Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Hi.

I know that you ladies are fabulous and intelligent and clever. I feel as though I must say this.

Someone I know very well is going through a bitter divorce right now. This woman has been with this man for 20 years. She has always been financially dependent on her husband. It has been a horrible marriage but she never left because she could not afford to. Now she has no choice because he is pretty much kicking her out. Now where is she living with her sister. A 50 year old woman who has been working with nothing to show for it.

I know we love our men, but please let's be realistic anything can happen- Please be prepared.
Start investing, start saving on your OWN.

This whole situtation is scaring the heck out of me.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

You are right, we should always have our own money, own bank account, I agree 100%

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

This is such a double edged sword.

I think if you make special arrangements "just in case" thats not the right attitude to have in any relationship.

At the same time, you have to protect yourself from scum.

Right now, all of my investments are joint with my husband. I would not be okay with him having his own stuff (except for a little checking account for odds and ends) so I cant exactly use a double standard for myself. I know Im entitled to a % of that if we were to divorce...so I guess that is good enough for me.

Maybe not the ideal situation but i dont know what is.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

From day one my mother always told me never lose your ability to provide for yourself even when you are married. I personally saw that happen to a friend and she was so bad because he drove her to work for 10 years so when he left she could not even do that. I am not saying you should have $10,000 stashed away, but enough to get you on your feet.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

So do I!

Aside from this situation (and to your friend), when my father passed away my mother basically had to start over with her credit ratings, her history was over 20 years old.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

we just had this discussion at pre-cana last week. bob and i knew we would always keep a little bit separate and as a CPA i can not stress enough that women need to keep at least one credit card in their own name. too many women become co-signers on their husbands' cards - that does nothing to build their own credit history. god forbid the marriage breaks up, or worse someone gets sick, a woman needs to have her own well-established credit history.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Stef, I see your point, but we have to be realistic and not to sound morbid, but it is not only divorce we have to worry about- (death)

It may not be the best attitude, but as I said anything can happen.

Fh and I will have joint accounts/investments when we marry, but we will also have our own. I do not see anything wrong with that.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Please take it from someone who knows. Women should absolutely positively make sure that they have financial resources of their own. I am not talking about secret bank accounts, but definately credit cards, retirement accounts and something put away for emergencies. I was married for 18 years in my first marriage and by the time I left my ex he had put us into such a huge hole financially that it took me several years to climb out. In spite of the fact that I was working 2 jobs (he wasn't working at all he decided he didn't want to work anymore ) we were $20,000 in credit card debt (all his by the way), our house was in foreclosure and I was hiding my car to keep it from being repossessed (which it was anyway). I had to start all over again from scratch (without him of course) and it wasn't easy. Not only did I have to pay off the credit cards because they were joint accounts, but no one would give me anything. The only credit card I could get was a secured card with at $250 credit limit . This time around I have my cards and DH has his and we have 2 that are joint. We each have our own bank account as well as a joint account for house bills etc. I know exactly where we stand financially, I make sure I see all the joint bills, my car is in my name only, etc etc. DH is okay with this and thinks it's makes sense. So do I.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Thank you Wendy!!!! I am glad you made it out of that hole!!!!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I think there is a difference between being financially independent and having money in the bank.

Case in point - I may not have much of my "own" money, but I am 100% financially independent b/c I can support myself without the help of others.

I think thats why I could never be a SAHM...i would be too stressed about not making my own money. That is a big hangup of mine.

I think the situation is a lot more complicated for SAHM. How do you stay financially viable without working? How do put a little aside without getting it directly from husband? Maybe the SAHMs can shed some light.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

My $.02:

Both partners should know what is going on financially. I know a couple where the wife literally hands over her paycheck to the husband and she has no idea about their finances. He gives her cash each week and she buys clothes and gifts on a credit card, which he pays. I think it's important that even if oneperson has the responsibility for actually paying the bills, that both SEE the bills, the investments, and BOTH make JOINT decisions on how to save, how to invest, etc. Women should always know where their money is, and not leave it all up to the man in the relationship.

Women should keep a credit card in their own name so they always have their own good credit rating.

