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Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home i...
matron Posted: Aug 11, 2004 05:04 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

Something should be said for those people who put themselves through school and don't have mommy and daddy handing everything to them on silver platters. Maybe some people believe it's a good thing to have your child work and save for college. Also, you can still put money toward the children's college fund if you spend different. For example, instead of going to Italy at this time next year, I'll put the money I'd put toward Italy toward my child. Instead of going shopping for myself, I'll buy diapers. It's just a matter of prioritizing. I think we've beat this issue to death. We all obviously have differing opinions, and I'm sure we'll all make wonderful parents.
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don424 Posted: Aug 11, 2004 05:13 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by matron

Something should be said for those people who put themselves through school and don't have mommy and daddy handing everything to them on silver platters. Maybe some people believe it's a good thing to have your child work and save for college. Also, you can still put money toward the children's college fund if you spend different. For example, instead of going to Italy at this time next year, I'll put the money I'd put toward Italy toward my child. Instead of going shopping for myself, I'll buy diapers. It's just a matter of prioritizing. I think we've beat this issue to death. We all obviously have differing opinions, and I'm sure we'll all make wonderful parents.



see now, i had the best of both worlds -- my dad worked the 9-5 thing and my mom stayed home with me. My parents paid for my college tuition and I pretty much never felt deprived. i wouldn't get things when I wantd them, but in the long run Christmases and birthdays were well stocked with gifts. We did 2 vacations every summer, but we were not rich, my parents never went out.

For many of you who said that you mom stayed home and i was a better person for it and all that stuff, remember this--that was in the 1970's and 1980's -- the cost of living was much lower and you could live on one salary. Today the majority of us can't and live in NY. So the answer is either move out of NY or have a really good job.

Just be sure that both parties are in agreement. I know that if I worked three jobs, I'd be in a pretty lousy mood when I came home and wouldn't want to do much except sleep. Don't force anything on anyone without realizing the potential consequences, you may regret it.
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Becky Posted: Aug 11, 2004 05:22 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

I almost always agree with you, but I took issue with this -


Posted by Sassyz75

I know a lot of people who have children and they don't want their lives to change.. and the baby goes into full time day care at 3 months old from 7 am 'till 6 pm .. I wouldn't treat my dog that way, let alone a 3 month old kid...




I leave for work at 7am and I get home at about 5:30 - 6:00. My husband is a teacher so he has a lot of time off, but most of the year my children will be in daycare - most likely at 3 mos old. My hope is that one of my good friends will be my daycare. Otherwise, it will be the best damn daycare I can find.

I don't think that is treating my child like a DOG I fully expect my life to change. I go in at 7 am now because I want to. I might start coming in later and leaving a little earlier, but I did not go through seven years of college and take out over $100,000 in loans to stop working after five or six years of practice. Those loans wont go away if I decide to stop working.

Your suggestion that I should not have children if they are going to be in daycare is a little rough. Your vision of having it all is being a SAHM. My vision of having it all is balancing a career with a happy home life.

Don't you tell me I can't do that. I know I can
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myasmom Posted: Aug 11, 2004 05:23 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

Don424, I agree with what you said mostly. But I must add that it goes both ways. If my husband did not agree with me being s SAHM at the time..he would not be my husband and he knows this...If his view changed he knows exactly what would happen too.

So in essence if the resentment comes you cant just blame one spouse, there is a bigger problem. Lack of communcation. These issues should have been discussed before the kid came along.

Dont do the deed if you cant do the time. Dont have kids if they cant be your #1 priority.
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don424 Posted: Aug 11, 2004 05:33 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by myasmom

Don424, I agree with what you said mostly. But I must add that it goes both ways. If my husband did not agree with me being s SAHM at the time..he would not be my husband and he knows this...If his view changed he knows exactly what would happen too.

So in essence if the resentment comes you cant just blame one spouse, there is a bigger problem. Lack of communcation. These issues should have been discussed before the kid came along.

Dont do the deed if you cant do the time. Dont have kids if they cant be your #1 priority.



I agree, but, sometimes you don't plan for resentment to happen, it just does. In the beginning, everyone's in agreement and it works out fine, but after years and years of the same grind, it can wear on you, the spouses lose touch with each other because one is too busy with the kids and one is too busy with work.

