Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I'll fmyou

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I'm pretty sure I'm still getting married, but I'm too angry right now and too filled with mixed feelings to think rationally.

Oh, and yes, LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, other brides!!

I acted totally cool about the whole stripper thing... I even designed a cake with boobs, bought a blow-up doll, etc. because I expected it all to be light-hearted fun.

When fh came home and started telling me stories about how humiliated he was about everything that happened and how she pulled down his underwear in front of everyone, etc., I was shocked and I APOLOGIZED to HIM for taking any part in this because he seemed so genuinely upset. He didn't want a bachelor party in the first place. He would have been happy to just go fishing with the guys.

When my cousin offered, I was thrilled because I thought it would make fh feel like people in my family cared about him.

I set no ground rules because I assumed we were all on the same page! Who would have thought that a party involving my father, fh's father, and our little brothers would have turned into one step away from a gang-bang?

This girl gave 'lap dances' (yeah, that's a tame word for it) privately in the bathroom to several men afterwards. I have no idea how many of them had sex with her. I do know that fh did not go anywhere privately with her. So I'm supposed to feel like, well hey, as long as he was sucking her boobs in public, it's fine!



SET GROUND RULES!!!!!

NO STRIPPERS IN PRIVATE HOMES OR HOTELS!!!!

IF you let them go to a club, make sure no one is paying for your fh to go get a 'private' showing in a back room! And for god's sake, know that these things are common and you should discuss everything beforehand with fh and whoever plans the party, no matter how much you think you can trust them.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I am so sorry this is happening four days before your wedding!! I also am more shocked at your father's behavior than your FH's.

I don't know what to say except talk to your Father about it and see if he really feels that indifferent about the whole thing and talk to your FH, then trust your gut on the Father walking you down the aisle thing. You don't want to make a hasty decision out of anger and then regret it later in life.... you might want to consider having your Dad walk you and maybe cut out the dance?

Good luck!!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Oh yeah, forgot-- did talk to my father. He said I was being 'self-righteous' and I needed to lighten up. Then he laughed at me and told me to get off my high horse.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

Oh yeah, forgot-- did talk to my father. He said I was being 'self-righteous' and I needed to lighten up. Then he laughed at me and told me to get off my high horse.

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So let him walk you down the aisle and then don't do the father daughter dance. When he questions you tell him to get off his high horse. He doesn't need a dance. Tell him to find the stripper.

Sorry - I should know better but I hate that you have to deal with this. What's wrong with people!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

OMG this post is making me absolutely furious! For you I mean! I don't know why guys think that acting like immature idiots is cool and that doing things with a stripper, I mean WHORE is ok because they're not married... YET. This type of thing totally disgusts me and before I got married, I was honest with DH about how I felt about all of it. He's not the type of guy that would ever do anything to hurt me, but you never know what might happen when you're out with some old Marine buddies and they're pouring liquor down your throat. I mean, I was sick to my stomach thinking about what might happen at his bachelor party. Nothing like this happened thankfully, but I feel so bad for you right now. If you feel like you can get over all of this, I would still marry the guy..
And I wouldn't want to walk down the aisle with your dad!!!!!!
I'm so sorry that you've been put in this position!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by Anniegrl

you never know what might happen when you're out with some old Marine buddies and they're pouring liquor down your throat. I mean,

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I agree. The power of opportunity as well as the power of alcohol should never be underestimated--especially when coupled.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Wow. I am so sorry this happened. Thank you for your advice. I never really thought about it. I guess it's good that your FH came clean with you about it, but at the same time I'm sure you wish that he never said a word. It's hard to erase the visuals that I'm sure your having. I know that I would have a hard time too.

Sometimes they say things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately with all the wedding stress and everything, maybe this should have been one of those times?

You'll have a beautiful day. Try to put it all behind you and move on to your future. There is no emotion that you have that can take what has happened away. I wish it could.

I respect your FH. He obviously feels great remorse and embarassment and loves you so much that he can't live with what was done.

Good luck. Hope all works out.

Stephanie

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I'm sorry you're going through this and I do hope you sort it all out before your wedding, so you can enjoy the day.

It's not an excuse for their behavior but some men just don't think about their actions or consequences - they just live in the moment.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

Because I have a stalker and was not giving out any of my exact info before. But I'm too goddamn furious to keep quiet about it now.

And yes, my father was supposed to walk me down the aisle before... now I'm sick just thinking about it. This is the man who's supposed to protect me and he's bragging about getting my fh to suck another woman's nipples days before our wedding?? I want to kill him.

