Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

agreed!

and to just reiterate...THIS WAS A PURELY PERSONAL POST! Not meant to stir controversy!

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by brideinapril

I would love to be a SAHM - however - I was a single mother for 5 years, so I had no choice I had to work. I make a decent salary, however, child care and rent took it all. We had very little left for extra things. My son used to come home and tell me what stuff his friends had, and I always felt bad that I could not give more. I thought love and security were the most important things - other than the clothes he wears ( and they are not designer) - Anyway - my point - I live on Long Island and there is NO WAY that I could ever afford to stay home as much as I would want to - it sad - my sons friends are all spoiled and it makes me wonder sometimes - how come they have so much? How the heck can they afford what the have? But let me tell you it is heartbreaking when your kid comes home and really wants something and you cant give it.

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I think more often than we know of....these parents live their lives with rolling debt.....they ALWAYS have some amount on their credit card in order to give their kids what EVERYONE else seems to have!

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by btrflygrl

agreed!

and to just reiterate...THIS WAS A PURELY PERSONAL POST! Not meant to stir controversy!

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i don't see any controversy here

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by don424

i don't see any controversy here

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The only thing I see here is about two hours of time killed while I am working. Can't beat that.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

OH! OK! It seemed to me that there was some tension going back and forth....not what I meant to do!

But hey...if it makes this Monday pass any faster....it works for me!

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by btrflygrl

OH! OK! It seemed to me that there was some tension going back and forth....not what I meant to do!

But hey...if it makes this Monday pass any faster....it works for me!

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this country was founded on differing opinions

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by BMD'sPeanut

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Posted by boosh78201

I would love to stay home after I have kids. Unfortunately in this day and age its not possible unless you have a husband that makes over $100,000

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I don't think that's true.
You have to make priorities if you really want to stay home with your kids....

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I agree with this. I Know of tons of people who stay home with their kids in beautiful homes on LI and lead perfectly normal lives. I also plan to do the same.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

As a new back to work Mom, I can tell you it's not an easy decision either way. Sure, I would LOOOVVEE to stay at home with my beautiful baby, but my mortgage wouldn't get paid, we'd have no health insurance, I wouldn't have a car to get her around. Heck, she wouldn't be a factor at all because I couldn't have had her without the benefit of a job (or two). I treasured those eight weeks I could spend lazy mornings feeding and playing with her. Doing my little house things like long forgotten projects, keeping up with the laundry, running in-town errands and taking the baby for walks in the afternoon. But the reality is we live on Long Island and I had to go back to work. There simply was no other choice. Cutting back on expenses wasn't going to make up the defecit in our budget that the loss of my job would make. If you are lucky enough to be a SAHM, I'm super jealous of you because I have to go back to both jobs this week because of the hospital bills (deductibles suck) and formula costs bigtime $$$. It's not about keeping up with the Jone's in my case, it's about keeping a decent roof over our head and providing for my family. It breaks my heart to know that my baby will be sharing her 1st's with someone else (luckily and for a bargain, with my Mom), but until we hit the lottery or a rich relative kicks off, this is our life.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by btrflygrl

agreed!

and to just reiterate...THIS WAS A PURELY PERSONAL POST! Not meant to stir controversy!

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they never are....
I would love to move out of NY & stay at home, but in NY, I have to work, we make just about $100K (when I am working) now & are in no position financially to have kids...why? b/c we just paid a butt-load of $$ for a wedding & our apartment & 2 new cars. So regardless of how much $$ a family makes...I think it depends entirely on how much $$ that family has saved, and quite fankly, we have nothing saved (Nothing significant anyway).

I don't think it has anything to do with traditional gender roles or anyone's ability to live up to societal definitions of those gender roles. It is a very personal thing, and truly a presonal lifestyle choice.

I think the fact that the men & women on here have even begun to consider the future of their families is something to commend... to many people rush into things that they think are a good idea, but have not planned for.....I say good for you guys & gals that you are considering the well-being of yourselves and your future children by planning now.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I'm sorta on both sides of this issue.
I relate to the ladies who think maybe they are meant to stay home, but then I worry, that that isn't fair to Fh , because he isn't so fond of the 9-5 either.
And he is better at the housekeeping stuff than me. . .

