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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and have become very friendly with my boss. He's flirtacious at times, but he's like that with everyone, so I always laugh it off. Anyway, he's married with an 18 month old daughter and he's having marital problems. Last night, his bosses were in town and they were SCREAMING at him all day to the point that I really thought he was going to break. He sees me in the hall and I say, "You look like you could use a good drink after work today." And he's like, "Yeah, I do actually." Then I go into the office and he has written on a post-it, "Drinks after work? Please?" So I say, "Of course!" and ask the guy sitting next to me if he'd be into happy hour. (This is one of the things I really miss about working in the city so I was psyched.) The guy said OK but then my boss heard that I invited him and said he wouldn't be getting out til 6. So I said, "If you're really not gonna get out of here til 6, then I'll probably bail and maybe we can do it tomorrow." And he's like, "Nah, I'll get out at 5." (Ok  ) So I start feeling weird and he's like BEGGING me for the rest of the day (Please don't bail on me, I really need to get out..) so I went. I told him to call his wife and he said, "I told her I was working late, it's all good." And I"m like, "Why? You have nothing to hide...." And he's like, "it's fine. i don't have to tell her anything." So he didn't put the moves on me or anything, but then he was obsessing over, "If you don't want me here anymore, just tell me. I don't have to be home." Drink #2 comes around and I stand up to go. He comes into work today, tells me he ran inside and drank a captain and coke so that if he smelled like alcohol his wife wouldn't question him, and proceeded to lie to everyone at work "I just went straight home last night" telling me he doesn't want anyone at work to get the wrong idea. Well, today at about 12 he starts with, "Where are we going tonight?" And I tell him I have to go shopping. He begs, "Just one drink?" No. "Come on" No. "Fine, then can I go shopping with you?" I'm like, "You really want to go shopping for my husband's sister's stuff?" "Yes, I just don't want to go home, it sounds like fun." "Tell your wife." "No." He comes shopping with me (in two different cars mind you) and is completely flirtacious with me the whole night. Am I being so naive by thinking this guy really wants to be 'just my friend?"
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Posted 10/8/04 7:50 PM 
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Sweetie2004
Strong, Sensual, Scandalous
Member since 3/03 1203 total posts
Wedding Date:
6/25/2004 3:00 PM
Wed. Location:
North Ritz Club
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
sounds like trouble - and he sounds like this may not be his first time playing this game. Watch out for him.
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Posted 10/8/04 7:54 PM
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MuchInLuvMichi
It's An Obsession
Member since 1/04 3320 total posts
Wedding Date:
1/1/2010 5:00 AM
Wed. Location:
Unknown
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
he is def. up to know good..hes lying to his wife, making up lies at work...i would stop this b4 it starts..even tho ur being honest just by hanging out with him leads him to believe that "possibly" u r into it too.. i just think u dont need the trouble especially at a new job or in ur relationship if he pushes the issue anymore. goodluck!
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Posted 10/8/04 7:57 PM
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marymoon
Someday Bride
Member since 2/04 12229 total posts
Wedding Date:
12/31/2013 7:30 PM
Wed. Location:
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Even if he's not trying to start an affair with you( which it sounds like he is), it's defintiely NOT a situation you want to be in,WHat f his wife finds out he's been going out for drinks, etc with you? Even if it IS innocent, you KNOW she won't think that because he lied to her, and then it'll cause problems with his wife, and then THAT will cause problmes for you at your job, and you don't know what other people think. if he's saying this syuff out loud or writing post its where other people may see them, they would defintiely get the wrong idea. I know *i* would. I don't think it's a good idea. Maybe you could tell him that you don't mind spending time with him, but you feel uncomfortable with him not telling his wife about it, maybe even adding that if she did find out, she would think things about you, and that you just don't have the time to spend with him every night. Don't tell him where you're going, unless you have prior plans to be together. just tell him you have to get home to cook dinner for DH or something. With him begging you to go for drinks with him, the shole situation just seems REALLY shady and you're trying to be nice to him,, I'd probably do the same, but I think you've already let it go too far, especially since you say no, and he begs, comes shopping with you (my FH is not the jealous type, but he would definitely wonder about that), says "PLEASE" and especially, won't tell his wife. Even if TELLS you he's not trying to hit on you, he's obviously full of ****."I don't want to go home." Do you really want to be part of what keeps this man from his wife and child? it isn't your fault, but I wouldn't want to be a party to that, you know? I know you to be an intelligent, clear headed person, so you've got to know this is really getting to the wrong/creepy side. You're trying to be nice, but DON'T. Look if you and your hubby were having problems and he was going for drinks and tlaking to somone else, when he should be with you working it out, you'd probably HATE her, evenif you KNEW ther was no affair.
