Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

first

i never heard something so crazy before. i've been in 2 weddings...one was my sister and the other was a friend. my dh(then fh) would watch me walk down the aisle and think of our day the day u doesn't have a partner to walk down the aisle. has anyone talked to her about this. i hope it doesnt' ruin your friendship

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

I'm sorry, but its not about money!! Its about the guy having control issues. He's a bit too obsessive. If you ask me, he sounds dangerous (could be abusive).

And yes i would take it personally!

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

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Posted by Preshy7

honestly, i am scared for you friend.

i think her fiancee has MAJOR issues (if what she is saying is true) im not kidding. that sounds like a very scary relationship

the fact that he has that much control over her??? i am scared for her. what the F kind of guy is this?????

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I happen to agree. This sounds like an abusive relationship. Also, it sounds like if she were a bridesmaid and he were just a guest and felt jealous-he may make a scene and she is trying not to have that happen. Also, she is a people pleaser and wants to please him since he is her fiancee and apparently is a little frightened of him. More so than you!

My cousin was married to a guy just like this. She ended up leaving the guy with 3 kids and he got custody! He was really cunning and knew the law. It's like he knew it was coming.

This is dangerous for her. I know we don't know the whole story, but it doesn't sound good. Focus on getting to the bottom of it first before you judge her for being wishy washy about being a bridesmaid. She wasn't for her cousin.

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

This guy has serious control issues, and if your friend thinks this is ok, she needs to think again. I have never been to a wedding where the people in the bridal party are 'paired up' the entire night. You walk down the aisle, you walk up the aisle, and maybe you dance one dance together. Thats it. If he thinks this is a sign of infidelity then he is crazy, and from what you have said, it sounds like he is. I don't know if you have done this, but I would have a heart-to-heart talk with your friend about what is going on here. It sounds to me like she feels terrible about letting you down, but is afraid to do something contrary what her fiancee tells her to do. I was in a relationship like this once, where he was jealous of everyone and everything. If I told him I thought a celebrity was hot, he pretty much acted like I was cheating on him. If I told him I thought another woman was pretty, he accused be of being a lesbian. I would be very concerned for your friend, and I am sorry for her, and also sorry you have to go through this.

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

Like others said, I also agree that her man is the one that has the real issue with this. It sounds like she would like to do this, but knows he won't approve and she is just making other excuses (the travel, the $) for him.

In a situation like this, there is not much you can do. If she loves him and their relationship and she is willing to lose everything and miss out on opportunities in life, then there is nothing you can do just be there for her when the time comes. Trust me, I have a friend like this and although I have told her I feel she is in an abusive relationship and someone shouldn't treat her this way, she won't listen... and I have learned that there is nothing more I can do or say until the time comes where she wakes up.

In the meantime, I would explain to her the duties of being a bridesmaid and that you don't have a partner for the whole day. And see where the discussion leads to. I know that's not much help....

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

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Posted by SIBride06


***********************UPDATE**************

So its exactly 2 weeks later and she FINALLY got back to me with an e-mail




This is what she wrote:

I wanted to talk to you about the wedding becasue I am very uncomfortable about what to do..
See I am very grateful that you are considering me to be in your wedding party. However, It becomes difficult when I live so far away and there are rehearsals and other events that happen. that are a big responsibility. I am also a little uncomfortable with being a partner with someone the whole night. My fioncee will have a problem with me partnering up with another man for the entire day. I love you to death and I dont want to dissapoint you by not being available for these things... But Please let me know what you think because I didnt know what to do. For the very same reasons I didnt participate in my cousins bridal party. You know that I would do what I had too for you. But I want you to know the truth before hand...

I love you and hope you write back.


*****************************

This in my opinion is out of control.

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wow Janie...well, since she loves you and wants to be honest with YOU, be equally honest and tell her that NO ONE should be that insecure and jealous with her. I cannot even believe that someone would come out and SAY that....like it's something normal and should be understood

her man is a controlling manipulative person....all great qualities in a life mate.

tell her you understand and be done with it. she needs a lot more guidance with bigger things in life.

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

This in my opinion is out of control.

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wow Janie...well, since she loves you and wants to be honest with YOU, be equally honest and tell her that NO ONE should be that insecure and jealous with her. I cannot even believe that someone would come out and SAY that....like it's something normal and should be understood

her man is a controlling manipulative person....all great qualities in a life mate.

tell her you understand and be done with it. she needs a lot more guidance with bigger things in life.

