Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

Lets go back.....

To a few months ago when I had written a post about a good friend of mine that I have known for years that I would have loved to ask to be in my BP. She lives in Pennsylvania, so we dont see each other that often Well I finally asked. She wrote me an e-mail...

Hey Janie, Im am soo honored that you would like me to be apart of your wedding. I dont know how well my being in PA would be of a help to you for the preparations and all. I hope you dont take it personal if I said I need some time. Im always a people pleaser and I want to be there for you cause we have been good friends since 2nd grade, but I also want to consult with my life partner as well. SO I am very honored and appreciate the sweet honest words but please understand my concerns and hold that thought. Pleeeease! =(.

----------------------------------------

She has to consult her fioncee?? This is how I feel: We have been friends since the 2nd grade. We have been through life long before her FH came into her life.. She cant make a decision to be in my BP without consulting HIM?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

This is what I wrote back:

Well if you need time.. that's fine with me. Im assuming that your need to consult with your fioncee first... that's fine. Just let me know. Here is how I feel..... I wouldn't let the fact that you live in PA come between our friendship. We have known each other for years. We have been friends long before boyfriends.. jr high, high school..jobs..moves.. you name it.!!!!

If you living in PA cant come between us... What can? That's the question =)

Hows that for some food for thought???

Luv ya,
Janie


Why is it that I have to feel like Im pulling teeth to ask someone to be in my bridal party?

***********************UPDATE**************

So its exactly 2 weeks later and she FINALLY got back to me with an e-mail




This is what she wrote:

I wanted to talk to you about the wedding becasue I am very uncomfortable about what to do..
See I am very grateful that you are considering me to be in your wedding party. However, It becomes difficult when I live so far away and there are rehearsals and other events that happen. that are a big responsibility. I am also a little uncomfortable with being a partner with someone the whole night. My fioncee will have a problem with me partnering up with another man for the entire day. I love you to death and I dont want to dissapoint you by not being available for these things... But Please let me know what you think because I didnt know what to do. For the very same reasons I didnt participate in my cousins bridal party. You know that I would do what I had too for you. But I want you to know the truth before hand...

I love you and hope you write back.


*****************************

This in my opinion is out of control.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

HMMMMMMMM---When is she getting married, maybe $$ is an issue?

I don't think you could have answered her any better.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

I would consider it an honor but some people don't view it that way I guess. I asked my sister, but she already knew she would be my MOH. I asked my friend that I've know since 3rd grade and she was so pshyced. I asked my friend that I've know since college and she was wasn't sure becuase she had been a BM 3 times and it's bad luck. She eventually decided she wanted to be in my BP. Some people just think about it differently I guess. I'm sure she'll decide to be a part of your day and if she says no, then you are better off I guess. No, you shouldn't have to pull teeth. We have enough to worry about.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

yeah - don't take it to personal. it probably has something to do with money. that is my guess.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

My guess is that it's a money thing as well.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

Well Ive come to the conclusion:


You know who your friends are in situations like this.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

---

Posted by SIBride06

Well Ive come to the conclusion:


You know who your friends are in situations like this.

---

I agree. I think most of the time we dont actually need people to 'physically' help us, but rather support us and help us in the decisions that need to be made (at least thats what I expect from my BMs). If my friend whom I have been friends with since 2nd grade asked me to be in her bridal party and I lived in PA, I would try my best to scramble up some dough for the dress. Everything else is just a matter of wanting to be there for the person and being involved in the planning of their special day.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

---

Posted by SIBride06

Well Ive come to the conclusion:


You know who your friends are in situations like this.

---

I agree, not to mention maybe she's jealous that your getting married as weel. Some people act like that you know , like their the only one who should be getting attention, as if no one else can be married. ( I know b/c I have a friend like thatwho by the way is not getting married, she just likes to be a hater)
But I wouldn't let it bother me

Re: What the hell?? Long.

This is JMO, but I think that you should consider yourself very lucky that she is taking the time to think about it and discuss with her SO. After reading all the horror stories on LIW about brides asking girls to step down, I think if your friend does say yes, you will not be one of those brides.

This is not to say I don't understand how you feel about your friendship having started long before this person came into her life (and possibly continuing after that person leaves), and wondering why she has to ask, but look at it this way . . . once you are married, how many things will you want to discuss with your hubby before making a decision? The fact that she is showing her partner this kind of consideration, to me, shows that she is committed to her relationship, the way you are committed to yours, and will not feel good about short-changing either you or her SO.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

Just curious, but are you sure she's engaged to a guy? I can't think of any straight folks who've ever referred to their SO's as a life partner but I've certainly heard it from the rainbow crowd... Don't know that this helps but thought I'd ask...

Re: What the hell?? Long.