But he says, if we can afford it, its fine.
But we have agreed that if & when we have children, one of us will stay home at least part time. ( how's that for definitive. . .)

and it may not pay the bills, but it eliminate *some* additional bills like child care, and conveinences that you tend to rely on when you are both not home often, like laundry service & take out & delivery meals & groceries.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

Btrflygrl..do what works for you and never feel guilty about it. That goes for those who are working moms too

Me personally. I am was a SAHM myself and since I did this for 3-4 years on just DH's salary and it wasnt close to 100k...and although there were some sacrifices they were worth it, but thats based on ones priorities and values.

Me personally being a SAHM is something that I would never change. I couldnt put a price tag on it. I got to see alot of the 'firsts' in my daughter's life and that was something I didnt want to hear second hand from a babysitter. Its not for everybody, some people just cant make sacrifices, they must have the vacations, they must have a huge house. I used to be the one who was Ms. Independent, we must always have 2 salaries just in case one gets fired.

But my perspective changed when we almost lost our daughter. I realized that there was no price tag on the moments I would spend with her. It took being put in the position of possibly not being able to hold her or see her take her first breath to make me realize that my career could wait and that $$$ is great but if all it takes are a few sacrifices..heck yeak I'll stay home. But as I said..I wont knock anyone for wanting security or those who just cant be a SAHM. Just those who put jobs before their kids by leaving them with babysitters the majority of the day when they are too busy working keeping up with the Joneses.

Ambersmom I sure fel your pain. You dont have a chocie..its a necessity

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

as long as its not a financial struggle, then staying home is a great idea

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by ambersmom

As a new back to work Mom, I can tell you it's not an easy decision either way. Sure, I would LOOOVVEE to stay at home with my beautiful baby, but my mortgage wouldn't get paid, we'd have no health insurance, I wouldn't have a car to get her around. Heck, she wouldn't be a factor at all because I couldn't have had her without the benefit of a job (or two). I treasured those eight weeks I could spend lazy mornings feeding and playing with her. Doing my little house things like long forgotten projects, keeping up with the laundry, running in-town errands and taking the baby for walks in the afternoon. But the reality is we live on Long Island and I had to go back to work. There simply was no other choice. Cutting back on expenses wasn't going to make up the defecit in our budget that the loss of my job would make. If you are lucky enough to be a SAHM, I'm super jealous of you because I have to go back to both jobs this week because of the hospital bills (deductibles suck) and formula costs bigtime $$$. It's not about keeping up with the Jone's in my case, it's about keeping a decent roof over our head and providing for my family. It breaks my heart to know that my baby will be sharing her 1st's with someone else (luckily and for a bargain, with my Mom), but until we hit the lottery or a rich relative kicks off, this is our life.

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This is exactly how I feel. Maybe I gave the wrong impression but I was referring to my situation and my situation alone. Me and DH just bought a co-op. We have our rent, mortgage payments, cable bill and phone bills. We are trying not to put too many purchases on our credit cards. We do have a nice chunk of change in the bank but its not an amount for me to quit my job. This is why I will need to keep working after we have a baby.

When my mom was working she was making $250 every two weeks (this was alot of money back then) and the year she was pregnant with me, they saved $12,000 which enabled her to quit her job when she had me. Unfortunately we live in a different world now.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

It's not only a 'if we had the money I'd stay home' issue but a 'do I really WANT to be home issue?'

Now some (including me) might think that's odd that you have kids and not want to raise them 24/7 but I know someone that works part time with me, and has 4 children. She loves them dearly, that's not an issue at all and from what I see, she is a good mother but she has said 'if I stayed home with them 24/7 I'd go crazy'. I heard via the grapevine that she separated from her husband because she was the one that was always home and became very resentful towards him about it (he's a doctor, works long hours). After realizing it wasn't his fault, she decided that working part time got her away from the kids 4 hours a day, 4 days a week; she still felt like a normal person and 3 of her children are in school full time so they don't even miss her during the day.

Unfortunately, since DH is not in the union yet I have the health ins so I cannot afford to be a SAHM. I'd love to work from home (and I'm positive I could do it - most of what I do now is all online) if I could. But that issue won't come up for a year or so. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Mary

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

i would love to stay home once we have kids. fh works for the LIRR and makes pretty good $$ - however, is it enough to raise 1-3 kids ( we haven't decided yet) and still have some kind of decent life - not struggling every week. we always discuss this (fh & I) and i say that i want to raise our kids, not my mom or his mom, and not day care. No offense to those whose kids are in daycare, just not what i want. i don't think that staying home means that you are either unintelligent or that you don't want to work. do what is best for you and don't let small minded peoples opinion get to you.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I don't think there's anything wrong with staying home if that's what you want to do and you and your significant other agree that it will be a feasible situation. It's not a decision that can be generalized from one couple to another. Each couple has unique circumstances.

