Wedding Forums > For Newlyweds Only > Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
sophisticat13
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:09 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:09 AM
Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
I am really confused and not sure what to think...please help :(When I met my now DH, he had owned a house for 9 years and I owned a co-op for 7. After we got married I moved into his house and I am currently renting my co-op to my sister for a year, which I plan to sell next summer. DH and I have already discussed how the proceeds from the sale of my co-op will be used (partially used to upgrade 'our' house; partial investment; and partial nice vacation
). My dilemma is that he does not want to put my name on his deed (I have no problem putting his name on mine). He says he plans to, but doesn't want to right now because of what he went through before with his ex-wife. In his previous relationship w/his ex-wife, she controlled all the money and he almost lost the house when they went through their divorce. WhIie I understand he is wary, I do not feel right about planning to sell my co-op and using the proceeds for 'us' while he refuses to put my name on the deed of 'his' house. I thought marriage was a shared venture, not a 'you have, I have' agreement. He is not even agreeing about putting my name on the deed when the co-op is sold, even though the proceeds will be put towards us and our future. He says he understands how I feel and in all other ways he is a wonderful husband, but I am very upset over this issue, and i don't know how to handle it. I feel as if I am being 'punished' for what his ex-wife put him through, and it isn't fair. Thanks for listening....Any comments/ thoughts/advice is very much appreciated...thank you!!!!!!!!
Cpt2007
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:17 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:17 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
I can see how you would feel hurt. I would be too. Personally, I would not use a single cent towards the house from your coop if he refuses to put you on the deed. Put it in a retirement fund instead so that the money is just waiting and growing for your future. That way, no matter what happens, it can be used and saved. You can list him as a beneficiary if you wish, but I'd keep it in your name only.GL!
Butterfly123
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:19 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:19 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
This would honestly make me very upset. The fact that he is using what his ex-wife put him through as an excuse is troubling also just because it seems like he doesnt want to put your name on the deed 'JUST IN CASE' the marriage doesnt work. He shouldnt act that way. And lets be serious, the money from your condo is YOURS and you should tell him unless he puts your name on the deed youre not putting any money into that house. im sorry but he is being ridiculous in my eyes and he really needs to compromise. If he was really worried about his belongings maybe he should have looked into a prenup before you guys got married.
bluegreen08
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:32 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:32 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
i would be very upset, and would not use a cent from the sale of the co-op for anything mutual until he does. put it in an account for you.i hate the 'mine' 'yours' mentality and am really excited about finally having joint accounts and everything being 'ours' even though i'm the one coming into our relationship with more, but except for our cars (which we already had) everything will be in both of our names.
i dont know... that bothers me
bonitachyc
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 06:47 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 06:47 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
ita agree with the girls...its wrong of him to not put your name on the deed. fair is fair and if YOUR money will be used to invest in HIS house, then you need to be on that deed. since this won't happen til next summer, you & him still have some talking to do, but quite honestly his reasoning is ridiculous. if he really doesn't change his mind, don't invest the money in the house. you're just being financially smart, not vengeful 
Vivi1006
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:16 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:16 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Posted by bonitachyc
ita agree with the girls...its wrong of him to not put your name on the deed. fair is fair and if YOUR money will be used to invest in HIS house, then you need to be on that deed. since this won't happen til next summer, you & him still have some talking to do, but quite honestly his reasoning is ridiculous.
I agree as well. IF you decide not to use the proceeds of the sale of your condo to update the house, he should understand why if he expects you to understand why he does not want to put your name in the deed. It does not have to be a confrontation but if he does not feel comfortable making whats his 'ours' then why should you. As Lupe says, there is still time to talk and get to an agreement and if you say that he is a good husband I'm sure you guys will find a solution that is fair to both sides.
HamptonsBride
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:43 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:43 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
i think that if he was that concerned about you 'taking' his house from him in case things didn't work out...then he should've had you sign a pre-nup.I co-own our house with family members and DH's name is not on the deed...he told me he will not put any large amounts of money into improving our house unless he was added...or we bought out my family which i completely understand. I would tell your DH that you don't feel right taking such a large amount of your investment and putting it into something you have no legal claim to. Hope it all works out!
nifheim
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:52 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:52 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
dh and i do everything separate until otherwise noted, the only thing we have joined is our savings account for our house. If dh had a house prior to marriage I wouldn't ask him to be put on the deed unless I would contribute a major amount to it since he was the one that invested in the house. As people mentioned tell him your feelings in a nice way and say listen when I sell my co-op I am using the money for (insert item or savings).
korndoggie
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:53 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 08:53 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
I know that it's not nice to think about but, God forbid, what happens if something happens to him? If your name isn't on that house then it's not yours.
zoe282
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:19 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:19 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
I don't know if this makes you feel any better but now that you are married LEGALLy that house goes to you...if something happen to him it goes to you whether your name is on the house or not. .......That being said I totally understand where you are coming from. DH and I bought a condo together...it was tough b/c due to the nature of the 'next generation condo' only DH's name could go on the deed.....I pretty much paid for it. we are married now and my name is not on the deed although I pay for it....it doesn't really matter b/c the house is mine legally due to our marraige...I can't be put on the deed due to how the house is done....For you I would be more mad at WHY he doesn't want your name on the deed. I would try to make him see how hurtful it is...tell him how would he like it if you took all the money from selling the co op and put it into an account 'just in case it doesn't work out' that would be close to te same thing as him worrying you'll take the house.....