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Posted 10/8/04 7:57 PM
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Ughhhh, I SO know this kind! I had a couple of them at my old job. He is up to no good and unless you WANT it to go further, you have to put the breaks on ASAP.
Good luck
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Posted 10/8/04 8:05 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
I know. I've been known to be naive like this before. DH works nights and he knows this, so I can't use the, "Have to go home to cook dinner for him" excuse, but I get your point. I told him SEVERAL times that I feel uncomfortable with the fact that he's hiding me from his wife, and that I shouldn't have to be afraid to be out with him in public, or have her come after me, for something that is innocent. I just feel so bad for him bc he is so miserable and work, and then he comes home to misery, and has nobody to vent to. I'm the first person that really listens to him and he loves the fact that since he's met me, he's actually laughing again. He said even if it's for an hour, it's an hour less of his pain, and it's worth it to him. I know he's attracted to me though, so all of these things mixed together makes me really uncomfortable with the situation. It's like, "trust your insticts" but then you feel like the devil when all someone wants to do is go shopping with you.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:09 PM
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marymoon
Someday Bride
Member since 2/04 12229 total posts
Wedding Date:
12/31/2013 7:30 PM
Wed. Location:
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
WHat you just said, is like a classic warning sign. That's how AFFAIRS start. "She the only one I cna talk to. She amkes me laugh" etc. I'm not saying you'd ever go along with something that that, but that's the direction this is going in.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:11 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
He tells me all the time how he loves his baby so much though, and he knows how much I love DH, so I've been thinking (perhaps naively) that he really is in desperate need of friendship/company.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:12 PM
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
I know it's hard, but you know what-if he is that miserable at home he should get out of the relationship before he starts something new.
Things happen, people change and can fall out of love, but cheating or finding companionship out of the marriage isn't the answer.
If you can't be upfront with him, maybe you can make up excuses for awhile until he gets the hint "Sorry, I'm going to my moms for dinner"..."Going to my friends to help her with something"..."going to the gym", whatever.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:14 PM
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marymoon
Someday Bride
Member since 2/04 12229 total posts
Wedding Date:
12/31/2013 7:30 PM
Wed. Location:
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
It's possible, but even if he just wants a frined, if he's keeping it from his wife, and acting so clingy it's not a situation you want to be in.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:14 PM
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Posted by matron
He tells me all the time how he loves his baby so much though, and he knows how much I love DH, so I've been thinking (perhaps naively) that he really is in desperate need of friendship/company.
And you know he could also be thinking "If she were REALLY that happy with her husband, she wouldnt be having drinks with me". He could totally be taking it the wrong way.
Message edited 10/8/2004 8:16:22 PM.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:16 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
I guess you're right. This is upsetting me so much. This happens to me all the time. I think I find a 'best friend' in a male and they all f'ing do this. It sucks bc I bond better with males than females for the most part, and in the end, they all let me down. I thought he was different. I guess I should just not ever become friends with a guy again. so depressing. Even the other guy was making remarks to me today.  I think I'm going to quit.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:16 PM
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swags1016
So in love
Member since 3/03 12235 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/26/2003 12:30 PM
Wed. Location:
East Wind- The Estate- A+
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Please be careful. I don't like the position he is putting you in.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:18 PM
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Well dont blame yourself, and don't quit your job because of this. SOmetimes it stinks because you just think you're being nice, but it's not always taken so innocently. You can get out of this without quitting, though.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:19 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around
Posted by matron
He tells me all the time how he loves his baby so much though, and he knows how much I love DH, so I've been thinking (perhaps naively) that he really is in desperate need of friendship/company.
And you know he could also be thinking "If she were REALLY that happy with her husband, she wouldnt be having drinks with me". He could totally be taking it the wrong way.
