Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I will be starting my own business when I graduate with my MBA so I can take my kid with me where ever (sort of how I am with my dog right now). I just cannot imagine leaving my 3 month old baby in the hands of someone else every day. I'm determined to make sure I am the one to instill MY values into my child- not someone else.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

The only reason I said she should consider not having children is because she said that she would not find being a SAHM rewarding. I have ABSOLUTELY no problem with working parents; I commend them for being able to do it; I just felt sad that she could not see any reward in raising her own child. That's all. Good luck to everyone. This is a very hard decision to make and obviously a stressful one. Butterfly, I think the fact that you initiated this thread shows that you are cut out to be a SAHM. Best of luck!

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

'I just felt sad that she could not see any reward in raising her own child.'

But the point is you can still raise your own child and work. I think what Meg is saying that she would fnd raising a child rewarding but not being home all the time

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by matron

All I'm saying is that I feel it's unfortunate that so many women put their careers before their children. I also think it's unfortunate that a woman would feel more rewarded by moving up in her company than to watch her own child grow up. I TOTALLY understand how so many of you are saying that you wish you could stay home, but you can't afford to, but those of you that are saying, 'Oh, I have my law degree/PhD, etc, and I could never leave that to be a stay at home mom....' to me, I believe maybe you don't cherish being a parent as much as you could. I wonder if your response will be the same once you have a baby. To each her own, I just believe that a baby (esp. a newborn) should be with her mommy if finances allow it. Once the child is a toddler, going to daycare/nursery school for socialization is healthy and a totally different story IMO. And yes, I'm successful. I left a six-figure job to be a SAHM. I also have a Masters. I wasn't meaning to be judgemental and apologize if I came off the wrong way. I guess it's just a sensitive issue for me bc I see so many babies forming closer relationships with nannies/daycares than their own moms these days, and I know what goes on at a lot of these places bc I worked at one. I understand there is no other choice for some, but for others? I just don't get it. I just love children so much and it hurts me to know how so many of you are putting your careers before your future families if you don't have to. I also think it's sad that so many of you need a good career to feel fulfilled. If you know you are smart and educated, you should feel fulfilled. You can always return to the workforce.

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I'm sorry- but you are totally out of line. Being a SAHM does not insure that you are raising your children, or even that you find being with the rewarding. FH has two friends with kids- one is a SAHM and the other works. The kids of the SAHM are wild and don't behave. When they misbehave they are smacked and not taught what they are doign is wrong. The kids of the working parents are much better behaved and are punished with a time out. The SAHM doesnt' take her kids out of teh house. THey jsut stay home and watch TV.


There is no rule for or formula for every person. What you said earlier- in the prior post- is so judgmental.

I enjoy working. I enjoy what I do and I think that what I do and some other women here do (especially nurses and teachers) help society. If every mom SAH, then it would be a male dominated society- again.

Basically what I am trying to say is that NO ONE CAN TELL ANYONE ELSE WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG FOR THEM!!! Some women make better moms if they are working. Every moment with their child is precious and appreciated. Some women make better moms if they stay at home. Some women can't handle staying home and are a more productive parent if they work and some other women can't handle both. There are so many different scenarios out there.

Who are any of us to be judgmental of someone else's decision???

Besides- for those of us who aren't pregnant or have kids- who knows what will happen when we get pregnant? I never thought I wanted to stay home and now I do. Maybe when the time is closer, I won't want to.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

another great post

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by matron

I just felt sad that she could not see any reward in raising her own child.

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Not to play devils advocate, but be careful what you say now.

Thats like saying you can ONLY raise your child if you are a SAHM. So are you saying that any of the girls here that work are not raising their children?

I betcha you would have a ton of working moms here that thought differently.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by shelly3950

