Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

It does help, smile.

That's what I'm so torn about...

I don't want to do anything I'll regret, and if I look back years from now, I may regret not letting my dad have his 'moments.'

However, if it makes me want to puke on that day, I need to consider that, too. I don't think he deserves any 'honor' right now, and to have him standing by my side while I know that he was the 'ringleader' who put me in this situation... UGH! I just don't know.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

It does help, smile.

That's what I'm so torn about...

I don't want to do anything I'll regret, and if I look back years from now, I may regret not letting my dad have his 'moments.'

However, if it makes me want to puke on that day, I need to consider that, too. I don't think he deserves any 'honor' right now, and to have him standing by my side while I know that he was the 'ringleader' who put me in this situation... UGH! I just don't know.

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I can't imagine what ur going through with your dad... but maybe you should wait a little while before you decide what to do about your dad. It is only Tuesday... maybe you should give yourself until Friday to see if you can rid your ill feelings towards your dad. If you can't, then you shouldn't allow your dad the honor at your wedding, and he should deal with the consequences of his actions.

I'm very sooooorry ur going through this!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Holy sh!t, I am FUMING just reading all of this!

Thank GOODNESS my Dad wants nothing to do with Bachelor Parties - I'd NEVER speak to him again after that. And if my mother sided with him, she'd be out on her @ss too.

I am pretty sure that if that happened to me, no matter how forced he felt, I wouldn't marry the guy. My former Best Friend always said that when I got married, there would be a stripper at my BP whether I liked it or not, and I quietly hated her for that. Same for FH, he can go to a club, but after reading your post, there is NO WAY they are having a private stripper.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, Violet.

I hope you can find peace soon.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

It does help, smile.

That's what I'm so torn about...

I don't want to do anything I'll regret, and if I look back years from now, I may regret not letting my dad have his 'moments.'

However, if it makes me want to puke on that day, I need to consider that, too. I don't think he deserves any 'honor' right now, and to have him standing by my side while I know that he was the 'ringleader' who put me in this situation... UGH! I just don't know.

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Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Whoa -- all of the above would send me throough the roof. But I think, without question, these three are cheating...

-Touching her breasts

-Licking whipped cream off the stripper's nipples

-Letting her dry-hump him while he lies on the floor

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I have to say that the fact that your FI came clean right away means a lot. I don't think any of it makes him a bad person and I can't imagine he will ever be put in a situation like this ever again.

As for you dad, I would be furious as well that he was part of it. Not having him walk you down the aisle though is pretty huge thing that could cause a permenant riff. Do you think you will ever forgive him? If so, think about maybe putting aside your hurt feelings for that day and working it out after the wedding.

I am so sorry though that this happened this close to your wedding - it's not like you aren't already stressed.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by brideinapril

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Posted by violetfairy

It does help, smile.

That's what I'm so torn about...

I don't want to do anything I'll regret, and if I look back years from now, I may regret not letting my dad have his 'moments.'

However, if it makes me want to puke on that day, I need to consider that, too. I don't think he deserves any 'honor' right now, and to have him standing by my side while I know that he was the 'ringleader' who put me in this situation... UGH! I just don't know.

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I think he had his moment already.

This is too much for you to deal with right before your wedding.
eta: I think smilealways was right when she said to talk, yell, get out your feelings to your dad and use the threat of him not walking you down the aisle to 'get through' to him!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Well, you posted about talking with your dad as I was typing so I didn't see it. If he was still disrespectful of you after you went and talked to him after being upset, I think that is pretty awful. When you look back on this day as you flip through your wedding pictures, is the absence of him walking you down the aisle and dancing with you going to make you upset about what he did and bring back bad memories, or feel glad you stood up to him? On the other hand, thinking about having him in the pics, will it be easier to feel 'healed' or still mad that he did it and still got his 'honor.' Is hard to project ahead, but it might help if you try to think it out. Either way, you have a few more days to think it out. Maybe let it settle a bit more and see how you feel? When it comes down to it, trust yourself and your decision.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I'd be so disappointed too! I know what bad influences my FI's friends are.... He'll have the rest of his life to make it up to you though....Of course some of those things are horrible, but think of the women whose FIs are off in the back room actually having sex with the strippers! I would be disgusted with my father if he did that....I would definitely yell at him to get your point across. Let him know how disgusted you are with him....

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Ok, lemme just add one thing.

At the VERY least, the wedding would be postponed, and I would sue my parents and the cousin for damages to get the deposits back if I had paid for them.

I would not walk down the aisle this weekend.

You have to make your own decisions, but that's definitely what I'd do.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

'I have to say that the fact that your FI came clean right away means a lot. '

Mmm. He came clean about everything EXCEPT sucking the stripper's boobs.

I didn't find that out until my dad bragged to me-- then I confronted fh and he admitted it.

See? So many layers, mixed feelings. Don't know who I'm more furious with now... fh for doing all this crap, my father and others for egging him on, or my cousin for hiring a damn prostitute in the first place and giving her instructions to make it a 'wild time!'

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I know what I'm about to say is a very simplistic answer ... but is there any way you could postpone the wedding, and not lose too much $$$ in the process? Not that the money means anything in the big scheme of things, of course...

Unfortunately I really think that no matter what your resolution to this situationis, you are going to be miserable on your wedding day .. I cannot blame you, I think I'd be miserable also. I also feel that is no way to start your marriage, with such bitterness and mixed feelings towards your FH, your parents, etc. Even if you had a MONTH left you could sort thru this better and make your wedding day special again.. but in the next few days, its going to be too raw for you perhaps.

