Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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the few that are married and have families know he has a problem. they say that thank god i came into his life. I just spoke to his friend about it the other day. he knows...

thats why my husband is so angry at me. i am the only one who has questioned his drinking patterns. no one else cared enough to say this is a problem...

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first, I am very sorry that you are going through this, and we are all here to help you and let you vent, whenever you need to! Don't let anyone's opinions hurt you more!

Is there any way that you could possibly get the few friends that realize that he has a problem together, and maybe get a couselor, and have an intervention!

Unfortunately he doesn't seem like he wants to help himself. You may need support of friends and your family to force him to get better.

The easiest thing to do is run away from the problems. But If you love him enough, I think you need to do everything in your power to help him get through this, even if it means rehab. It doesn't matter if he gets really mad at you, because if he get's better, he will thank you in the long run for saving his life!

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I can't force him into rehab or into counseling. Only he can do that himself. I am seeing a counselor myself and she said only he can realize he has the problem and only he can change if he is willing to. like she said he is a big boy..i cant change him or 'save' him. I can only help him if he is willing to help himself. and he is not right now...

he already yelled at me for talking to one of his friends about the issue... most of his 'friends' are in the same boat as him. it is scary but it is true... ive tried to talk to his mom, but like i said she is the same way. ive talked to his sister but she also has a problem.

its not like this happened once and i said forget this is too hard... this has been goingon before we got married and it is obvious that it has gotten worse.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by DjPiLL

Well I am going to get flamed for this since I am not in agreement with the rest of the world on this site... but its still my opinion and I am entitled to it just like everyone else. I didnt make a post in the previous threads cause I wanted to first see if he would come home on his own.

I guess I agree with my FW in not seeing that as a major deal to risk an entire marriage over. If I was doing this... my FW would probably just go home on her own and go to bed and not think twice about it. I don't think she would give me slack over it.... especially if I was staying because my friends were there.

But everyone is entitled to their own opinions and such. I know for a fact that my FW is very liberal with her beliefs so that could cause the difference in opinion. She always told me she would never get in the way of me and hanging out with my pals (which I am extremely thankful for).

There is a big difference between coming home at 6am (which I don't see a problem with - most bars don't close till 4 which you are probably aware of)... and coming home the next day at like 10am or noon.

If he comes home between 4-6am... thats one thing. Thats when the bars close. Hell... I don't come home till 5am every day myself from when I am out. But if he comes home say after the sun comes up... then you are in the right to scold him.

Since he hasn't come home yet or talked in these past two weeks... it sounds like he is holding his ground and believes he is right. I 'sort-of' believe he is right as well.

If you really want to save the marriage... you might have to just give in. Or you are more than welcome to just end the relationship if you feel it isn't worth the headache.

- Now before you flame the hell out of me... read this final paragraph that sums it up

You said it yourself that this is the way he was when you met him. Just because you changed since you got married and feel its not 'acceptable' anymore... I don't think its fair to expect him to change as well just because you are married. Change should not be forced.


Well regardless of the situation.... good luck with whatever you do or end up doing. Its your call if you want to stay in the marriage or not. He isn't going to budge on this one.

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I'm sorry, I completely disagree. I think that she is gearing this towards him going out too often and possibly having a drinking problem. There is nothing healthy about that. I think you made the right choice and that is great that you are strong enough to do so.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

Many hugs to you.

I can relate to where you are. I had a very serious relationship some years ago -- where he fell under the influence of coke. I tried to stick it out and help him drop the habit - but he wouldn't. The final straw came when he emptied our bank account to buy. As hard as it was - I walked away. Cold. Just - gone.

I am not suggesting you should do this - but in my situation, it was a SLAP for him and with the help of his best friend he got straightened out. Unfortunately - it was too late for us. But I am glad he found his life again and got sane.

