my wedding brings back bad memories for me...long :(

I am sure you are all so tired of hearing my same story over and over but if i dont get it off my chest to someone, i literally think the hurt would just take me over..

As a lot of you know, my mom lost her fiance recently, the man who was basically a second father to me and my sister and brother. Well today was his b day...he would have only been 53...so young which makes it so much harder.

I watched my wedding video today for the first time in a long time and found myself only looking for him in it, trying to find him in the background, watching him with my mother...and suffice it to say, i cried hysterically the entire time. That was the last time we were together as a family and now to me, my wedding video only brings me pain.

While planning my wedding he was becoming more sick and more sick and of course my mom was there for him as well but i cant help but feel that a lot of time that would have been spent with him (they didnt live together) was spent trying to make my day perfect. And in the grand scheme of things, as i look back and look over everything that has happened since, I feel so guilty.

So now, my wedding memories bring me only pain and sadness and I dont know how not to feel this way. There were times he would ask my mother to go to a movie or something like that and my mom would say no cause she was with me shopping for dresses, planning my shower, etc. I feel so horrible because while this man was suffering and coming to the end of his life, there I was planning what was supposed to be the happiest day of mine. Now my happiest day brings me sadness and tears. I dont know what im asking here...maybe just to vent, but it felt a little better to get it out.

Maybe one day i cant look back and see all good, but the way i feel right now, i dont know when that day will come

Re: my wedding brings back bad memories for me...long :(

Im sure it made him happy to see your mom help plan the biggest day of her little girls life.
Im sure he was very happy and proud to be part of your special day too.
Dont think of it that way

Re: my wedding brings back bad memories for me...long :(

Please don't feel guilty because your mother chose to do wedding things with you as opposed to spend time with him. It was a difficult decision she made, and you certainly did not force her to do this. Just from what you write, it sounds like he was very proud of you and enjoyed your day immensely and is glad to be a part of this special day for you. While planning a wedding, life goes on, and if someone is sick and dying, you cannot stop your wedding planning. We cannot predict what will happen in the future. You and your mother did not know he would pass away several weeks ago. No one expects us to drop everything (including planning a wedding) to wait for a person to die. Now I'm babbling but basically what I'm saying is that you shouldn't feel guilty, but instead thankful that your mother's FI was able to spend this very special day with you. It will take time to get over this guilt but since we cannot predict the future, you did absolutely nothing wrong with having your mom help you with wedding planning. You should not feel any regrets or guilt.

Re: my wedding brings back bad memories for me...long :(

I unserstand its hard right now, but it will get easier - not that you'll forget him, but you'll be further removed from the pain. And you'll be able to look at your wedding video and be thankful he was there to share that wonderful day with you, and that you have him captured on video enjoying his life.

You have nothing to feel guilty about!

Re: my wedding brings back bad memories for me...long :(

Oh Noreen, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time right now.

I know how hard it is to see your mother's FI on your video right now. As time passes and you have more of a chance to heal you will be glad you have it and will be able to remember the wonderful memories you have and not as much as the pain you are feeling now.

You shouldn't feel guilty for the time your mother spent with you while planning your wedding. I am sure he loved seeing all the fun and excitement surrounding your wedding

We are here for you

Re: my wedding brings back bad memories for me...long :(

I actually think I know how you feel. My FIL became terminally ill 5 months before our wedding date, so we rushed and got married 6 weeks after his diagnosis. He passed away 3 months later.

Our first year of marriage has been very emotional - my husband is like a different person. We haven't been able to watch our video yet because it is just too hard to see FIL there dancing with me and with my MIL and talking to us in his speech. We just start crying and turn it off. It's been equally hard putting together our album. My husband picks pictures based on whether or not his father looks good or is in the picture. IT's really hard.

My hope is that one day we'll remember our day as one of my FIL's best and happiest, and I know it was. He was so happy for us and had a wonderful time with his friends and family. I hope that you will see it that way also.

My thoughts are with you.

Re: my wedding brings back bad memories for me...long :(

i am so sorry to hear about all the pain you are going through - i remember some of your other posts...and although i am not a newlywed, i understand where you coming from - when my fmil passed away we felt as though we didn't spend enough time with her - me especially since all she ever wanted to do was go shopping for my dress which i kept puting off...and then we never got the chance..which is something i will always regret..but what you have to realize is, that you and your mom doing things kept him going - it would have been much worse if she hadn't helped you at all b/c she would have felt bad and he would have felt worse too - since he would have felt guilty probably that she couldn't help you or he would have been more scared or concerned about his own health if she dropped everything just to be with him - i didn't know him but guess he wouldn't have wanted that..i am also assuming he had a great time at your weddign, right?? well, thats what you should all remember - one reason why fh and i have deicded to go on with our wedding now is that we realized that unfortunately people in our families really only all get together for weddings and funerals and we wanted it to be a chance for everyone to be happy and have great memories...i know how hard it is - trust me - we cry almost daily still - but you have to try to think of the positives - he was there and it probably made his day to be there,see you both exchange vows and spend such a special day surrounded by family and friends...its a hard thing to watch now but the good news it is that you have this piece of him forever now..and you can pass it down the generations so they get to know how wonderful he was too...

sorry to babble...i know its eaiser for me to say than actually do too...hang in there and if you ever need anything, please let me know (fm or email me!) - we would do anything to have had fmil at our wedding but she won't be...aside from in sprirt..though it is hard, you have a 'live' version of him still...

good luck and i will be thinking of you...