Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

OMG!! That is absolutely horrible! My parents are paying for my reception and so far they have not fought with me about anything. I agree with the other girls. Think about if the band is necessary and if you can cut back a bit in the honeymoon.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

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Posted by PrincessRose

You can do it, but I'd rather not see you lose all your savings over this. The flowers and invites can be done inexpensively. If you forego table flowers, you can save even more.

Your Mom has a lot of Chutzpah, that's for sure. I had a similar problem with my mom for the first week or so of engagement (although nowhere NEAR as bad as yours is). I sat down on the phone with my parents (they were in CT, I was on LI) and I told them that Adam and I were perfectly happy to postpone our wedding as long as necessary to save up for it, and that they wouldn't need to pay for anything at all. It was then that they decided to compromise, and then I proceeded to plan the whole thing myself.

I don't know that that would work on your Mom, though. She seems to be pretty upset about your choice to marry a non-Jew. However, I don't even know that she'd be any easier to deal with if you were marrying Schlomo Lipschultz.

What about your Dad? Can he be reasoned with? Can you change your honeymoon plans (because that's gonna be the worst expense)? I think you should accept your FFIL's contribution. It's not like you asked, he offered, and you do need the help. Maybe this is an opportunity for your FH to become closer to his Dad.

ETD: I didn't notice the band part - DEFINITELY change that to a DJ. I think it's absolutely feasable for you to get your guest list down once you cut out all the Mah Jongg Mavens and Poker Buddies!!!!!!!!!!!! If I were in your position, I'd cut all your parents' friends from the list, only invite the family *you* want to invite, and tell them all sorry, but your mother isn't helping with the wedding costs and so you had to cut the list.

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I completely agree with this. Our budget is in the same ballpark as yours, and we have managed to keep things to under $30,000. However, we have a DJ instead of a band, and our HM is costing half of what yours is. I say for you and FH to do this on your own with the help of your FFIL. There is nothing better than making your own decisions like an adult, instead of having to hear what everyone else thinks because you feel at their mercy because they are contributing.
Your mother is not acting like an adult, she is acting like a stubborn child with a temper tantrum. And now it's the guest list, next it will be the flowers, and dresses, do you want your mother to dictate every aspect of YOUR wedding simply because she's contributing?

Save yourself the stress and the headache and do it on your own. And we're all here to help if you need ideas!!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

You could definitely do it on your own. If you go with a DJ rather than a band you could save quite a bit and if you scale down the HM you could also save some $. Good luck!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I'm so sorry this happened with your mom. I totally understand what you're going through. I just cried myself to sleep the other night too over a fight with my mom over my dress. Imagine crying while you're trying on dresses. Anyway, it sounds like you could pull off paying for your own wedding if you do cut back and honestly it may be the best thing you do. It'll be one less stress in your life. This should be one of the happiest times in your life, don't let someone ruin it. Hope things get better.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

First things first -

I am so sorry your mother spoke to you like that and that you are going through this! You will get through this and have such a beautiful wedding!!!!!

I think that you and your FH can def do it for under $30,000. Book a DJ rather than the band, and with the help of your friends here at LIWeddings, you can get some great inexpensive idea's for your centerpiece's and invitations. I would do candles instead of flowers to save on the money. Also cut out your mother and father's friends from the guest list and you can save right there. You can do it and we are all here to help you! Please FM me if you need to talk! I'm sorry!!!!!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

First off I am sorry you have to be dealing with this when this should be the happiest time in your life.

Mothers are strange sometimes... but remember she is your mother and always will be... maybe once she calms down a bit you can explain how important this it to you and that they will help with the finances.... mom's need to feel helpful... she might come around......

If she doesn't you have a 'meeting ' with your FI and figure out how to afford it... things can be scaled down.. weddings here are crazy... you can have a memorable day without going broke...

Please don't lose sight of how important this day is to you..it's your day.... remember principles above personalities!!!!