Women should take advantage of all the retirement savings they can by putting away a certain percentage of their salary every month for retirement. I don't htink it's wise for women to rely on their husband's retirement benefits alone.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

For me, too, being a SAHM would be difficult because I would not be comfortable about not making $. I think I would have to work at least part-time to keep some financial independence.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

OK , so for someone like me, who is getting married in 2 months, what would be the most reasonable thing for me to do? There is no way my FH will agree that I should have a seperate checking account. I thought when you get married, automatically your credit scores etc are combined? How do I keep a credit card or 2 on my own? I'm confused....

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Future- just keep your credit card that you have already.

As for credit scores I do not know if they are combined.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I must agree, a woman should absolutely be financially independent whether it means money in the bank, her own career, whatever.

I who worked at the bank for 8 years, have seen and heard more horror stories than you can imagine from once loving couples so in love and invincible.
It's horrible what life and circumstances can do to a relationship. And turn ppl into monsters too.

I have my separate accounts, a few of them, not b/c I don't trust my hubby and think we will divorce, but b/c it maintains my independence, and God forbid anything should happen to my relationship or to my hubby, I have my own.
I'm not waiting around for life insurance to kick in or bank policies.
I work, and always will.
If after a while I am blessed enough to have children, the most I will do is stop working fulltime, and change to part time, but I will not stop working alltogether. JMO on what works for ME

Message edited 7/8/2003 11:24:54 AM.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Future, you have credit cards now, right? SO, just keep them as they are, don't replace them all with the ones that will have yours AND your DH's name on them! That's what I did!

This is a very good thread, btw! I can't understand the women who totally rely on their DH financially! It’s so scary and uncomfortable! I have some friends who don’t even bother to look at the bills, (even though both of them bring home the money) and let the guy deal with finances! Also, it’s unfair to the husband! We are supposed to be partners!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Keep the responses coming.

I love to create threads on serious issues that should be addressed.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I agree, too! My DH and I each have a separate account, and then we have a joint account. My paycheck is directly deposited into MY personal account, same for him. We put what we can into the joint account, for bills or whatever. We each also have a retirement fund, although his is huge and mine just got started a year ago, so it's very small. Basically, all the money is OUR money. But the difference is that I have 100% control over the money that's "mine." I hope that makes sense....

We are doing this for many reasons. One is because I want to maintain a sense of self, of independence, of not having to "ask" my husband for money, or account for every penny that leaves the bank. I would feel like a little girl asking Daddy for ice cream money.

I'm also keeping my OWN credit cards, and have no intention of having joint cards at all. My credit is spotless. My husband has a tendency to make late payments, and is more of a spender than me. I don't want my name on any of that.

Does this mean we don't have faith in our love or our marriage? No way! But we're being realistic. You can be optimistic and positive, while maintaining a sense of reality.

We know how many couples fight over money. It's one of the real hot spots between a couple. By maintaining more separateness financially, we hope to avoid a lot of the money conflicts that arise when every penny goes into the same pool.

Naturally, we give and take as the joint account needs. But at least if I want to buy a pair of shoes or clothes, or a surprise gift for DH, I don't have to account for it.

My mother said the hardest thing she ever did was give up her financial independence. She stopped working after her first child, and never worked again. She used to write out the bills and handle all of the financial stuff, but after the kids came, she had too much to do and turned the money stuff over to my Dad. She lost complete control of all the bank accounts and financial matters within the marriage. She's still married to my dad, but now she's been out of the loop for so long, she can barely work an ATM, and my dad has to go to the bank and get her money for groceries. UGH!! That's demeaning in my opinion. No WAY is that going to happen to me.

If you aren't going to keep a separate little account for a rainy day, at LEAST make sure you don't take your hand off the money altogether. Stay in the loop!

Karen

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Bravo Karen!!!!!!!!!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

From the time that I was a little girl, my mother (who is still happily married to my father) always stressed the importance of being an independent woman, especially financially. Not because she thought we would someday end up divorced, but because she felt that we should have our financial independence to help us feel equal in decision making, etc with whomever we chose to marry. I thank god that she pushed us to strive for independence because I know that no matter what, I can not only take care of myself if I need to, but I can take care of FH and our future family if ever need be. Just my two cents.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I totally agree with being able to stand on your own two feet financially. When I was growing up I watched the woman across the street (who was very dear to me) have her husband leave her for someone else and saw how she had to sell her big home in Smithtown and go into a small small apt in Middle Island. It was not the life she knew. I also watched my aunt go through her divorce without a penny in her pocket, never having money. That left an impression on me. I was raised to always take care of yourself and never depend on a man. It always stuck with me. When you get married, you become a team. My opinion is though that you should never lose your sense of independence financially or any other way.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I rely on DH financially 100%.
I know there are women out there who don't and never will understand that, but the situation works for us and scary as it was at first, I'm very happy and completely adjusted to the situation. I love being a SAHW and look forward even more so to being a SAHM. I don't even keep a secret "just in case" account.

