Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by swags1016

Kristi

You do not have to justify yourself and how you feel. Many of us realize that with one additicion usually comes another, whatever it may be. Please do not let it get to you.

To the guys- (and I wish my DH would learn this too)

Being a shoulder to cry on or a place to vent does not mean that you have the right to express an opinion, being a friend is listening and not judging. If she had said Opinions please that would have been a different story.

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my mistake

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

DJPILL- i didnt start this thread for opinions. i just like to vent.. i like to vent on hear because i am so sick of talking abou it. that is why i only tell the partial story..its so hard to admit the full truth... i am heartbroken by this... i have cried to my husband begging him to go get help. i married him because he is a good person with a great heart..
im just so afraid for him...

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

You are such a strong person and you deserve more, and better. You are totally in the right. I understand expecting him to settle down a bit more when you are married--I hope for some minor changes like that with my FH once we are married. The fact is that you two were a family, and he acted like he was still alone and had no one else to think of. Thank god you are getting out before children are involved!

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by kdelace


im just so afraid for him...

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the fact that he blew you off to get wasted and didn't call...this is how he is dealing with the feelings.....ADDICTION


ETA say oops..I thought it said you were afraid of him!

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Is there anyone you can get to talk to him, a close friend, his parents?

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

This doesn't seem like it's getting any easier for you!
I wish there was something I could do or say to take away some of this pain......but there really isn't....
Please know that you are in my heart....and I hope things get a little easier!

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

believe me i am so sick of crying... i miss my husband. I have been so alone these past two weeks. i just cant bear to watch him spiral down like this. This summer was so bad.... he chose not to work this summer (teacher) which was fine, but he fell back into those habits...

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by kdelace

DJPILL- i didnt start this thread for opinions. i just like to vent.. i like to vent on hear because i am so sick of talking abou it. that is why i only tell the partial story..its so hard to admit the full truth... i am heartbroken by this... i have cried to my husband begging him to go get help. i married him because he is a good person with a great heart..
im just so afraid for him...

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Yeah. If you would have just put 'no opinions' in the first post... I would have refrained from posting anything. People have done this in the past and I respected that.

I posted because I can just soooo relate to this (more than other people on this website) cause like how you used to bartend... I DJ (which is pretty much the same lifestyle as a bartender).

Plus... I actually STILL DJ and don't plan on stopping anytime soon (at least while I am still employed at Sutton Place). I reguarly come home at 5am or so.

But when you said he wasn't coming home till 6am... i just figured he was just going out to get something to eat at a diner after the bar (I am sure you know that feeling).... and not doing something more dangerous like you said.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by kdelace

believe me i am so sick of crying... i miss my husband. I have been so alone these past two weeks. i just cant bear to watch him spiral down like this. This summer was so bad.... he chose not to work this summer (teacher) which was fine, but he fell back into those habits...

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What does he currently do for a living? How does he manage to work with his lifestyle?

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Is there anyone you can get to talk to him, a close friend, his parents?

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thats the thing... his mom has a drinking problem. she treats chris more like a friend then a son.. she just moved to florida yesterday with her husband.. chris doesnt talk to his father. his sister has a drinking problem...get the pattern???

the friends he hangs out with and parties with are all single and have drinking problems themselves. the few that are married and have families know he has a problem. they say that thank god i came into his life. I just spoke to his friend about it the other day. he knows...

thats why my husband is so angry at me. i am the only one who has questioned his drinking patterns. no one else cared enough to say this is a problem...