All this is to say - hang in there. It may look pretty dark now - but things have a way of working out.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

'But everyone is entitled to their own opinions and such. I know for a fact that my FW is very liberal with her beliefs so that could cause the difference in opinion. She always told me she would never get in the way of me and hanging out with my pals (which I am extremely thankful for)'



the above is just ridiculous and im ot even going to respond to that..
i just read DJPills full response... i didnt ask for any opinion, I posted 'venting'.I dont feel the need to state 'no opinions' on my thread... you have never posted before to any of my threads, please don't now... even before i got into detail you made me feel like i was the one in the wrong. my husband is not home yet because he doesnt want to face his problem..... 'not because he is standing his ground'...

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

Hi Kdelace,

I posted about seven or 8 months ago, under an alias, about a similar situation. I check in from time to time when I'm bored at work, or want some entertainment, but I haven't posted in forever. I was also married for seven months, when it subsequently ended. I had a similar situation as yours, involving alcohol, and other things. My husband also had occasional nights where he didn't come home, and I also often took a back seat to his friends and partying preferences, especially towards the end. We had other problems as well, but it was ultimately his desire to have his single life back that contributed to our marriage ending. We decided to split up, and to this day, it was the best decision I/we ever made. It didn't take long at all for me to get back up on my feet and rebuild my life. I met an amazing man and we are happier than I have ever been. I look back on my old life and the only thing I regret is waiting so long to admit our mistake and start my life over. I am in no way advocating that you do the same. Just wanted to offer hope, and the proverbial success story. You DO deserve better, and there IS better out there. I know how hard it is to enter the world again, but it can be done, and you may be pleasantly surprised at how happy you can be. FM me if you want to talk more!

ps. It is SO true that he cannot/will not change unless he wants to. We went through months of weekly counseling, but to no avail. To this day, his behavior has not changed at all.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by AprBride

Hi Kdelace,

I My husband also had occasional nights where he didn't come home, and I also often took a back seat to his friends and partying preferences, especially towards the end. We had other problems as well, but it was ultimately his desire to have his single life back that contributed to our marriage ending.




that is EXACTLY the situation i am in. i am fming you...

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I know you were just trying to vent and give an update, but I don't think DJ meant to make you feel bad or wrong. I think he just wanted to give another perspective. No, you didn't ask for opinions, but when you post on a public board, sometimes you have to take the good with the bad, and anyone can post.

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I am too tired and drained to keep going on with this. i appreciate all the fms and will NOT be posting about this anymore. thanks for the support and for letting me vent and not stating opinions... public board or not..

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by kdelace


and will NOT be posting about this anymore.

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Good move.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

i honestly dont need your sarcasm, 'DJPILL' stick to being a dj...

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by DjPiLL

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Posted by kdelace


and will NOT be posting about this anymore.

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Good move.

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Wow, totally unnecessary response.

Kristi, I know I haven't posted about your situation before, but I've been following it. Please don't feel that you shouldn't vent here. Don't let one or two people make you feel like you've lost the outlet you so needed to get this off your chest and help yourself figure things out and heal.

I hope you can find peace and closure quickly and that you know that many of us respect you for your strength in this situation.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

oh believe me, i dont let 'Richard' aka DJPill get on my nerves... i know i have many people on here that genuinely care about whats going on and fm me to see how i am and dont make insensitive remarks...

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by kdelace

i honestly dont need your sarcasm, 'DJPILL' stick to being a dj...

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Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

Seriously, DJ, grow up. Your need to be petty right now is a little disgraceful and a lot disrespectful when someone is talking about her marriage falling apart.

Why not take the high road and just not post to this thread anymore?

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

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Posted by jannshari

Why not take the high road and just not post to this thread anymore?

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LOL she personally attacks me... yet I am being disgraceful?

How bout scroll up in the thread. Want me to take the high road? I ALREADY TOOK the high road with this post after she actually came out with the REAL story.

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Posted by DjPiLL

With this new information... I am now in total agreement with you. He has a problem and needs to correct it.... probably with professional help.

I don't envy your situation. Good luck with what you end up doing.

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Since posting this... I get slammed. Oh well. Actually I just got a FM from her. Interesting.

Re: marriage update...little long..sorry haven't vented in awhile!

I did read the whole thing. Your last post to her before I said anything was completely unnecessary.