Example: My uncle has 3 kids -- he has a nice job and his wife was a SAHM. he worked his a** off to provide for the family, and he was happy, but as time went on, all he was doing was working, because he had to, he had lost touch with his wife, though he had great relationships with his kids. Two years ago we found out that he had a mistress on the side for 5 years, because he needed companionship.
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myasmom Posted: Aug 11, 2004 05:47 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

Hmm I get you but that supports my point..lack of communication.

In a situation like that the only victim here is the wife and the kids. If one person is feeling burnt out..its time to talk it out. If that happens and the grind stays the same wthout a compromise..then there is an even bigger problem.

FOr example. DH works full time and half day on sat. If he ever comes to me and says that he is overwhelmed I will go back to work part time sooner than I planned but none the less..part time is better than full time and not being able to be home at all. So communication is key to marriages ups and downs.
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don424 Posted: Aug 11, 2004 05:49 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by myasmom

Hmm I get you but that supports my point..lack of communication.

In a situation like that the only victim here is the wife and the kids. If one person is feeling burnt out..its time to talk it out. If that happens and the grind stays the same wthout a compromise..then there is an even bigger problem.

FOr example. DH works full time and half day on sat. If he ever comes to me and says that he is overwhelmed I will go back to work part time sooner than I planned but none the less..part time is better than full time and not being able to be home at all. So communication is key to marriages ups and downs.



i wholeheartedly agree and you just answered my next question
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Sassyz75 Posted: Aug 11, 2004 06:00 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by Becky

I almost always agree with you, but I took issue with this -


Posted by Sassyz75

I know a lot of people who have children and they don't want their lives to change.. and the baby goes into full time day care at 3 months old from 7 am 'till 6 pm .. I wouldn't treat my dog that way, let alone a 3 month old kid...




I leave for work at 7am and I get home at about 5:30 - 6:00. My husband is a teacher so he has a lot of time off, but most of the year my children will be in daycare - most likely at 3 mos old. My hope is that one of my good friends will be my daycare. Otherwise, it will be the best damn daycare I can find.

I don't think that is treating my child like a DOG I fully expect my life to change. I go in at 7 am now because I want to. I might start coming in later and leaving a little earlier, but I did not go through seven years of college and take out over $100,000 in loans to stop working after five or six years of practice. Those loans wont go away if I decide to stop working.

Your suggestion that I should not have children if they are going to be in daycare is a little rough. Your vision of having it all is being a SAHM. My vision of having it all is balancing a career with a happy home life.

Don't you tell me I can't do that. I know I can



I was raised to be very suspicious of strangers.. I wasn't even allowed to go to camp b/c my parents didn't want me to be watched by 16 year olds (which is understandable)... I am very wary of having my kid in daycare b/c of that... although I think leaving the kid with a girlfriend or some other home environment is better.

Look- It's not that I'm not into working- I'm going to start my own business so I can schlep the kid and the chihuahua with me where ever I go... I'm just crazy like that.
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matron Posted: Aug 11, 2004 06:02 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by don424


Posted by myasmom

Don424, I agree with what you said mostly. But I must add that it goes both ways. If my husband did not agree with me being s SAHM at the time..he would not be my husband and he knows this...If his view changed he knows exactly what would happen too.

So in essence if the resentment comes you cant just blame one spouse, there is a bigger problem. Lack of communcation. These issues should have been discussed before the kid came along.

Dont do the deed if you cant do the time. Dont have kids if they cant be your #1 priority.



I agree, but, sometimes you don't plan for resentment to happen, it just does. In the beginning, everyone's in agreement and it works out fine, but after years and years of the same grind, it can wear on you, the spouses lose touch with each other because one is too busy with the kids and one is too busy with work.

Example: My uncle has 3 kids -- he has a nice job and his wife was a SAHM. he worked his a** off to provide for the family, and he was happy, but as time went on, all he was doing was working, because he had to, he had lost touch with his wife, though he had great relationships with his kids. Two years ago we found out that he had a mistress on the side for 5 years, because he needed companionship.



Don, you can't take one messed up situation and apply it to everyone that just happens to have the same careers. That's ridiculous.
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don424 Posted: Aug 11, 2004 06:04 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by matron


Posted by don424


Posted by myasmom

Don424, I agree with what you said mostly. But I must add that it goes both ways. If my husband did not agree with me being s SAHM at the time..he would not be my husband and he knows this...If his view changed he knows exactly what would happen too.

So in essence if the resentment comes you cant just blame one spouse, there is a bigger problem. Lack of communcation. These issues should have been discussed before the kid came along.

Dont do the deed if you cant do the time. Dont have kids if they cant be your #1 priority.



