our way.

I admit that sometimes I get a tiny bit jealous of people who have the drop dead gorgeous celebrity type weddings but I then remind myself that that came at a cost I cannot pay. But our day makes me git pitter patter emotions just the same.

Our wedding day taught me a valuable lesson. I came on here everyday religiously and wanted a perfect day. And there were a few mishaps that made me feel like all my plans were shot to hell sometimes. Our Dj was late..really late..noticible mostly to me...We didnt get to do all the planned first dance like we wanted to (dont even remember what we danced to..even with my dad) I just remember dancing and having a good time. That is what I remember...having a good time and forgetting about the madness...I am just as excited about next year which will be smaller...so I learned my lesson through experience. It will not take 150 people to make a wedding special..

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

kd, weren;t you looking at russo's and fox hollow, etc? You were looking at all upscale places., i forget where you finally decded rto book, but there are places where it's even LESS $$ if that' what you're looking for. Don't forget to add in other expensises (flowers, favors, dj, etc) and remeber that you can cut down on them if you really love your hall. Also you can find a place or a date with a clower minimum and only invite close family. people will understnad if you say you can't afford to invite them, as long as you make it fair and make a clean cutoff on both sides about who to and not to invite. Good Luck!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Thanks ladies.

I plan to put off the appointment for today until FI and I can sit down and discuss my issues. My dad already said we should elope. LOL

I am not sure if FI is just going along with the $$$ because it's what I want or if he wants the wedding too. He wants a live band and he did enjoy visiting halls and he picked out the flowers he wants - tall & expensive centerpieces with votives. But all in all I think he wants me to be happy with that day - whether it's $5k or $50K (hopefully not that much!!!!).

At the end of the day I will still be married to the best guy on the planet!!!!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

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Posted by marymoon

kd, weren;t you looking at russo's and fox hollow, etc? You were looking at all upscale places., i forget where you finally decded rto book, but there are places where it's even LESS $$ if that' what you're looking for. Don't forget to add in other expensises (flowers, favors, dj, etc) and remeber that you can cut down on them if you really love your hall. Also you can find a place or a date with a clower minimum and only invite close family. people will understnad if you say you can't afford to invite them, as long as you make it fair and make a clean cutoff on both sides about who to and not to invite. Good Luck!

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Message edited 9/11/2004 1:22:05 PM.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

This is how halls get you. We see all the comercials etc and alot of the weddings highlighted on TV and magazines. They have the big ballroom etc. But from my expereince when visiting they showed us the big rooms first and then showed us the smaller rooms. I was tempted to pay for more people to get teh bigger room..many are awe inspiring..but I couldnt bear to pay the $$$ for it.

I love my DH and I know he loves me..he said whatever I want...BUt we ahve a daughter and sometiems I do feel guilty about spending teh $$$ but not every one is like that..Some people dream aout this day...I sorta but kinda DIDNT

Sometiems I look at peoples albums (not on here but personally) and some of the best weddings are the small weddings..The ones where the photographer was able to focus on them..and that stood out so much in my mind.

You have to do what you feel comfortable with..AT THIS MOMENT..there is no guarantee of no regrets...ALL brides have them. Even those who say they donot..sooner or later something pops up...dont regret doing you day...YOU WAY...BIG or SMALL!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

It can be done for less... maybe not with all the trimmings... but definitely beautiful and definitely for less.

Check out Stuart Thomas Manor which offers packages including flowers and stuff. I think Ariana Waterfalls also offers packages that even include photo & video.

First place to start though, is by cutting the list severly... if you can manage that, you can have a beautiful wedding for much less than $25k.

I also second the destination wedding... but also consider places like Myrtle Beach or Florida or Maine or Rhode Island... you don't necessarily have to leave the country to have a destination wedding.

Good luck!!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

you sound live a level headed & financial sound lady. I like that !!!

Some ideas that come to mind - what abt a small cermony & larger reception? this would save on wedding cost.

Also look over attached Budget page (fr Nadine) these vendors are very resonable.

I agree not having drowning debt after a wedding - some , but not alot.

budget page

All the best with yr plans !!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

KDRAINEY-

I am a Newlywed who has been married for almost a year now and I want to add a very different viewpoint to the mix.