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Posted by matron

All I'm saying is that I feel it's unfortunate that so many women put their careers before their children. I also think it's unfortunate that a woman would feel more rewarded by moving up in her company than to watch her own child grow up. I TOTALLY understand how so many of you are saying that you wish you could stay home, but you can't afford to, but those of you that are saying, 'Oh, I have my law degree/PhD, etc, and I could never leave that to be a stay at home mom....' to me, I believe maybe you don't cherish being a parent as much as you could. I wonder if your response will be the same once you have a baby. To each her own, I just believe that a baby (esp. a newborn) should be with her mommy if finances allow it. Once the child is a toddler, going to daycare/nursery school for socialization is healthy and a totally different story IMO. And yes, I'm successful. I left a six-figure job to be a SAHM. I also have a Masters. I wasn't meaning to be judgemental and apologize if I came off the wrong way. I guess it's just a sensitive issue for me bc I see so many babies forming closer relationships with nannies/daycares than their own moms these days, and I know what goes on at a lot of these places bc I worked at one. I understand there is no other choice for some, but for others? I just don't get it. I just love children so much and it hurts me to know how so many of you are putting your careers before your future families if you don't have to. I also think it's sad that so many of you need a good career to feel fulfilled. If you know you are smart and educated, you should feel fulfilled. You can always return to the workforce.

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I'm sorry- but you are totally out of line. Being a SAHM does not insure that you are raising your children, or even that you find being with the rewarding. FH has two friends with kids- one is a SAHM and the other works. The kids of the SAHM are wild and don't behave. When they misbehave they are smacked and not taught what they are doign is wrong. The kids of the working parents are much better behaved and are punished with a time out. The SAHM doesnt' take her kids out of teh house. THey jsut stay home and watch TV.


There is no rule for or formula for every person. What you said earlier- in the prior post- is so judgmental.

I enjoy working. I enjoy what I do and I think that what I do and some other women here do (especially nurses and teachers) help society. If every mom SAH, then it would be a male dominated society- again.

Basically what I am trying to say is that NO ONE CAN TELL ANYONE ELSE WHAT IS RIGHT AND WRONG FOR THEM!!! Some women make better moms if they are working. Every moment with their child is precious and appreciated. Some women make better moms if they stay at home. Some women can't handle staying home and are a more productive parent if they work and some other women can't handle both. There are so many different scenarios out there.

Who are any of us to be judgmental of someone else's decision???

Besides- for those of us who aren't pregnant or have kids- who knows what will happen when we get pregnant? I never thought I wanted to stay home and now I do. Maybe when the time is closer, I won't want to.

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Agreed. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Some SAHMs are unhappy and do not properly raise their children. Most working moms take wonderful care of their children and do not love them any less than SAHMs. All I was saying is that if she could not understand how being a SAHM would be rewarding, then she should think about whether or not she really wanted children. BC every mom I know has the HARDEST time returning to work after giving birth because they don't want to leave their child. That's all. I'm not saying it makes her any less of a person and I certainly was not trying to be judgemental. Hell, I will eventually work and I fear being bored out of my mind or financially unstable, but at least I know that my baby will be in safe hands, and I know that if I start to become unhappy, I CAN return to work. Everyone's making it seem so black and white. Just because you stay home for the first year of a child's life doesn't mean you'll be unemployed for life! I commend people who do both. Obviously this is a sensitive subject for many of us. All I am trying to convey is that butterfly should NOT feel like she is putting her mind and education to waste bc she wants to be at home to raise her children. In my opinion, it is the hardest, most selfless thing she can do, and I commend her for it! Not everyone is cut out for it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions ... this just happens to be mine. I hope I am also fortunate enough to stay at home for my children. That's all. Peace!

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by DjPiLL

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Posted by matron

I just felt sad that she could not see any reward in raising her own child.

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Not to play devils advocate, but be careful what you say now.

Thats like saying you can ONLY raise your child if you are a SAHM. So are you saying that any of the girls here that work are not raising their children?

I betcha you would have a ton of working moms here that thought differently.

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No, you are 100% correct. I phrased it incorrectly. I meant 'staying home to raise their children.' Some of the best moms I know work long hours. Totally right to yell at me about that one.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by matron

All I am trying to convey is that butterfly should NOT feel like she is putting her mind and education to waste bc she wants to be at home to raise her children. In my opinion, it is the hardest, most selfless thing she can do, and I commend her for it!

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I think that most people here agree with that. It's the rest of the stuff you said that caused the controversy.

Basically- I think everyone can agree that a woman who decides to stay at home to raise her children, because this is the right decision for her, will be using her education, her mind and her skills just as much, if not more, than if she worked outside the home. A SAHM who actively raises her children is a nurse, teacher, doctor, therapist, negotiator, lawyer, advocate, financial planner and so much more. Now how many people go to school for all that? No one who stays at hoem to raise children should feel they are doing somethign wrong. Its not the right thing for everyone, but if its what you want, and you can afford it- go for it!