I agree, but, sometimes you don't plan for resentment to happen, it just does. In the beginning, everyone's in agreement and it works out fine, but after years and years of the same grind, it can wear on you, the spouses lose touch with each other because one is too busy with the kids and one is too busy with work.

Example: My uncle has 3 kids -- he has a nice job and his wife was a SAHM. he worked his a** off to provide for the family, and he was happy, but as time went on, all he was doing was working, because he had to, he had lost touch with his wife, though he had great relationships with his kids. Two years ago we found out that he had a mistress on the side for 5 years, because he needed companionship.



Don, you can't take one messed up situation and apply it to everyone that just happens to have the same careers. That's ridiculous.



re-read my post, I said EXAMPLE, which means ONE INSTANT --I, in no-way said that this applies to everyone
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myasmom Posted: Aug 11, 2004 06:23 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


I was raised to be very suspicious of strangers.. I wasn't even allowed to go to camp b/c my parents didn't want me to be watched by 16 year olds (which is understandable)... I am very wary of having my kid in daycare b/c of that... although I think leaving the kid with a girlfriend or some other home environment is better.


You want to know one of the main reasons I became a SAHm besides the difficult pregnancy. I wanted to be home until Amaya was of age so she could talk to me and tell me what/if any ill treatment happended to her.

My little sister had a nanny. She cooked, cleaned, treated my sister like she was gold. One day my sister refused to go to her and kept crying. My parents thought it was separation anxiety. It was not. She had to do a hearing test for school admittance and they found that she had experienced trama to her ear drum. My sister is now partially deaf in her left ear. Apparently the nanny used to shake her or smack her upside her head..whatever it was now costs my parents thousands for hearing aid..that is not fully covered by insurance

I have tons of stories I could, they make me puke. Sexual abuse, neglect in subtle yet effective forms and the sad thing..many of them were at the hands of people who could had $$ nannies..so $$ doesnt always guarantee you get good 'help'..background check or not.

So I made the choice to be a SAHM for a few years then went back to work. This doesnt assure that nothing wont happend to my baby. But at the tender age..I just couldnt trust someone else. Worked for us..but may not work for others.
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cluelessbride Posted: Aug 11, 2004 07:30 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by myasmom

Dont do the deed if you cant do the time. Dont have kids if they cant be your #1 priority.



So if you can't afford to stay home from work then don't have children?

Id you want to pursue your career while you have children, you should stop and focus solely on the kids?

This are really personal decisions you are talking about, and not everyone has the same choices. Why can't we support each other's choices??? Wish that we all HAD a choice?
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boosh78201 Posted: Aug 11, 2004 08:31 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by Sassyz75


While this post isn't about SAHM per say, I think that parents put the pressure on themselves to provide all sorts of things for their children that children don't even need... whereas- the one thing they really do need- to feel safe and loved at all times- is pretty much free.

QUOTE]

While I agree with this, even the bare necessaties for kids can be expensive. When they are babies, its diapers, food, and all kids grow out of their clothes fast, then as they get older there is school tuition, etc.. It never ends. Even if you cut out toys, vacations, these basic needs cost alot of money.

Im sure the moms can relate to this.
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myasmom Posted: Aug 11, 2004 08:31 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

Clueless...please read..ALL of my posts...not just a fraction. Thanks....

P.s Kids are the #1 priority and should be..regardless of your career. There are some parents who put career before kids and I think that is wrong..as compared to those who balance both kids and work. JMO.
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nov04LIbride Posted: Aug 11, 2004 09:19 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?

My aunt is a neurosurgeon and hired a nanny to mind her three kids. One day the nanny left the youngest locked in a car in July when she went to have a manicure. The cops were called, and the kids were on the news that night as neglected kids. My aunt had before always said she felt it was her duty to save lives since she had the training and experience to do so. After the nanny experience, she tried to work part-time, sharing parenting with my uncle who is a stock broker. Malpractice insurance is so high that they could not afford to employ a neurosurgeon part-time, so now she volunteers as a doctor in clinics. So, for those of you who feel your training or brains will be wasted, or feel that your self-worth is tied up in your employment, know that there are other options.

I will have a doctorate by the time I have kids, and hope to stay home a few years with them. But I am also very thankful that I will have the education and experience to enter the workforce again. Regardless of kids, 70% of marriages end in divorce. I feel like women need to make themselves valuable in the workforce just in case there isn't a man to support us, we will be able to be self-reliant. My parents divorced, and my mother, previously a SAHM, was able to get a high-paying job despite the years off because of her master's degree and work experience. I feel I owe it to myself to do all that I can to make myself marketable in the future, even if I take off the years when my kids are youngest.