No shes straight...lol I have no idea why she called him that. as for asking him before making her decision, i think thats total BS!! I have been friends with this girl long before her fioncee ever came into the picture. I know her very well, and I know for sure that the only reason why she would say no is not because she lives in PA, but because her FH would say 'NO'. I think its horrible.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

---

Posted by SIBride06

No shes straight...lol I have no idea why she called him that. as for asking him before making her decision, i think thats total BS!! I have been friends with this girl long before her fioncee ever came into the picture. I know her very well, and I know for sure that the only reason why she would say no is not because she lives in PA, but because her FH would say 'NO'. I think its horrible.

---

Well, if she's really letting her FI make the decision, that's pretty lame. Maybe she's got a lot of stuff going on and thinks that by laying the blame for saying no on the FI, that you won't take it so hard?

Re: What the hell?? Long.

---

Posted by mccarm


Well, if she's really letting her FI make the decision, that's pretty lame. Maybe she's got a lot of stuff going on and thinks that by laying the blame for saying no on the FI, that you won't take it so hard?

---

Perhaps. I would never do that, but thats just me.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

---

Posted by SexyEsq

This is JMO, but I think that you should consider yourself very lucky that she is taking the time to think about it and discuss with her SO. After reading all the horror stories on LIW about brides asking girls to step down, I think if your friend does say yes, you will not be one of those brides.

This is not to say I don't understand how you feel about your friendship having started long before this person came into her life (and possibly continuing after that person leaves), and wondering why she has to ask, but look at it this way . . . once you are married, how many things will you want to discuss with your hubby before making a decision? The fact that she is showing her partner this kind of consideration, to me, shows that she is committed to her relationship, the way you are committed to yours, and will not feel good about short-changing either you or her SO.

---

I agree too Janie. especially if she is getting married, money is definitely an issue that needs to be discussed before she can commit to spending it. that is the one thing I can think of that would give me pause and make me want to discuss it with my fh first...your talking about at least $1,000 here, and I would WANT to talk to him about it....after all her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you.

it is to her credit that she is not just jumping and saying yes to only possibly disappoint you in the end.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

wow, thats a little nutty. I don't think you could have responded any better. That is definately strange that she has to consult her 'life partner' about being in your bp. Don't let it get you down though. Maybe it is a money situation.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

Okay, I just don't understand people sometimes. When did being a bridesmaid become an ordinary thing? I thought it was totally an honor. I would be so psyched if someone ever asked me to be a bridesmaid and I wouldn't have to think about whether I could be or not...I would say yes right on the spot. I'm sorry that your friend reacted this way. I think it's an awful way to answer someone who just asked you to be a bridesmaid in their wedding.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

yea sounds like money . sexyesq had a good point saying that you are better off having her accept/regret now instead of dropping out.

i wouldmt stress over it. your response was good

(however even if i WAS asking my fh about me being in the bridal party, i dont think id admit it!)

Re: What the hell?? Long.

---

Posted by glinda_goodwitch

Okay, I just don't understand people sometimes. When did being a bridesmaid become an ordinary thing? I thought it was totally an honor. I would be so psyched if someone ever asked me to be a bridesmaid and I wouldn't have to think about whether I could be or not...I would say yes right on the spot. I'm sorry that your friend reacted this way. I think it's an awful way to answer someone who just asked you to be a bridesmaid in their wedding.

---

Yes.. I agree. I'll be honest with you all, I doubt its the money thing.. I know her very well.. She would have been straight forward with me if that was the reason.. Oh well.

I told my FH and hes a little upset about the situation as well. he has a feeling that its a control thing with her FH. She denyed her cousins request to for her to be a BM in her wedding because her Fh couldnt stomach the site of her walking down the asile with another man. (These were the exact words out of her mouth.. I couldnt make this stuff up!!) If its a money thing, I would understand.. and she knows I would understand. Theres more to this story.. I know it.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

one word comes to mind = odd. i mean, if she's getting married and it's a money issue, why wouldn't she just say that? she's so vague in her message as to what her real issue is and why she needs to check with fi. i know it ***** if she decides not to do it, but at least you're finding out now as opposed to later, ya know?

i'm sorry.

keep us posted on her response.

Re: What the hell?? Long.

I really don't think she meant anything personal by that. It's not so much that she has to 'ask permission' from her life partner to 'allow' her to be in your BP, I think it's more that this may be a financial strain for her/them and she wants to make sure she can swing this before committing to you.

Remember, in PA they don't make the kind of $$ we do here in NY; it's a big undertaking to get together the moolah for the inflated prices here when you're not used to it. Take it as a compliment that she's seriously thinking about it and not just jumping into a rushed 'yes', bc so many girls do that and then end up not really wanting to be apart of it and it ends up stressing the bride out at an even worse time.