Legal Advice? excerpts from ABA weekly column.

Excerpts from the ABA weekly column. Hopefully good for a few chuckles.
Don't try these on an exam.

Last week, we asked you to reveal the worst or most interesting 'legal
advice' you've heard from a nonlawyer. Apparently, such sage advice is
plentiful. There were even a couple of tidbits reported by more than one
reader.


For instance, both Dean N. Alterman of Portland, Ore., and Doug Hafer of
Arlington, Texas, have been cautioned to beware of gold-fringed flags in
courtrooms. 'A tax protester once explained to me that if the federal and
state flags had gold fringes, then it was an admiralty court and had no
jurisdiction over land-based offenses such as not paying income taxes,'
Alterman says. Hafer was further advised that such courts are 'part of a
broader conspiracy among certain 'subversive groups' to control the people
of the United States.' He has since noticed, however, that virtually every
court he visits has a gold-trimmed American flag.


Another popular piece of advice was reported by both Kerry Sutton of
Durham, N.C., and David Siegel of Philadelphia: State troopers must wear
their hats when they stop you for a traffic violation, or the case will be
dismissed. Siegel was further advised that you can not only have the ticket
thrown out but also can sue for false imprisonment. The reasoning was that
an officer without a hat is not in uniform and therefore has no authority
to make a stop.


Here are the rest of our favorite answers:


A man came to see me about a problem he had in a recently completed
divorce. His girlfriend advised him to put everything in her name?money,
the title to his car, all of it?so he wouldn't have to lose half in the
divorce. You guessed it: She left him and the state for parts unknown about
a week after his divorce was final.



Two nonlawyers, a meeting planner and a hotel sales rep, were trying to
finalize the hotel contract for a major meeting. Each had a different form
contract from in-house counsel. They decided to end the negotiation by
agreeing: 'I'll sign yours and you sign mine?that way we each have our own
contract.'


As in-house counsel to a $180 million manufacturing company, I learned
from our CEO of 15 years: 'Just because you sign a contract does not mean
you have to follow any of it. Contracts are more like suggestions of ways
to do business.' Oh, the words of wisdom. I'm sure my contracts professor
would have loved to hear that!


After crossing out the fine print on the back of a preprinted form (that
waived jury trial and statute of limitations), I was told in writing that I
could not make any changes 'because this is a legal document.'


I once called a cleaning service to give me an estimate. The owner came to
my home, and after our discussion, handed me a document setting forth what
the service would consist of, the frequency and the price. He signed and
dated this and handed it to me to sign. I told him I wasn't sure I wanted
to agree to those terms, at which point he assured me that this document
wasn't a 'contract,' it was only an 'agreement.'


At a recent hearing to determine whether the defendant in a domestic
assault case should be detained pending trial on grounds of dangerousness,
I heard a police officer testify that Mrs. X 'has a restraining order.
Under that order, the defendant is not allowed to abuse her until January
2004.'


I once had somebody suggest that a common-law marriage could be dissolved
by a common-law divorce.


A pro se litigant recently told me in writing that since my client was
lying, I was guilty of suborning perjury just as my client was guilty of
perjury. The litigant had learned this from her brother, who did not
graduate from high school, and she concluded by stating, 'I know that is
true because I remember seeing it on Perry Mason.'


The worst I can recall is from an infomercial advertising a way to save
thousands of dollars legally a year. The spokesman touted that you did not
have to pay federal income taxes as there was no definition of the word
'tax' in the Internal Revenue Code.San Francisco


I had a client who was convinced that the IRS was actually controlled by a
group of eight people in the United Kingdom. This client was adamant that
U.S. citizens had no obligation to pay federal income tax because we had a
'voluntary' tax system. Just to be safe, however, the client had annual tax
returns prepared that showed continuous business losses for more than 10
years.


That you don't have to pay federal income taxes if you don't use ZIP codes
on your mail.


While in school, my tax procedure professor took it upon himself to attend
a seminar whose organizer claimed to be able to show how to pay zero
federal income taxes. The professor called the advertised number and began
to ask the phone bank operator about the organizer's qualifications. He was
told that the organizer had a Ph.D., but that he was not a lawyer or
accountant. The professor asked whether that limited the organizer's
ability to give tax advice. The operator confidently replied that the
organizer practiced 'the common law' and that you don't have to be a lawyer
to practice 'the common law.'


One of my husband's legal aid clients insisted to him that a story she
had read in a supermarket tabloid had to be gospel because, 'It's against
the law to print anything that isn't true.' I thought this was a rather
interesting take on the First Amendment.


The best of the worst nonlawyer advice I have heard: 'If you know that you
are driving drunk and about to be pulled over, run your car into a tree or
similar immovable object instead of pulling over. A head injury cannot be
distinguished from intoxication, and you may refuse blood-alcohol testing,
and you can beat the DUI.' Presumably, you would intend to imitate a head
injury from the collision, but a real resulting head injury would be just
as effective?the adviser was not clear on this point.


Several years ago, my 6-year-old sister got very upset in the car one hot
day. We had brought some sodas, and the entire family was openly engaging
in the crime of drinking and driving. My sister advised us to stop
immediately or we'd all go to jail.

Re: Legal Advice? excerpts from ABA weekly column.

LMAO

Re: Legal Advice? excerpts from ABA weekly column.

Marcela I love this one - and to think I forgot to put it into my crim pro final :RMO30:

State troopers must wear
their hats when they stop you for a traffic violation, or the case will be
dismissed. Siegel was further advised that you can not only have the ticket
thrown out but also can sue for false imprisonment. The reasoning was that
an officer without a hat is not in uniform and therefore has no authority
to make a stop.