Good luck and the LI girls are always here for you

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I say add'em anyway, Does she have to know till day of? is she that in control of list you cant plug in those guests when the list is due to the reception hall??? If need be talk to the RH ahead of time and tell them you are paying for those guests seperatly so your mom doenst know ... she'll probably never notice with all that goes on the wedding day

Good luck!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

You can do it yourselves! We are paying for our entire wedding ourselves and that's with student loans up the wazoo! Let it cool for a few days and let your mother know that you don't need a dictator over the wedding. Make a guest list with your FI and show her. If she disagrees, say her money was appreciated, but not for the sake of your sanity and health.

Who says that FI's side only gets 1/3 of the guests? His uncles can't come but your parent's friends can? That's ridiculous!!!!!!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

YES, you can do it, honey. What everyone else said is exactly right. The best way to get out from under someone's abusive control is to become financially independent. Cut back the list far (including mostly your mom's guests). Also, this could be off-base, but I am sensing that she is causing trouble because you are not marrying a Jewish man. I know how Jewish mom's think. My mom told me that if I ever married someone who wasn't Jewish that I would have to pay her back for my Bat Mitzvah. But, if you are happy and doing what's best for yourself, then you need to live your own life, and do this on your own. You'll be fine.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

You can do this without going into debt, BUT it will mean making sacrifices. First, the amounts you listed, are those the actual total costs, or what is left to pay on all the vendors? Surely you left deposits to book them. Figure out exactly what is owed where.

Keep in mind that most photography contracts ask for final payment when you get your proofs, which is AFTER the wedding. Hopefully, you will have some additional paychecks, and maybe some monetary gifts that can cover that final payment.

As for sacrifices. First, you have to follow FH's advice and get that woman out of your life. The stress is soooo not worth it.

Second, $6000 for a band is an expense you will HAVE to eliminate. You can get a DJ for less than $1500.

Third, the honeymoon, while it might be something to splurge on when money is not an issue, at this point (unless the $7300 is already fully paid and non-refundable) it is something to reconsider - either reduce the amount of time (like from 14 days to 10 or 7), or change destinations.

Fourth, your date is a few weeks more than 6 months out (although you are cutting it waaaay close). If your current hall is in Suffolk County, you can consider looking around at other catering halls and seeing if they still have your date open and what kind of deal you can get from them to book an open date. That could potentially reduce your per head costs from $100 plus tax and service charge to $75 a head plus tax and service charge. Then if your current hall is in Suffolk County (and ONLY if it is in Suffolk County), you can cancel before you hit the six month mark, and get all but $100 of the deposit returned.

Fifth, check out princessweddinginvitations.com. They have the best internet prices around for invites that I have seen. Everything from pocketfolds, to the simple, classic, elegant single sheet invite. The prices are all 35% off retail. I have ordered a bunch of samples from them and the quality is the same as in all the stores.

Sixth, for flowers, consider using candles for centerpieces. Michaels, AC Moore, Pier One, all have sales on candles and holders that would allow you to create your own at a fraction of the cost of a floral CP. For your personal flowers (bo-k & bouts), consider a regular florist and a simple bo-k of a dozen roses, with simple rose bouts.

Seventh, do not let pride stand in the way of accepting the $$$ from FIL. It will save you from depleting your savings to nothing, and NO wedding is worth going into debt over.


Eighth, and by no means final . . .