I thought some of you might be interested in the following article:

Does a second income pay?

Kids change everything, including the way you count.
August 2, 2004: 2:44 PM EDT
By Jeanne Sahadi, CNN/Money senior writer



NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - The joys of parenthood may be without number, but so, too, are its complexities.

Take, for instance, the perennial dilemma: Does it pay for both parents to work when the kids arrive or for one to stay home?

There's rarely a clear answer. Staying home has its costs and benefits, but so does staying in the workforce.

There are plenty of financial factors to consider. But there are also qualitative factors that can't be measured by anyone except the parents themselves.

The potential costs of working
When considering whether two paychecks are worth it, figure out how much of the lower earner's salary will be eaten by expenses incurred if both parents work.

Childcare is likely to be the biggest cost. If you're planning to hire a nanny, expect to pay somewhere between $15,600 and $31,200 a year, not including employer-owed taxes such as Social Security, Medicare and unemployment. With daycare, the bill could range from $4,000 to $13,000 a year per child depending where you live.


Remember, you may be able to deduct some of your childcare costs through a dependent care plan or flexible spending plan at work. You also may be able to get a credit on your federal tax return for expenses up to $3,000 if you have one child or $6,000 if you have two kids or more.

Also, take into account the costs of going to work. The commute, the clothes, the dry cleaning, the lunches – all can add up to several thousand dollars a year. And you may not have as much time or energy to do the housework or make dinner. So you may end up hiring a housekeeper or doing take-out more often.

The tax question
Taxes are another consideration.

Generally, the greater the disparity in incomes between two spouses, the greater the chance that the lower paycheck will cause unexpected results for joint filers come April.

That's because the tax withheld on the lower income throughout the year often does not keep pace with the tax rate on their joint income, and the lower income is often treated as the last dollars the couple earns, said Mary Mellem, an enrolled agent at Ashwaubenon Tax Professionals in Wisconsin. That means those dollars are among the most highly taxed.


Consider a couple with two pre-school kids in Skokie, Ill. One spouse earns $80,000; the other, $40,000. They have a $200,000 mortgage at 6 percent, pay $5,000 in property taxes, generate $500 in taxable interest, make $15,000 in tax-deferred retirement contributions, contribute 2 percent of their income to charity, and pay $1,200 a month for daycare.

This year, the couple would owe $8,004 in federal taxes, Mellem said.

But if the lower-earning spouse hadn't worked, their family income would shrink from $120,000 to $80,000 -- a drop of 33.33 percent. Their tax bill, however, would fall to $2,635 -- a drop of 67 percent -- assuming they didn't incur childcare costs and they made a $2,000 deductible contribution to a non-working spousal IRA.

As impressive as the tax savings can be in certain scenarios, you shouldn't let the tax tail wag the dog. You may not have much left over from the second income. But it may be the critical amount you need to make your mortgage payments, pay your other bills, or fund college or retirement.

The potential costs of staying at home
Besides a potential cut in take-home pay, many of the costs of staying at home are long term.

Take retirement benefits. You can't put away as much in tax-deferred savings. At most, you can sock away $3,000 in a non-working spousal IRA versus up to $13,000 this year in a 401(k). Plus, you'll miss out on a company match, which can add up to thousands of dollars a year.

Compounded over time, those lost savings opportunities can equal tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Likewise, earning potential. The longer you're out of the work force, the more raises and advancement opportunities you forfeit. And since employers haven't shown a great proclivity toward giving 15 percent annual raises, it's hard to play catch up when you do return to work. Compounded over time, that lost income can add up to hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Lastly, you may forfeit some valuable workplace benefits, such as free or low-cost life insurance or tuition discounts.

No right answer
If you're living paycheck to paycheck, that second salary is likely to be critical no matter how little is left over.

But if you have some cushion, don't just look at the numbers. They may support one decision over another, but they may not square with what your heart and mind are telling you. After all, life is expensive, the well-being of kids is paramount and a parent's career is important not only for the money but often for a sense of identity and satisfaction.