At this point I'd hate to see you go thru with the wedding while your heart is totally not in it

Again, all I can REALLY say is that I am SO SORRY you have to even deal with this situation right now!!!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

'I have to say that the fact that your FI came clean right away means a lot. '

Mmm. He came clean about everything EXCEPT sucking the stripper's boobs.

I didn't find that out until my dad bragged to me-- then I confronted fh and he admitted it.

See? So many layers, mixed feelings. Don't know who I'm more furious with now... fh for doing all this crap, my father and others for egging him on, or my cousin for hiring a damn prostitute in the first place and giving her instructions to make it a 'wild time!'

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See THAT makes sense to me - what he did was wrong, and he was already afraid of your reaction.

I'd postpone. But that's just me.

I actually just called FH and told him how upset I am about this. I am just beside myself with fury for you, hon.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I'd say go ahead an be mad at whomever you need to be mad at. I agree that the stripper obviously doesn't care, it's just $$ to her. Sad. And degrading.

I just had to reiterate taht you are NOT NUTS FOR BEING MAD and don't let your parents let you believe otherwise. You are the one in touch with reality here. I consider myself a pretty smart, independent woman, as many of the ladies on LIW strike me as well. I just think the whole things smacks of disrespect of you as a woman (and of women in general with the idea that it's not cheating b/c it's a stripper--she's still a person, and they're still things you wouldn't want your fi doing with a non-stripper)

Since this is all so new, I agree--give yourself a few days to sort it out in your head, heart etc. You've got a ton of support behind you from everyone on here!!!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I don't think that she should postpone, because it doesn't seem in her heart to do - you should follow your heart. Not what others think. Everyone has their own opinion, but do what's right for you, violet. There are a lot of people that would agree with you, and support you.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Ok...I guess I am the first and probably only guy that will reply to this thread.

I cannot believe that your FI didnt stand up to his friends and family. I would never do anything like that. I cannot stand strip clubs, and will not go to one. I have gone to them in the past for other people's bachlor parties but I wouldnt want to go to one for my own bachelor party. it is not my scene.

Danielle and I are having a Bachelor, Bachelorette party. We will probably go for dinner and drinks somewhere. We arent sure with the plans yet.

I feel really bad for you that you have to go through this so soon before your wedding day. If I was in your shoes, I am not sure what I would do about your FH, and the situation with your father. I cannot believe that he was the one that sprayed the whipped cream on the stripper and was also one of the people that ragged your FH on about licking the cream off the stripper.

I wouldnt say that only your cousin and father are to blame for this. I think your FH has to have some guilt in this matter. He can still make his own judgments. If he thought it was wrong, he should of been able to say that he wasnt doing anything that would hurt you. I know that is what I would of done. It doesnt matter if people were to make fun of him for not doing anything with the stripper, they do not matter. The only thing that matters is that your Fh wasnt true to you and in my mind, cheated on you. Any type of contact with another woman, is cheating in my book.

Scott

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

-Letting the stripper pull down his underwear

-Touching her breasts

-Letting stripper lick whipped cream off his body

-Licking whipped cream off the stripper's nipples

-Letting her dry-hump him while he lies on the floor

-Letting her put a dildo over his crotch and pretend to give him a blow job

These are the worst offenders in my mind.

A question for you ... what does your FH say about all of this? Do you trust that his feelings of remorse are genuine? I think it's really hard for us to judge you in this situation. Your FH made a terrible terrible mistake in judgment. It's awful, but only you know whether this was completely out of character or partially in character.

As for your parents ... I'm sorry but I think they are the worst offenders in this whole ordeal. To allow it, egg it on, and then try to dismiss your feelings is inexcusable. If this wedding occurs, it will be your day with your FH. Only you know whether your parents' behavior of ignoring your feelings in this instance is something that they think is acceptable behavior. If so, I'd seriously consider walking down the aisle myself or omitting parent dances. Just my opinion.

Whatever you do ... you have support here. You didn't cause this situation. Remember that. Good luck.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

THANK YOU everybody!

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I have to go get ready to do the final try-on and pick up my gown. Which I will be doing alone. Of course.

I don't think I can postpone because we just paid the catering hall almost $30 grand. They're booked pretty much for the next year. And I have people coming in from all over the country due to show up on Thursday and Friday.

But you're totally right... my heart isn't in this and the whole thing STINKS of unfairness... most special day of my life and I'm not even looking forward to it right now.

I have to figure out how to put this all past me within the next 4 days. Real fair. But I'll get there, I hope.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Please just think before you make any decisions either way.........and yes you have every right to be upset @ everyone!
Just take a day or 2 before you decide either way.

ETA-I just calledmy fh/dh and he said that he's seen this at some bachelor parties and some bachelor parties don't have this.
He also said that its obvious that your dad really likes your f/h.
He said to talk to your dad about all this.
I don't mean to be naive but after seeing what my friend went through in front of everyoone @ that party I went to and knowing he was AMBUSHED maybe your f/h was too
EVEN THOUGH IT SUCKS!!!!!!
Yes- you have everyones support here!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Im so sorry that all of this happened to you so close to the wedding. I think that while FH my have crossed the line he didn't do anything to horrible and im sure he did not mean to hurt or disrespect you in any way. If it was my FH I would definitely still marry him... but there would be a very long talk and I don't know if I would let him go to any bachelor parties in the future!

I just asked my FH what he though and his response was 'what do you think happens at bachelor parties... at least he didn't stick a banana in her (the stripper)!!!' Now I am mad too...