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar with my sister and it was so difficult. I can just tell you that having gone through what I did with my sister, I vowed never to go through that again. When my high school friends started doing coke I stuck it out for a while thinking they were going through a faze, then it got to the point that I didn't want to be associated with that and I took myself out of the situation. They feel like I turned my back on them, but as fas as I'm concerned they left me with no other choice. As far as I know, 4 yeras later they're still doing it.
Now I'm not telling you to walk away from your husband, but I am telling you that sitting back and watching him self-destruct will also destroy you. If he was willing to get any kind of help I would say stand by him and be there for him. But given that he's not even admitting or facing the fact that he has a problem, I'm not sure there's anything left for you to do. He made you empty promisses before you got married, and in all likeliehood he meant them at the time. But actions speak louder than words and his actions towards you and towards himself show no level of respect.
I don't know if you would be willing to try it, but have you looked into and support groups? I know my mom went to Tough Love meetings when my sister was into drugs. My sister also had 2 DUIAs and was arrested for possession both times.
If you need to talk, I'm here.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I don't have much to add, sweetie... my heart goes out to you. I wish a lightbulb would go off in your DH's head for him to realize that he truly has a problem.... not only for the sake of your marriage, but for the sake of his personal welfare.

The more information you give us, the more I think we ALL now realize that this is a MUCH bigger problem than just 'he goes out and parties too much' It runs far deeper than that. Its obvious you love and care for him, or else you wouldn't be this upset. But you are miserable , and its obvious he is not willing to change right now, nor to help save your marriage. I feel for ya and send you lots of and prayers to you

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

good luck to you...you are a strong woman and please don't give up your values or stray from what you know is right...be thankful that there are no children involved here...you are still young enough to have the beautiful life you deserve

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I'm sorry you have to deal with this
Have you thought about going to Alanon or something similar? It may help you to be around people dealing with the same issues.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

i know its a bigger problem than i led on to be... its just so hard... this is the hardest thing i have had to go through. to watch someone you love and care about spiral downhill and you can't do a damn thing about it. i feel so helpless!!! im so sick of crying and worrying.. i have a permanent stress headache....

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by kdelace

believe me i am so sick of crying... i miss my husband. I have been so alone these past two weeks. i just cant bear to watch him spiral down like this. This summer was so bad.... he chose not to work this summer (teacher) which was fine, but he fell back into those habits...

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TRY YOUR BEST TO HELP HIM AND YOUR MARRIAGE, DON'T GIVE UP UNTIL YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE, THIS IS ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU AND YOUR HAPPINESS. JUST BE PATIENT THE PAIN WILL GO AWAY, AND WHATEVER HAPPENS IS FOR THE BEST

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

It's such a shame the issues didn't come to the forefront before you're marriage, but to be honest, it sounds as if you have already moved on in your own mind. You are obviously very strong and determined.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by kdelace

you GUYS are not getting what i am saying.

well since you are sticking up for my husband maybe i should fill you in on a little more then maybe you wouldnt stick up for him...i didnt want to put it all out there but maybe you can see where i am coming from....

i found coke in his pocket, TWICE!!!... this was before we got married... so staying out late isnt because of drinking.. I am not a FOOL... I know the bars close at 4am but he lives down the block..doesnt have to drive so what is REALLY going on between 4 am and 6,7,8 am when he strolls in... im not stupid....
so its not just a drinking problem, there are drugs involved.

also he was in a DWI accident- almost cost the other guys his life- he was sued... it was finally settled.....

this problem goes BEYOND the typical night of drinking with the boys...

when we were getting married he said he wanted to calm down and start a fresh life without drinking and so on... we both wanted that at the time. thats why i am so upset.... i was naive enough to believe he would want to start a fresh life.... i know now he cant change- and he doesnt want to....

there are other drinking horror stories that i could tell you that would make you cringe but i am not going to get that personal...

so please dont judge me and make me feel like i am being hard on him!!!

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You are not being hard on him what so ever I am in full agreement with you !!!! Why should he be coming home at 8:00am That is just wrong especially with a wife at home he is not hanging with the boys he is chilling out with drugs Enough said !!!!! Please Please stay strong

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

All I can say is that i feel sorry for you. I hope everything works out. I hope your husband finally realizes that he has an addiction, and that he gets himself help.