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I'm so sick right now, I can't believe YOUR own father did this. IMO - there would be no way he would be walking me down the aisle, that is a total lack of respect on your part, I am so mad for you right now - I can't even put my thoughts into words.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by Ang&Rich

So let him walk you down the aisle and then don't do the father daughter dance. When he questions you tell him to get off his high horse. He doesn't need a dance. Tell him to find the stripper.

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I agree!!!!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by Donna

Edited

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She wouldn't have been the one to hurt the relationship, though... her father would be to blame.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I was going to say the same thing as brideinapril - I feel like I could throw up! I cannot begin to imagine how you are dealing with this.


I've restarted this a few times cause anything I have to say in incredibly harsh and not what you need right now.

I am so sorry.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

You girls are the best! Thank you for supporting me!

My parents are making me feel like I'M the crazy one for being upset about this. I think I needed reassurance that I'm not insane.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

You girls are the best! Thank you for supporting me!

My parents are making me feel like I'M the crazy one for being upset about this. I think I needed reassurance that I'm not insane.

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Could you please send your parents to the nearest therapist????????? Have they lost their minds??????


This is what scares me the most for you .... they don't think it's a big deal, so how many people are they repeating the story to????

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

You girls are the best! Thank you for supporting me!

My parents are making me feel like I'M the crazy one for being upset about this. I think I needed reassurance that I'm not insane.

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You are totally not insane!!! Unfortunately for you, they are not respecting your feelings of hurt.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

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Posted by violetfairy

You girls are the best! Thank you for supporting me!

My parents are making me feel like I'M the crazy one for being upset about this. I think I needed reassurance that I'm not insane.

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Oh HE!! no you are not crazy , nor are your overreacting in the slightest. This was WRONG , no doubt about it. And for your parents to just gloss over it is equally wrong.

I think as the next days go by you will see this situation a little clearer, and you will know how you want to handle the details of your wedding .. for now, just know that we do support you and that things will slowly get better!!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

Violet, you are NOT crazy for being upset! You are entitled to your feelings.

FH and I agreed no bachelor/ette parties. If i found out he had one, AND did all that stuff, I would cancel the wedding, even if it was tomorrow.

That being said, you do what is right for you.

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I'm sorry if I'm repeating here, but I'm so sorry. I was also thinking that I'd be totally overwhelmed by and focused on my fh's behavior if he did this. I guess from an outside perspective, I'd want to know how he normally acts this way (as in, is this totally out of character and normally he shows respect for you and women in general?) I'm so sorry this is so close to your wedding. I agree that I don't know how I'd be able to have my dad walk me down the aisle after instigating such a gut-wrenching situation so close to your big day. Getting married is one of the BIGGEST decisions of your life. You want to go into it with your heart, eyes, and mind wide open. If you have any reservations due to this event, maybe consider postponing. I know that sounds catastrophic at this point, but the $ is just a thing, you are more important than that. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable, and genuinely excited adn happy when you walk down teh aisle!!!!

Re: WHAT IS CHEATING? Bachelor party question for all! EDITED... Explanation on page 2!

I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you just days before your wedding. It's an emotional time as it is, and now you have even more emotions heaped on top of that. It's a lot to deal with.

Really, what's most important is how you feel, though I understand your desire to get other opinions. I seem to be of the minority here. Although I might be a little ticked, I wouldn't consider any of those things cheating. He didn't kiss the girl, or have sex with her (oral or otherwise). 9 years ago when I was 18, we got a male stripper for a friend of mine's 18th birthday. I saw what happened 'in good fun' with whipped cream and strawberries being licked from out of his g-string. And although it got crazy, it was fairly harmless.

Although you're hurt, I think you should think about FI and his intentions. If he is not the guy who would normally do something like this (as you have expressed), I would really take that into consideration. I would have a long talk with him and make it clear that nothing like this should ever happen again, but it's also important to be able to forgive. We all sometimes do stupid things in the midst of all that pressure. If he is genuinely sorry, you should try your best to forgive him before the wedding day so that your big day isn't tainted. I know sometimes it's hard to let go, but if you both talk about it and work it out, then I think that's best. Maybe you could get away for a few hours to spend time healing each other and your relationship.

As for your dad, most importantly, I think you need to talk to him. Tell him how hurt you are and that his behavior isn't acceptable. You don't want him going around continuing his gloating about the nipple thing at the wedding. After a long talk with him, (involving shouting and crying if necessary - it's all theraputic, and don't be afraid to tell him that you're so hurt you're considering cutting the dance and aisle walking) I think you should try to find some peace in that relationship as well, and still have him walk you down the aisle and share the first dance with him. I think if you don't, you might look back at it later and regret it.

Not sure if any of this helps. Just thought I'd try to give you another perspective.