I can honestly say no one I work with who is a mother has mastered the child/work balance. One of my co-workers I work closely with has three children. It has come to the point that no one relies on her for projects anymore because one of the three children are constantly sick, getting into fights, getting sent home from school....If I had a grandparent or another family member who could look after the kids I think I could manage working, but with her as the primary caregiver she has shown she cannot be a responsible worker. Her children are her priority--which I admire--but her constant days off and coming in late because of the kids has definitely made any chance of career success nonexistent.
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matron Posted: Aug 11, 2004 09:27 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by nov04LIbride

My aunt is a neurosurgeon and hired a nanny to mind her three kids. One day the nanny left the youngest locked in a car in July when she went to have a manicure. The cops were called, and the kids were on the news that night as neglected kids. My aunt had before always said she felt it was her duty to save lives since she had the training and experience to do so. After the nanny experience, she tried to work part-time, sharing parenting with my uncle who is a stock broker. Malpractice insurance is so high that they could not afford to employ a neurosurgeon part-time, so now she volunteers as a doctor in clinics. So, for those of you who feel your training or brains will be wasted, or feel that your self-worth is tied up in your employment, know that there are other options.

I will have a doctorate by the time I have kids, and hope to stay home a few years with them. But I am also very thankful that I will have the education and experience to enter the workforce again. Regardless of kids, 70% of marriages end in divorce. I feel like women need to make themselves valuable in the workforce just in case there isn't a man to support us, we will be able to be self-reliant. My parents divorced, and my mother, previously a SAHM, was able to get a high-paying job despite the years off because of her master's degree and work experience. I feel I owe it to myself to do all that I can to make myself marketable in the future, even if I take off the years when my kids are youngest.

I can honestly say no one I work with who is a mother has mastered the child/work balance. One of my co-workers I work closely with has three children. It has come to the point that no one relies on her for projects anymore because one of the three children are constantly sick, getting into fights, getting sent home from school....If I had a grandparent or another family member who could look after the kids I think I could manage working, but with her as the primary caregiver she has shown she cannot be a responsible worker. Her children are her priority--which I admire--but her constant days off and coming in late because of the kids has definitely made any chance of career success nonexistent.



OMG, I SAW this on the news. I still talk about this incident to this day. I can't believe it was your aunt. How horrible! BTW, I cannot begin to explain how much better you made me feel about getting my masters and not using it until after my children go to school. thanks!
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nov04LIbride Posted: Aug 11, 2004 09:30 PM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by matron

OMG, I SAW this on the news. I still talk about this incident to this day. I can't believe it was your aunt. How horrible! BTW, I cannot begin to explain how much better you made me feel about getting my masters and not using it until after my children go to school. thanks!



They actually live in Greenwich so I don't know if it was on the New York news or just the local, but it was certainly scary! They are the cutest kids ever too (not that that matters, but they are adorable!). I don't think education is ever wasted anyway--I do believe it betters you as a person even if you do not use it in the workforce!
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maiahsdad Posted: Aug 12, 2004 01:15 AM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by don424


Posted by boosh78201


Posted by DjPiLL


Posted by BMD'sPeanut

kids don't need fancy toys or name brand clothes...they need their parents...and if their parents can live without fancy clothes and toys for themselves, then so can the children...




Easier said than done. Try explaining this to your six year old when all their friends have x, y, and z and he/she wants... and you cannot financially keep up.

But hey if this is the way you want to do it... its your choice.



Its a word, its called NO. Are you going to give your kids everything they want, when they ask for it?



that's for small things like toys, but what if you can't afford bigger things like vacations or maybe a pool




hmmm......now i am not going to start any trouble here on this post.......i have not read all the post yet, but i DONT make a lot of money, i put only 3% to the 401k, live paycheck to paycheck at this point..but the one think i can say is may little girl is the happest baby, she does not see what she does not have, but only see's the good things, such as mommy being there and daddy when he is not working, there is no one else that i would want to raise my child bit US....now dont get me wrong.....i grew up in a VERY VERY welloff house...there income was prob around 500 + a year, do i miss thoses great things........hell yea.....do i need a pool or a vacation to some island no..not even a little...will my child go away every year, nope i dont think so, but can we drive to canada or out west or down to ny to see my parents.....yup we can....i just dont think that money is the end all be all....yes it's great to have, and i would love to have somemore.....but will we get by with out the other income........YES.life is way to short.....watch your kids grow up is far better then making the money...just ask some well of kids what they would like to have.......parents or money for extras........just my thought

jonn

p.s.