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I am so sorry your mom is doing this to you and turning YOUR DAY into HER DAY. I tis one of my biggest pet peeves when someone does something for me but expects things in return or wants to contrlo the whole situation!! You and your FH can totally do it on your own!! Someone put a thread on here that said the wedding is about the people you care about most being there and celebrating the wedding of you and the love of your life-we sometimes think it is all about the amount of things we have there that cost WAY TOO MUCH money!! You can do it, just cut back alittle here and there it will be a great day!!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

A million hugs to you. I hope you can get through this time. My friend had a similiar experience with her mother. She said that her engagement and wedding planning was the worst time of their relationship. Try and hold on, I hope things can get better and I hope your mom can learn to have a more open mind and loving heart. You can do it yourself if you want, it is def financially possible. Heck, we'll start up a LIW collection fund for brides in crazyass moms!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I think SexyEsq covered everything.
If you switch venues, you can DEFINITELY find somewhere for less $$, especially with short notice!
Lose the band, change the HM (Costa Rica is really cheap, has all inclusive resorts, and is VERY nice- and tropical), take the $$, and run.
Remember, this one day is about celebrating the union to last your whole life. That's whats important. Don't let anyone's control issues ruin it.
You can do this!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

im so sorry your going through this! i think oyu can pull it off, sometimes a lil financial stress is better then emotional stress you are under

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

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Posted by FallBride05



I think you can absolutely do this... I know you don't want to go into debt to have your wedding, but with your FFIL's contributions and what you have in savings, it's absolutely possible. And there's a good chance you can make it up in wedding gifts or come close. We just about broke even with our gifts.

The stress your mother is putting on you is unacceptable, the time leading up to your wedding is supposed to be enjoyable (yes a little stressful, but not like this)

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I totally agree. My FH and I are paying for our own..and i love that noone has opionions but us!!!! We worked our butts off to do it, but it's sooo worth it. You can do it you can doit!!!!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

First,

You can absolutely, positively, have a DREAM wedding and HM at a fraction of the prices you've listed. It's done all the time. Also, there is no way I would allow my mother or anyone else to treat me that way in the name of a wedding or anything else.

Retrieve control out of your mother's hands, have the wedding YOU want, and, she is your mom and you will always love her, but establish your right to respect and kind treatment NOW by saying thanks, but no thanks.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

The wedding is about you and your FI, not your mom. If you aren't happy, what's the point? Do what you need to to have the wedding you want with the poeple you want.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

Honey! You can do this!!!! Show your mom you don't need her!!! I am sorry but that is so mean for her to do to you! Limit your spending by cutting some things like have a DJ instead of a band, you'll have 4,000 right there! Don't worry, if you guys out your brains together you can work it out! Good luck!!

XOXOXOXO
Kitty

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I think it is important to remember that your wedding is a celebration between you and your FH. If having your mother is ruining you day, reconsider the part she plays in it.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

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Posted by PrincessRose

You can do it, but I'd rather not see you lose all your savings over this. The flowers and invites can be done inexpensively. If you forego table flowers, you can save even more.

Your Mom has a lot of Chutzpah, that's for sure. I had a similar problem with my mom for the first week or so of engagement (although nowhere NEAR as bad as yours is). I sat down on the phone with my parents (they were in CT, I was on LI) and I told them that Adam and I were perfectly happy to postpone our wedding as long as necessary to save up for it, and that they wouldn't need to pay for anything at all. It was then that they decided to compromise, and then I proceeded to plan the whole thing myself.

I don't know that that would work on your Mom, though. She seems to be pretty upset about your choice to marry a non-Jew. However, I don't even know that she'd be any easier to deal with if you were marrying Schlomo Lipschultz.

What about your Dad? Can he be reasoned with? Can you change your honeymoon plans (because that's gonna be the worst expense)? I think you should accept your FFIL's contribution. It's not like you asked, he offered, and you do need the help. Maybe this is an opportunity for your FH to become closer to his Dad.

ETD: I didn't notice the band part - DEFINITELY change that to a DJ. I think it's absolutely feasable for you to get your guest list down once you cut out all the Mah Jongg Mavens and Poker Buddies!!!!!!!!!!!! If I were in your position, I'd cut all your parents' friends from the list, only invite the family *you* want to invite, and tell them all sorry, but your mother isn't helping with the wedding costs and so you had to cut the list.

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I agree completely!!!!! I am so sorry that you are having to go throught this Here a a bunch of hugs for you