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

It's obvious that this is a sensitive issue for me bc I am going through the roller coaster ride myself, so I apologize if I came off too harsh. I love you guys, man! ( )

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by matron

It's obvious that this is a sensitive issue for me bc I am going through the roller coaster ride myself, so I apologize if I came off too harsh. I love you guys, man! ( )

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It's a hard choice for every woman. I am sure that you and DH will do what is best for you and your family.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by MegLehner

I shouldnt have kids if i dont want to be a stay at home mom? Then i guess most of the women I know shouldnt have kids. To me it would be more rewarding to have a succesful career and be a good parent. I work with a lot of women who are either associates or partners in well known law firms who also have to balance raising a family. I look at them and say 'wow' how do they do it. Many of them have husbands who also make a lot of $ and they could stay home if they wanted to - but they dont. To me striking a balance between your career and family and giving 100% to both is more rewarding than staying home w/ kids. I work in the area of civil rights law and i would feel like I wasnt doing what I was MEANT to do if i wasnt helping people and helping to prevent injustice.

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You have 100% right to feel this way. Being a working mother and striking the appropriate balance between family and a successful career woman is incredible in my eyes! And something I have always looked forward to doing one day myself. Even though we can easily live on DH's current salary alone. I know many woman struggle with this and those that can do it - more power to them. You worked hard to create an identity for yourself and I can't blame you for not wanting your only identity to be a mommy - you can most certainly have both!

Someone recently told me she wasn't meant to work she was meant to be a mom. So I asked - a working woman can't be mom? And basically she said yes. It took me so much not to go off or smack the person!!! There is one thing to chose to be a SAHM and believe that it is the best for your family but another to condemn someone's personal choice to work. People have to remember it is all about personal choice. I mean dads stay working as the socially accepted norm but yet aren't they still dads?

I told DH think about this - you have worked hard to get where you are career wise and it admitted it would be tough for him to give it up to stay home with children and give up what he worked for - so I was like why can't a woman feel the same way? I don't get it.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by Becky

I agree with Meg and Dani. I have a law degree and I don't want to be a SAHM. But the law degree is not the reason. I knew before I went to law school that I would never be a SAHM. I love children and I can't wait to have my own. I know many successful attorneys who have children and a career. I work in a great law firm that is very family oriented. This is the best decision for me and my family.

It is unbelievable to me that a SAHM would tell a woman who wanted to work that she should not have children or that a mom who has to work would say that a SAHM is hurting the family by making the family live on one income.

This is a very personal decision to each person. I know that I would not be happy being a SAHM because I love my job. That does not mean that I will love my children less than if I was a SAHM or that I would place on someone else's shoulders the responsibility for raising my children.

I think every child deserves to grow up in a happy home environment. The bottom line is if the parents are unhappy (either because the husband is angry that he has to pay all the bills or the wife is miserable being responsible for every other aspect of the household) then the children will most likely be unhappy, too.

Why can't we all just respect each others decisions that we each make for our own family?

Butterfly, I choose a different path for my family, but I think your decision is totally appropriate for you and I hope that you can be the SAHM that you want to be.

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YAY BECKY!!

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

Everyone has good points, but I think getting into the analysis of what is more rewarding is a bit sad. I have had the opportunity to work in a field that others dream about. My daughter was another Dream job, we have good moments and we have bad. Just like work. Now to explore this subject a little deeper I have to agree that if being a SAHM causes financial hardship..its not for the better of he child..its not fair. Now if SAHM is a matter of cutting a few $$$ here and there..definitely worth the sacrifice.

Now on the other hand. If you are someone that is going to be working in fields that have extra long hours and choose a career over a child, its plain selfish to have a child and have a nanny be the one with the majority of child rearing responsibilities. Everything is about balance. As long as the kid isnt suffering...(emotional or physical) do what works for you. SAHM or work.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I am just going to put this out there b/c a lot of people think you need two incomes to have a kid, or you need to be able to buy the kid nice things and it's just not true.

I was raised by my mother. She made pretty much nothing- not a lot of money- but enough for the necessities. She worked at night and was around for me all day (if she had to go somewhere I went to a relatives house).