rainmama

you do the best job....keep up the good work

i love you
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Becky Posted: Aug 12, 2004 08:11 AM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by Sassyz75

I was raised to be very suspicious of strangers.. I wasn't even allowed to go to camp b/c my parents didn't want me to be watched by 16 year olds (which is understandable)... I am very wary of having my kid in daycare b/c of that... although I think leaving the kid with a girlfriend or some other home environment is better.




Oh, I see. Thats funny, because my upbrining was just the opposite. Not only was I watched by 16 yr olds, I was babysitting newborns by the time I was 11 yrs old. I am not saying I would necessarily leave a newborn with an 11 yr old, but I remember doing that. I was the famous babysitter in the neighborhood because I had six younger siblings. To be fair, though, the very young babies I watched were on the same block as my house, so my mom was a shout away if I needed anything.

The only time I ever called her though was when this little demon boy pulled a knife on me when he was seven and I was seventeen. I called my mom because, even though I had already scared him into putting the knife away, I thought I was going to ring his neck. He had a butcher knife and I was FUMING.

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don424 Posted: Aug 12, 2004 10:33 AM+
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Re: Related to the I hate my job thread....Is it wrong to WANT to stay home or think that staying home is what I'm meant for?


Posted by maiahsdad


Posted by don424


Posted by boosh78201


Posted by DjPiLL


Posted by BMD'sPeanut

kids don't need fancy toys or name brand clothes...they need their parents...and if their parents can live without fancy clothes and toys for themselves, then so can the children...




Easier said than done. Try explaining this to your six year old when all their friends have x, y, and z and he/she wants... and you cannot financially keep up.

But hey if this is the way you want to do it... its your choice.



Its a word, its called NO. Are you going to give your kids everything they want, when they ask for it?



that's for small things like toys, but what if you can't afford bigger things like vacations or maybe a pool




hmmm......now i am not going to start any trouble here on this post.......i have not read all the post yet, but i DONT make a lot of money, i put only 3% to the 401k, live paycheck to paycheck at this point..but the one think i can say is may little girl is the happest baby, she does not see what she does not have, but only see's the good things, such as mommy being there and daddy when he is not working, there is no one else that i would want to raise my child bit US....now dont get me wrong.....i grew up in a VERY VERY welloff house...there income was prob around 500 + a year, do i miss thoses great things........hell yea.....do i need a pool or a vacation to some island no..not even a little...will my child go away every year, nope i dont think so, but can we drive to canada or out west or down to ny to see my parents.....yup we can....i just dont think that money is the end all be all....yes it's great to have, and i would love to have somemore.....but will we get by with out the other income........YES.life is way to short.....watch your kids grow up is far better then making the money...just ask some well of kids what they would like to have.......parents or money for extras........just my thought

jonn

p.s.

rainmama

you do the best job....keep up the good work

i love you



John, your point is well-taken;however, I want to point out a few things. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. You're right, children don't need pools and nice vacations to be happy. No argument there. They don't need the newest and most expensive toys to be happy. When I talk about being able to take care of my kids financially, I mean more important things like grade school and college. My parents took out a hefty loan to pay for my college tuition and are still paying it off. I would never want my child to undertake such a vast financial debt so early in life, and I want to be able to take care of that burdern as much as I can, so that he or she can build up stable credit and a solid financial foundation like I was able to. Having 0 debt when we applied for a mortgage went a long way in getting settled very quickly.

Secondly, you mention not going on vacation. You mentioned that you can drive to Canada or to see your parents. To me, that's vacation. I don't hqave relatives out of state so I can't pick up and go see people and save money on hotels and other travel expenses. When I was a kid, we went on 2 vacations a year. Were they always fancy? No. Sometimes we went to resorts. But, my parents got to see the look on my face when I saw Mickey for the first time and I want to be able to do this too.

Don't misunderstand me, my career does not come first, never did. When we have a child, we will create a very stable home/work balance. Lucily, my MIL can watch the child during the day and Boosh gets home early enough, as do I, to have positive influence on our child. But, we have to be realistic and create not only a solid upbringing, but also a solid foundation.
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