We spent a very large amount of money on our wedding. If you include everything from the various wedding expenses, my gown and accessories and the honeymoon, I'm sure we spent over $100,000. During all the time we were planning and spending, various family members, especially my mom kept saying - don't you want to save this money for a down payment on a home, have a less expensive wedding and you will have to struggle less later on etc. etc. Even though I am talking about a much more "extravagant" wedding here, I think this makes my point even more helpful to you because we could have easily had a $50,000 beautiful wedding and saved the other half for a home. In the end, we chose not to but, I did worry a lot that after the wedding I would regret this. In fact, I second guessed every decision I made wondering if I should go with the less expensive option and save for a home.

Now I am working at a job that requires very long hours but pays a very good salary just so we can save for a house. Could we buy the house we dream of now or even next year? Absolutely not. Do we have to work harder now and spend less on vacations or ourselves than we would have if we had saved the wedding money? Absolutely. So we rent for now and save.

Anyway, after all that--here is my point: I do NOT REGRET my decision AT ALL. If I had to go back and do it over I would 100% do it again and spend every penny that I spent. Even if I could work less now and buy a home with the money I would never do it. My wedding day was EVERY single bit as I dreamed it would be. In fact, it was better than my dreams. Down to my placecards, which cost hundreds of dollars, I am happy that I spent every penny. All in all, my wedding day was the most beautiful day of my life, I will treasure the memory forever and never look back with any regrets. I consider the value of that day and every little detail to be priceless. I enjoyed so much all the planning that went into every detail and consider every penny well spent.

So, to conclude this long post, I want to say this - Had I known one year ago when I was planning my wedding how I would feel now after it was all over and all the money was spent, I would not have wasted one minute worrying about all the money I was spending and I would never second guess my decision to spend the money on the wedding and not a home. I wish I would have read a post like mine back then. I hope this helps

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Ok, I got married 2 years ago. Paid around that amount with honeymoon expense, but my parents paid for half and half of our honeymoon was a gift from his god parents. Currently we are still living in an apartment not because of the cost of the wedding, but because of the cost of living on Long Island. The Housing is just a bit out of reach for us. The money we paid for our wedding would not have made a diference where we live now. We still would not be able to make the monthly mortgage payments.

Maybe you can still have a wedding, but scale it donw to save money?

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Do what makes YOU happy. You can save on invitations by doing them yourself. Ditto for centerpieces. There are LOTS of photographers and videographers out there who are NOT on liweddings and will not charge nearly as much. The question is, what is important to you. Don't do anything just to impress others, because that is not important. My wedding was small (75 people) and no limos and no bridal party (another HUGE expense) but the food and venue were wonderful, and that's what really matters to me. I made my own invites, and everyone loved them.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Everyone is not depressed or in wedding debt on the newlywed board. I am one of them. We paid for the whole wedding ourselves. Not one penny of help! We paid for it at the time, we did not use a single credit card nothing. We had no credit card debt and we just bought a house, so nope that is not me.

However, it is very common after the wedding no matter how big or small, fancy or plain to go through a little bit of a depression because something you worked so hard on and thought about for some many years is now over and done. You have marked another milestone in your life and you are now a WIFE. Yes it is different even if you lived together before. There is something about it when you are introduced by your husband as his wife for the first time but still that little depression of not having the wedding to look forward to lingers.

Don't get me wrong I am ABSOLUTELY estatic that the planning and stress are over but it is sad that I will never be a 'bride' again!

So please do not think that everyone over there is depressed or unhappy that is not the case at all! People are stressed I think more about trying to make on Long Island with the RIDICULOUS house market the way it is!!! I happen to think that we have some great Newlyweds over there.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Thanks ladies.

We have decided to put a hold on all the wedding planning. FI was going along with it all to make me happy but he is really not the pay as you go type. He does not use credit cards at all - doesn't even have them anymore. He even paid cash for my ring although I was not comfortable with him walking around with all that cash - which I found out that he does all the time since he pays a lot of the workers in cash.

