Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I would like to have a child or 2. I am not really sure. Hubby wants 1. His rationale is that we can afford one, and we can still do everything we want to do with our lives.

However, I do have my fears. I fear
-weight gain
-ill mannered children
-losing our closeness
-childcare

We get questioned a lot about children, and I tell people we are enjoying us before we bring a child into the world. It's a personal question, and people should realize that.

I have a cousin who has two young children. She tells me don't do it. Your life changes, and for her, the marriage has definitely deteriorated. Sometimes, I feel that they are still together for the children and that is sad.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Nina that is what my mother always says. Just take it one day at a time everything will come together.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Everyone has valid fears with me included. My biggest fear is the weight gain. The other stuff to me, feels like they will fall into place. We are waiting to save $, spend time together and grow individually .. i.e. career growth, change, etc...

My career is important to me ... a big reason that I'm going for my Masters is to advance it, but I also want to pursue the career of motherhood. It's that important to me. I want to raise a little Rob or Cira. I want to be able to leave all that we've worked so hard for, to our own. At that point, it doesn't matter how your kids behaves and if you're fat or not. In the end, it will all work out.

But I understand and support everyone else's feelings and concerns. It's a very very personal choice between you and your husband!

Great thread Stef.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I guess I dont believe in the 'everything will come together' thing because it doesnt work that way for most people.

There are LOTS of bad parents out there. And im not even talking about the really bad ones that are abusive or neglectful. Im referring to the ones that mean well but just were not cut out for parenthood for a variety of reasons.

Ive heard people say that a child only needs love. That is BS! They need lots more than love to be happy and healthy. I dont want to be one of those parents that tell other people NOT to have children because its so hard or it changed their live in a way they didnt expect. I want to be the kind of parents that look at their child with love because they were 100% sure they wanted it way before the conception started.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

My friend and I just had this conversation... When you have children, you have no more free time! Your time is what is left over from time not spent with the baby- which is obviously no time!!! You can't get your nails done, have sushi with your friend, spend a quiet day shopping by yourself, enjoy the movies.... My friend who recently had a child said she is excited when she gets to take a shower!!!! I can't imagine wanting that for many many years!!!

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

For all the 'there is no time left for XX' one kiss and 'I love you' is worth more than 100 trips and 100 hours of free-time- JMO. Again, every parent has days/months of doubt about whether they are doing the best/right thing. There will never be 'enough' money or the 'perfect' time for most of us. It is about how you feel inside. And I agree with Stef, a child does not just need love. Love is very important, of course, but it takes more than just love to raise a child.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Sonicstef hit it on the head - it takes a LOT more then just love to raise a child.

One of my friends was completely blown away by how much time and effort it takes to raise a child. She was lucky to have both her mother and MIL close by to help with whatever she needed help with and was fortunate that she didn't have to go back to work and was still overwhelemd.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Alot of my friends ( the ones I feel are really good parents) say that once the child comes everything changes. They say all you are concerned about is the baby so although you don't go out as you would like you feel its worth it. One of my friends told me you think you love your husband but wait until you have a baby. You will be willing sacrifice anything for the child. So in that respect all the family needs is love b/c love is what will guide decisions that the family has to make.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

When I said that things will come together the way they're meant to be, I didn't mean that you can just sit back, not take action, and let the kids raise themselves or anything like that. I agree with all of you who say that ONLY love is not enough, but it (along with understanding and communication) sure makes a big difference in a person's approach in all matters of life.

The only thing that keeps me positive and helps me stay sane about many issues in my life (in addition to how I will raise my kids) is to worry less and have less fear. From experience I have learned that there's no use in worrying about what will or might happen and when I look back at times when I was scared or worried about something, in the end things always turned out alright (maybe not perfect but it wasn't the end of the world).

does that make sense, sorry to babble!

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

We would like to have children but are also both scared. FH was very family/baby oriented when I first met him, but now one of his friends just had one, and their hands are full (the girl is now 8 months old). Recently the mom went back to work and they are considering getting a nanny b/c when the baby is sick, they can't bring her to the daycare.
However, both parents of the couple are extremely happy to have the baby, etc. No regrets.

FH now seems less enthusiastic, but more in a worried and practical sense. I think we'll wait a few years after the wedding to ttc. We both believe that love (and uderstanding / communication) is enough to keep a family together, but perhaps we're naive due to our age (only 25).

My biggest fears is:
caring for the baby and the fear of actually giving birth (I know, weird)

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

reading everyone's posts, i am realizing that i'm not the only one with these fears...i think that the scariest thing of all about becoming a parent is that you will never ever know how good (or bad) a parent you can be, or how much work it really is until you actually do it...no amount of self-knowledge or other peoples' warnings and advice can ever prepare you for something like this...

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Just wanted to add my 2 cents here -
I'll never forget going to the marriage prep course and they asked when do you want to have kids - I said 2/3 years and Dh said at least 5 years -
Well after a year of being married - I was pregnant on our first anniversary -
I'm reading all of the posts and I too felt the same way as so many of you do. It's funny how with time things change. I'm now eight months and still don't know if I am completely ready... I'm not sure if I would have ever been 100% ready -
I'm 31 and DH is 35 and I have to admit that plays some part of it - if I was 25 I would not be pregnant -
Anyway that's my 2 cents

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

It's not an easy decision, but rather a personal one. No one should guilt you into doing something you just feel isn't in your nature. Having my son was rough on me, emotionally and physically plus my ex husband was NO HELP at all. Yes I love Brandon more than anything, but sometimes do I wish I could come and go as I please?..of course I do, I'm a mom not a saint. Yes I am nutz and will be trying for another child but my life is different now. I have a strong caring man who will actively help in raising this child. I see the qualities in him when he interacts with Brandon.

There are many trade-offs and compromises that come with the territory, but as Michele said the I love you's, the kisses and the unconditional love are well worth it. JMO

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I understand when you say it will all work out etc. But if I have a hand in it, I will want it to turn out when I am ready. I know right now I am definitely not ready. I know people always say there is never any right time, b/c we can alway find an excuse of why not to...but it all goes back to, its a personal decision.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Just to clarify: Im not knocking those who think it will all fall into place...Im just saying that for those who have fears, we should listen and heed the instincts we have. These fears are completely justified and need to be resolved before making any decision about bringing a child into the world.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

wow - my thoughts are mirrored in a lot of the above posts. I guess I've always wanted children, but I can't actually imagine having them. And I'm certainly not at the point where I'm willing to change my lifestyle for them.

Its does seem like so many people are in a rush. Friends of mine can't believe that our parents haven't put the pressure on yet (they're actually telling us to wait and enjoy our time). Whenever I have news to share, the big question is 'you're pregnant?!' I got laid off from work and 20 people said it'd be the perfect time to have kids - whatever.

Baby fever definitely has not hit. We're looking at 3-5 years from now. We'll see what happens.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

I forgot to say just like love does not conquer all, a child definitely needs more than love.

Stef maybe that is why I cannot hear my biological clock, my little voices are louder than my clock saying....no baby, no baby

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Lisa, that is exactly what my pastor said, enjoy your husband for a little bit. My mom who everyone thinks would be rushing for a grandchild seeing as I am her only child, told me, its no rush, children will always be there.

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Shamma: When you wrote 'no baby, no baby' all I could think of was:



No Whammy! No Whammy!

Re: 1/6/03 Question of the Day: Anyone NOT want children or are not sure?

Stef that is funny