DrWho
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:36 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:36 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
The house does NOT automatically go to you.In order for a house to be passed outright in it's entirety to you, you need to be on the deed either as joint tenants with right of survivorship or as husband and wife. Without that language, the estate goes to all heirs. Don't pony up any cash for the house unless you're going on the deed.
zoe282
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:46 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:46 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
What I did was make my DH write up a will giving me the house if something happend to him. I get everything....Also if you don't have any kids and something happens you get it all...it is called intestacy. If you have kids and no will then the property is split the first $50,000 and then 50% yo you and the other 50% split between heirs.I think this is an issue that you need to discuss with DH....by not putting the money to update the house you are biting your nose off to spite your face and that isn't a way to start your marraige...and he is totally wrong for bringing his past into this current marraige. You really need to work this out and come up with a solution that makes you both happy. IMO i think having separate things isn't the way to go. A marraige is about sharing your life and i also think it means sharing your 'things'
GinaZ
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:55 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 09:55 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Im sorry I have no advice. But I would feel the same way as you. Is this somethig he explained to you before you guys got married?I agree with the other ladies that you shouldnt invest any of your money into that house unless you are listed on the deed- thats not fair of him to even want you to do that.
PegaLega
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 10:13 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 10:13 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Posted by HamptonsBride
i think that if he was that concerned about you 'taking' his house from him in case things didn't work out...then he should've had you sign a pre-nup.
I co-own our house with family members and DH's name is not on the deed...he told me he will not put any large amounts of money into improving our house unless he was added...or we bought out my family which i completely understand. I would tell your DH that you don't feel right taking such a large amount of your investment and putting it into something you have no legal claim to. Hope it all works out!
ITA
snwb08
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 11:46 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 11:46 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Posted by DrWho
The house does NOT automatically go to you.
In order for a house to be passed outright in it's entirety to you, you need to be on the deed either as joint tenants with right of survivorship or as husband and wife. Without that language, the estate goes to all heirs. Don't pony up any cash for the house unless you're going on the deed.
this is true, the house does NOT go to you automatically like someone else said.
do NOT give him money without going on the deed. My friend gave her husband $70k from the sale of her co-op (he already owned a house, she wanted to contribute); he did NOT put her name on his house and now they are getting divorced and she is out her $70k and that house, and everything except child support and maybe the car. she doesn't want the house, but that's not the point; she's still out her $70k. I would never give someone money without my name being on the deed.
snwb08
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 11:51 AM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 11:51 AM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Posted by HamptonsBride
i think that if he was that concerned about you 'taking' his house from him in case things didn't work out...then he should've had you sign a pre-nup.
I co-own our house with family members and DH's name is not on the deed...he told me he will not put any large amounts of money into improving our house unless he was added...or we bought out my family which i completely understand. I would tell your DH that you don't feel right taking such a large amount of your investment and putting it into something you have no legal claim to. Hope it all works out!
this is actually a good point and might be another option. you can do a post-nuptial agreement that stipulates you will get the house in the shorter of his death or 3-5 years (whatever he says); after that time period your name will go on the deed. something like that - it's an option if it will make you feel better.
don't get me wrong though - I still don't think you should give any money toward the house unless your name is on the deed.
Aug07OFCbride
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:34 PM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 12:34 PM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
ITA with most of the girls who already posted. I would not be happy and I would not invest a thing in 'HIS' house unless the deed has your name on it. That sounds very unfair to invest in something as a couple that he insists on keeping your name off of. I could be off, but it also sounds like he has kind of put his foot down about it, like he's laid out how he feels, says he understands how you feel, but still no compromise. Hopefully thats not true and youll be able to talk through this and come to some sort of understanding. I have a hard time with his rationale.... I personally dont think you can be making the best decisions in your marriage and in your care of eachother if youre always living as if it MAY not last (like he is). jmo. I feel like it could change the dynamic.... potentially cause some real tension and resentment. It does sound like youre paying for his ex. I understand caution but thats just not how I could operate in a marriage. I wish you the best with this!!!!
catsgirl
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 01:43 PM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 01:43 PM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Posted by Cpt2007
I can see how you would feel hurt. I would be too. Personally, I would not use a single cent towards the house from your coop if he refuses to put you on the deed. Put it in a retirement fund instead so that the money is just waiting and growing for your future. That way, no matter what happens, it can be used and saved. You can list him as a beneficiary if you wish, but I'd keep it in your name only.
GL!
I agree, very well said.
Jenn04
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 02:15 PM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 02:15 PM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Posted by Cpt2007
I can see how you would feel hurt. I would be too. Personally, I would not use a single cent towards the house from your coop if he refuses to put you on the deed. Put it in a retirement fund instead so that the money is just waiting and growing for your future. That way, no matter what happens, it can be used and saved. You can list him as a beneficiary if you wish, but I'd keep it in your name only.
GL!
Ah this is tricky though. If you do put the $$$ in a retirement and something does happen to you...he gets the $$$. Even if he is not a beneficiary...the husband is entitled to your $$$!
sophisticat13
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 07:58 PM+
Posted: Sep 02, 2008 07:58 PM
Re: Please tell me your honest opinion......(sorry, long!!)
Thanks very much for all your advice.....I read all your posts about 3 times !! DH told me today that he thought about everything and he is going to put my name on the deed as soon as my co-op is sold, that he wants me to feel that it is OUR house, not his and he feels terrible that I am upset. I am not exactly thrilled with waiting BUT I am OK with it...and we are also getting wills made up and we are each other's sole beneficiary. Thanks ladies........
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