So, our plan is to now save for the wedding and pick a location once we have the money. That will hopefully ensure that we do not go over budget since it will all be cash. I called Jericho Terrace to cancel our appointment to book and Mike Closs is still sooooo great.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

all you would have to do is really move your wedding to a more off season time....I did my wedding at $53 pp before taxes, has 137 people, on a Sat from 11:30 am-5pm (including the ceremony). Do a search for nsgrahams' budget vendors, she did SO much research and it really paid off.....

I estimate my wedding was about $16,000...yes we borrowed from family, but they are patient about being paid back.

And honestly.....if YOU want a small destination wedding, DO IT...those that love you will be there. You could also do a small intimate NY wedding like Janshari did....several girls had 100 people or LESS.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

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Posted by btrflygrl

all you would have to do is really move your wedding to a more off season time....I did my wedding at $53 pp before taxes, has 137 people, on a Sat from 11:30 am-5pm (including the ceremony). Do a search for nsgrahams' budget vendors, she did SO much research and it really paid off.....

I estimate my wedding was about $16,000...yes we borrowed from family, but they are patient about being paid back.

And honestly.....if YOU want a small destination wedding, DO IT...those that love you will be there. You could also do a small intimate NY wedding like Janshari did....several girls had 100 people or LESS.

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Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

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Posted by JimmysBride

It can be done for less... maybe not with all the trimmings... but definitely beautiful and definitely for less.

Check out Stuart Thomas Manor which offers packages including flowers and stuff. I think Ariana Waterfalls also offers packages that even include photo & video.

First place to start though, is by cutting the list severly... if you can manage that, you can have a beautiful wedding for much less than $25k.

I also second the destination wedding... but also consider places like Myrtle Beach or Florida or Maine or Rhode Island... you don't necessarily have to leave the country to have a destination wedding.

Good luck!!

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Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

Just want to add that there are many newlyweds who are not depressed post wedding...we just dont all post in those threads out of respect for the feelings of the people that are. I know many people who were very pleased with how everything went and consider it money well spent.

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

I got one word for you .. CRAFTS!!!

Girl get your butt in gear and get your glue gun out.. There are sooo many things that can be done on your own . done tastefully and inexpensive.. Really do you think that a year after your wedding people will remember the pew bows you hung at your church? Or if you had two dozen roses vs. one in your centerpieces.. Just be creative, I mean you do want to feel good about what your displaying out there but it should not cost you your future savings.

Here are just a FEW items that you can easily make yourself and save %100 by making them yourself.

Pew Bows
Favors
Toss Bouquet
Place Cards
Menus

I mean the list goes on. The next time you go shop really look at what your buying and ask yourself if this is something you can make yourself FOR LESS. You of course dont want to take on more than you can handle cause a wedding is stressful itself but just be creative.
Best of Wishes to you...

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

ug, with a week away i am having the same feelings

with bad weather and canceling guests, my attitude is like thousands of dollars down the drain! for what, a few hours?

i hope my attitude does a 180 because i do NOT want to be grouchy come the big day!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

I am one of the brides who complained about money...but it's not because of the money we spent on the wedding. We paid for the wedding all ourselves- every stitch of it. We used cash for it all- none of it went on the credit cards.

I do not regret spending any of the money we did. We had a wonderful day- better than i could have imagined.

Could we have saved the money for a down payment? Sure. But, we gave it a lot of thought, and decided that this is a once in a lifetime thing, and we wanted to do what we wanted. The medium sized wedding, with our closest friends and family, at the hall we wanted.

I know our only gripe now is that it is so expensive to live here on LI. The housing prices are astronomical. Going out on our own (we both still lived at home before the wedding) has been tough, and something we have to get used to.

BUT, like I said, I wouldn't change a thing about it. You have to do what's right for you!

Re: DEPRESSED BY NEWLYWED BOARD & rethinking wedding plans

I also have to say that I do not regret at all the money we spent on the wedding. We are not in debt at all because of the wedding - we paid for everything in cash.

We're another couple where the housing on LI is just out of our reach right now. Especially with my Dh in grad school right now, it was better for us to continue renting than to buy a house. We do not want to be house poor, so we continue to save for a decent downpayment.