He knows DH works nights and that I'm bored at home all the time, so I know he's not thinking that I'm choosing him over DH. Although today I saw something in the store that reminded me of DH and said something like, "Oh, I love DH so much." And he got all defensive and was like, "I didn't say that you didn't. I know you do." Forget it. Thanks for your opinions guys. 
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Posted 10/8/04 8:20 PM
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marymoon
Someday Bride
Member since 2/04 12229 total posts
Wedding Date:
12/31/2013 7:30 PM
Wed. Location:
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
I don;t think it's about friendships wth guys,(I bond much easier with men as well), but it's about VULNERABLE men. I've learned to even keep my distance fomr frineds when they're on the outs with their gf's because I don't want to have any problems. You cna bond with a man, but he has to be happily married as well, or single and not in love with you 
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Posted 10/8/04 8:21 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Posted by The Original 2nd-time-around
Well dont blame yourself, and don't quit your job because of this. SOmetimes it stinks because you just think you're being nice, but it's not always taken so innocently. You can get out of this without quitting, though.
Whatever, it's just a temp job. It just sux bc I have so much fun there. He offered me a sick salary to stay FT but it's not in my field, so i turned the offer down. Probably part of his plot. I'm so f'ing dumb.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:21 PM
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Don't totally stress yourself over this. It'll work out.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:22 PM
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goingtobemrs
"I'm Addicted"
Member since 5/04 1603 total posts
Wedding Date:
5/6/2005 2:30 PM
Wed. Location:
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Does your DH know you about any of this?
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Posted 10/8/04 8:22 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Thanks. I just hope it's not awkward at work now. The last thing I need is his wife coming after me too. This just sux. Your feedback is not what I was hoping to hear, but what I anticipated.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:23 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Posted by tp329
Does your DH know you about any of this?
Of course. DH knows everything. He feels bad for the guy (reminds him of his BF) but thinks on Monday that I should go home regardless of how much he asks me out bc he's making me uncomfortable. He said that if I was in the wife's shoes, I'd be PISSED, and I would be! He trusts me though, and was so happy that I found a job that I had fun at and made friends at. Oh well. 
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Posted 10/8/04 8:25 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
DH actually met me at work for lunch the other day and I pointed my boss out to him. My boss was upset I didn't introduce them.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:26 PM
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marymoon
Someday Bride
Member since 2/04 12229 total posts
Wedding Date:
12/31/2013 7:30 PM
Wed. Location:
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Posted by matron
DH actually met me at work for lunch the other day and I pointed my boss out to him. My boss was upset I didn't introduce them.
That doens't amke the guy innocent.
You remind me of me. I always try to think the best of people and be there for them, and I swear I could see myself in the same situation, but I think you need to cut down contact with this guy. Once in awhile is ok, but you have to ask yourself if you're with him more than you would be with any other normal co-worker. He seems to dependent. And he got u[set about inviting that otehr guy..sooo...You know the answer.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:30 PM
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matron
Wiggles and Rascal
Member since 3/04 2002 total posts
Wedding Date:
7/7/2002 2:00 PM
Wed. Location:
Vineyard Caterers
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
I guess you're all right. My sister is married with 2 kids at home and her DH works two jobs. I told her the story and she lectured me for 2 hours about how stupid I was. I figured I'd come on here to see if I got the same response (bc I thought she was blowing it out of proportion) but I guess she wasn't. Monday is going to be weird.
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Posted 10/8/04 8:34 PM
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Re: Sticky Situation ... Opinions Wanted!
Posted by marymoon
Posted by matron
DH actually met me at work for lunch the other day and I pointed my boss out to him. My boss was upset I didn't introduce them.
That doens't amke the guy innocent.
You remind me of me. I always try to think the best of people and be there for them, and I swear I could see myself in the same situation, but I think you need to cut down contact with this guy. Once in awhile is ok, but you have to ask yourself if you're with him more than you would be with any other normal co-worker. He seems to dependent. And he got u[set about inviting that otehr guy..sooo...You know the answer.
You remind me of me too! I guess all 3 of us should have "SUCKA" stamped on our heads
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Posted 10/8/04 8:34 PM
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