I grew up in a 1 bedroom apartment- I had the bedroom, my mother had the livingroom.. I didn't have the fanciest of clothes but I have to say that out of all my friends- those with the most material wealth, i'm the one who is most adjusted.

While this post isn't about SAHM per say, I think that parents put the pressure on themselves to provide all sorts of things for their children that children don't even need... whereas- the one thing they really do need- to feel safe and loved at all times- is pretty much free.

I'm not saying you can't feel safe and love if your mother works... I'm sure you can- I just think while the kid is young- up until 1st grade, it's nice if a family member can be at the kids beck & call... I personally think it's better for the child.. SAHM, SAHD, SAMG (stay at home grandma)... someone that can instill family values, traditions, etc.

I know a lot of people who have children and they don't want their lives to change.. and the baby goes into full time day care at 3 months old from 7 am 'till 6 pm .. I wouldn't treat my dog that way, let alone a 3 month old kid... I guess I'd rather live in 'poverty'- which on LI is probably more money than people in Kanvas ever dream of making- than do that to my kid.

I expect my husband to be like a 1950s husband- and he agrees- b/c i know when My grandparents were raising my mom and her siblings that my grandpa had 3 jobs to make ends meet- and he wouldn't have it any other way- and either would by DH.. b/c I guess we feel that some things (like children raising) are better off left to family, not strangers.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I agree you don't need to give your kids material things and that sacrifices are to be made sometimes to live on one salary. But if you are living paycheck to paycheck just to be a SAHM, how do you save money for the child's college? How do you save money God forbid that child needs medical procedures that aren't covered by insurance? Isn't that important too for that child? Those are the things that I think about when I say that I HAVE to work instead of staying home - not fancy clothes or luxury vacations.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by kpny622

I agree you don't need to give your kids material things and that sacrifices are to be made sometimes to live on one salary. But if you are living paycheck to paycheck just to be a SAHM, how do you save money for the child's college? How do you save money God forbid that child needs medical procedures that aren't covered by insurance? Isn't that important too for that child? Those are the things that I think about when I say that I HAVE to work instead of staying home - not fancy clothes or luxury vacations.

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I'm not talking about staying at home forever. I was thinking more like until the child goes to kindergarten/1st grade. That gives you 11 or 12 years to save.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I know my mom didn't save.
she was in pretty bad debt.
and when it was time for me to go to college, I took out loans which she paid back (which are now paid in full- and I graduated in 1997)..

and my mother paid for 1/2 of my wedding.. again, she was able to save- just not in the beginning..

when we buy a house she'll give us money for the down payment.

so.. she didn't give into every whim... I have never even been on a vacation that we had to fly to get to with her...

but my life was really great- my mother was always there- and it was the best childhood.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

This may be just babbling but im gonna do it anyway...

My mom was a sahm and my dad worked. We struggled our entire lives but you know what..I would have never had it any other way. And yes I would do the same for my child. We were never a family who went to disney on vacations but in the grand scheme of things..our little vacations to the catskill bungalos made us appreciate more.

When my parents got seperated when I was only 13, my sister 9 and my brother a year old..my mom took on a super job in the building so we would have extra money and she stayed home with her children. We got what we needed and we all turned out pretty well i have to admit. My sister and I shared a bedroom and my brother had the other one. My mom slept in a pull out in the living room. I paid for any college courses I took...I paid for my entire wedding...Ive always paid all my expenses since I was about 20. Not that it was easy, but...it didnt make me appreciate my mother any less, it actually made me see all of her sacrafices for us a bit more. We were taught not to hang on to mommy and daddys apron strings and that if things were important to us, we would make it happen.

I respect everyone's decisions. To each his/her own. I just wanted to tell my personal experience. I plan on trying to stay home with my children until it gets absolutely impossible not to. My opinion..career is important..but I would choose to be a sahm first. Hopefully, I will be able to do so.

Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

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Posted by kpny622

I agree you don't need to give your kids material things and that sacrifices are to be made sometimes to live on one salary. But if you are living paycheck to paycheck just to be a SAHM, how do you save money for the child's college? How do you save money God forbid that child needs medical procedures that aren't covered by insurance? Isn't that important too for that child? Those are the things that I think about when I say that I HAVE to work instead of staying home - not fancy clothes or luxury vacations.

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bingo -- check out the college tuitions they aint cheap