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I totally agree. You need to talk with her. Not about your wedding anymore, but as a friend concerned for her well being. My sister began in this type of situtation and it then became physically abusive. Do you have any other mutual friends? Does anyone else know her and see this happening?

2 months after our wedding we have two friends getting married on the same day, in separate states. My FH is going to his friend's and I'm going to my friend's wedding. Oh no! We will be paired up with other people for the ENTIRE day! Oh, the horror! Maybe I should hire a private investigator to follow him.

Seriously, this should no longer be an issue about your wedding. This is an issue about the safety of your friend. Invite her to your wedding. She is going through a rough time, even if she doesn't realize it. And for friends to cut you off when you are going through your darkest time is tough.

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

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Posted by glinda_goodwitch

Yeah, now that you explained the story about her not being a BM in her cousin's wedding, it sounds like her FH has control issues and she feels like she has to check in with him for everything. She might be in a cycle that she can't break, which is sad.

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I agree with this- I don't think it's money- I think it's about him controling her

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

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Posted by waterspout4



This in my opinion is out of control.

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wow Janie...well, since she loves you and wants to be honest with YOU, be equally honest and tell her that NO ONE should be that insecure and jealous with her. I cannot even believe that someone would come out and SAY that....like it's something normal and should be understood

her man is a controlling manipulative person....all great qualities in a life mate.

tell her you understand and be done with it. she needs a lot more guidance with bigger things in life.

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I totally agree. You need to talk with her. Not about your wedding anymore, but as a friend concerned for her well being. My sister began in this type of situtation and it then became physically abusive. Do you have any other mutual friends? Does anyone else know her and see this happening?

2 months after our wedding we have two friends getting married on the same day, in separate states. My FH is going to his friend's and I'm going to my friend's wedding. Oh no! We will be paired up with other people for the ENTIRE day! Oh, the horror! Maybe I should hire a private investigator to follow him.

Seriously, this should no longer be an issue about your wedding. This is an issue about the safety of your friend. Invite her to your wedding. She is going through a rough time, even if she doesn't realize it. And for friends to cut you off when you are going through your darkest time is tough.

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I totally agree with you. Of course the wedding is important but abuse is so much more of importance you can actually lose someone through abuse. This is not the time to neglect her because of she not being in the wedding. I would say focus more on the situation with the friend and try to reach out to her.

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

yikes.. i don't even know what to say!!!!

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

Omg Janie, I'm so sorry both for you and for her. She's def making excuses to hide the real reason. There are plenty of OOT BMs and everything still works out!! There's one rehearsal the night before, so she'd have to be here anyway. And as for your shower and b-party, well come out for those too. It's friggin PA, we're talking about another state not too far away, not another country, she's not crossing an ocean to get here. But that's not even the real issue.

What does she mean 'paired up with someone all night'??? What kind of weddings has she been to?? You walk back and forth with the guy and MAYBE 1 dance!!! It's not like she has to spend the whole time with the guy. It's obvious that her FI has too much control of her life (he needs help) and she has issues for letting him take control so she needs help too. I know it hurts, it would piss me off too, but you need to be there for her in this difficult time. Be a true friend so that when her relationship ends (bc it will) she'll still have a friend to turn to. Be the bigger person!!

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

i really cannot get past the whole 'don't want to be paired up w/someone all night.' what the hell is that all about? all you do is walk down the aisle together at church, walk out at the reception, maybe the 1st dance. other then that....i think she is really grasping at straws looking for excuses not to be in your wedding. i think you are better off w/o her and her jealous 'life partner'

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

I'm guessing it's something to do with money. The only comment she made that doesn't sit right with me is about her fiance having a problem with her partnering up with another person the whole day. Are you sitting your bridal party all together without their dates or are you having them sit with them? The comment just made no sense to me. Either way, I wouldn't take it personally. If she feels she has to come up with excuses to not be in your wedding, then I'd question her commitment to your friendship. JMHO. Whatever happens, don't let ANYONE get you down.

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

Thanks ladies...

Re: Bridesmaid issue. UPDATED-she FINALLY got back to me...

partnered up for the whole day??? is she for real? not sure what weddings she has attended. it really is limited to escort down the aisle at the church, entrance in to the reception, and not even required to do the first dance... must ushers have GF or Wives and do not expect to dance with BM

Is her fiancee so possessive?

not sure what I would do. But think this is a situation that may be better handled over the phone, people type anything but when faced with direct contact, their tune changes!!!! I would love to see if she would tell you this load of crap on the phone or in person.