If you need help crunching numbers, a calculator offered by Kiplinger can help. But given the ever-changing tax laws and the need to assess the long-term costs of your decisions and figure out nuanced solutions, it can pay to consult a tax or financial planner.

Jeanne Sahadi writes about personal finance for CNN/Money. She also appears regularly on CNNfn's 'Your Money,' which airs weeknights at 5 p.m. ET. You can e-mail her at [email protected].

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

Just my $.02

I most certainly do NOT want to be at home with my child. I wasn't raised that way. Social interaction is important. Im sure I'll be an overbearing extra sensitive prissy mother. No doubt, but I make the money here. No way I'm giving up 8 years of hard work for a kid, even my own.

We (my father and I) have an agreement. I have a child and he gets the kid for the full summer times. Condition is he teaches the child Spanish. In the meantime Jim's mother gets the child and teaches it Chinese.

Works for me (except I need to learn both first). I complete disagree with the idea that you must have a full time home parent. My brother does well enough to provide for his son and be a good father.

My father was Navy and out 9 months out of a year and I am very close to him and owe him a lot for my manners and the way I think. I am proud to be his daughter.

When I was younger I was in little clubs and groups, YMCA, brownies, etc. I wasn't at home glue to a video game. When I got older I played sports, sang in choir and did summer sports camps. I went outdoors and met new kids at the playground and got pushed around or got new friends.

I want children. I just know there's no way we can afford more than one while here in NY. My ultimate dream is to move away from NY and have Jim be a Stay At Home Dad.

I cringe just thinking about giving up my career long enough for maternity leave!

Then again, I have no kids right now, so we shall see right? But my heart's pretty set on no way jose to staying home.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by boosh78201

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Posted by BMD'sPeanut

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Posted by boosh78201

I would love to stay home after I have kids. Unfortunately in this day and age its not possible unless you have a husband that makes over $100,000

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I don't think that's true.
You have to make priorities if you really want to stay home with your kids....

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Sure if you want to have $0 in the bank. Im sorry but if I were to stay home, we would save no money, basically living week to week on DH's salary and I dont want that.

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I agree 100%. I really want to stay home as well. The DH makes good money and I make a good salary as well (which would be hard to give up). I wouldn't want to not be able to save $$ for ourselves and for our children as well. There is also an implication that a lot of people don't think of when staying home and that is the loss of retirement savings. Not only are you giving up your salary, but any 401K contributions from your employer and yourself. In addition, if it still exists, you will no longer be contributing to social security.

ETA - didn't realize a post above mentioned the retirement issue.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

My DH and I just actually made this decision. I have a 5 week old daughter, and WE just decided that I would stay at home with her. I made over $40k and my hubby does NOT make over $100k- together we did, but not alone. ANYWAY, we decided that it will be a lifestyle change, but it is more important for us to have ME raise our child as opposed to having her in daycare or with a babysitter. We are very careful with our $$ and never carry a credit card balance, and don't spend money on frivolous things. If it comes a time that it becomes necessary for me to go back to work, then we will re-evaluate things. But, for the time being, I want to be here for my daughter, and my husband agrees. And we are able to do it, at this stage of the game.

I think why some women go back to work and claim that 2 incomes are 'necessary' is because in our society today what we have deemed as necessities is grossly different than what our parents did. I mean, is cable a necessity? Are luxury vacations a necessity? A new car every few years? Expensive clothes, handbags? Camp? Big huge swingsets in the yard? These are WANTS not NEEDS.

It all boils down to the individual needs of the family. If the FAMILY (not the hubby- as I noticed some of the guys here saying 'I would TELL my DW to go back to work') decides what is important to them- be it sacrificing the lifestyle to which they have grown accustomed- or continuing the career which the wife has put so much time and energy into, that is THEIR decision to make. No one should be judged for their decision. It is personal, and every family is different.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I think Kris is right - it all depends on the sacrifices you are willing to make. What area to live in, whether to own or rent, what to eat, how many cars to have, etc.

I guess I am not willing to make many of those sacrifices, as selfish as that may sound -I want to own a house and I want to buy my kids things, etc. and so I will need to work (even though I would LOVE to be a SAHM).

But that has nothing to do with my career - if DH made tons of money, I'd give up all my years of hard work and education in a split second and not feel badly about it AT ALL!