I have my own credit cards, but he pays the bills. I have access to the checkings and savings for when I need cash. He earns all the money, but I'm never in the dark in terms of how much we have in terms of our assets. Call me idealistic but if I thought about the what ifs of divorce than I would have never married him to begin with. Let's just say that in this case our marriage is an excercise in blind trust and faith.

In the event of his death all the assets go to me.
My name is on the mortgage to our house and to his flat in England. All the bank accounts have my name on them.

We don't talk about what would happen if it didn't work out, because we focus on the committment we made to stay together. I have no desire to do it any other way and if it bites me in the @ss later on...so be it. That's the chance I choose to take.

Something else to add: I do have a friend who was married for 13 years and when he divorced, his wife got MORE than half of everything...so the circumstances vary. She never worked and they had no children. So in the event of divorce, it varies by situation. Not everyone is left high and dry.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

There is such a sense of security gained by knowing you can take care of yourself.

When DH asks me if I need money, or when he holds out money for me to take, I say "No thanks, I'm okay." Not having to take that money makes me feel good about myself. He's always shocked that I don't want it. I suppose even if I don't need it, I could take it anyway and go shopping!! LOL But I'm not ready for that yet. I still wouldn't feel right about it.

I was in a relationship when I was younger, in my late teens and early 20s. He worked and I went to school. He basically supported me financially. I HATED it. It made be feel trapped, dependent, and like a leech. When I wanted to leave him (he became abusive), I felt obligated to stay, since he had done so much for me. I had trouble breaking up with him because I couldn't just walk out the door. I had to get a job, save some money, etc. It took me almost a year to leave after I had decided in my heart that's what I wanted to do. So basically I "faked" my way through that last year, biding my time while I built up resources. Talk about demeaning! It was NOT easy.

It's so tempting to say, "Okay, I'll quit and you can work and handle the money." Let's face it, who LIKES work? Not me. But having been on both sides of the fence, I'll choose work and financial independence ANY DAY over sitting by the pool eating bon bons while DH brings home the bacon.

Naturally, this doesn't apply to SAHMs....

EDITED TO SAY: Susans, as long as you are happy with your choice, that's all that matters! Maybe you are the stronger one of us all, who has the courage to take such a leap of faith in a day and age where most women are choosing otherwise. We all have to do what we feel is best for us individually. Good luck to everyone in their choice!

Message edited 7/8/2003 12:07:07 PM.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

KYSHA My girl to bring out reality issues that yes its unfortunate, but does happen. I am not talking about just divorce, but also death. You have to be prepared. My father was the one that always talked to my sis and I about marriage, relationships, education, financing. And he always told us to be prepared b/c you never know what may happen to your husband. If he passes away in a fatal accident, or decides to walk out on you, you can stand on your 2 feet and move on financially. Because you have your career and you make your own $$. To this day I value my father's conversations. They have pushed me to be a much stronger and independent woman. Where I don't need to rely on anybody but myself for anything. FH and I aren't married yet, but we have joint accounts, our own credit cards and our own bank accounts. This is the way it will stay. I handle all the bills but we both know where the money goes. We go over it each month together so he isn't lost in the finances. Because if anything is to happen to me, he knows where everything is and what to do moving on forward. I know that sounds very morbid, but you have to be prepared. Because we don't know what may happen from what minute to the next.

You can get joint credit cards? I never knew.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I don't think having secret accounts is the idea of being financially independent...but having your name on the mortgage IS important...

both cars are in my name as well (since my credit was better )

I have stocks that I acquired well before I met DH and I am just too lazy to change it...

We both have our own credit cards (he only has one...b/c of credit reasons)...but we pay them together

I do have my own bank account (at the same bank as our joint) b/c I rolled over a 401K and wouldn't be able to close it without penalty


what I have seen is my neighbor go through a horrible divorce and b/c of that my mother preached to me about having my name on everything...my friends sister also was separated and the ex closed the account...so there was nothing for her...


Its hard to say...